Several minutes of tense silence passed before I spoke again.
'You seem angry about something. Does it bother you that I looked up Chatterton?'
'No.' He turned away disgustedly. 'That's not what pisses me off. It's that you're so smug - thinking you understand me. Chatterton was a genius, Jamey's a genius; Chatterton was a misfit, Jamey's a misfit. Click, click, click. Putting it all together like some fucking case history!'
A pair of passing students heard the anger in his voice
and turned to stare. He didn't notice them and gnawed on his lip.
'You're probably worried I'm gonna snarf rat poison up in some attic, right?'
'No. I've - '
'Bullshit. You shrinks are all the same.' He folded his arms across his chest, kept smashing at the fountain. Pinpoints of blood sprouted on his heel.
I tried again.
'What I was saying is that I've wanted to talk to you about suicide, but it has nothing to do with Chatterton.'
'Oh, really? And what does it have to do with?'
'I'm not saying you're suicidal. But I have concerns, and I wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't bring them up, okay?'
'Okay, okay. Just spit it out.'
'All right,' I said, choosing my words carefully. 'Everyone has bad days, but you're depressed way too much of the time. You're an exceptional person - and I don't mean just your intelligence. You're sensitive, caring, and honest.' The compliments might have been slaps across the face from the way they made him flinch. 'Yet you don't seem to like yourself very much.'
'What's to like?'
'A lot.'
'Right.'
'That's part of what worries me - the way you put yourself down. You set extremely high standards for yourself, and when you succeed, you ignore the success and immediately raise your standards. But when you fail, you won't let go of it. You keep punishing yourself, telling yourself you're worthless.'
'So what's the point?' he demanded.
'The point,' I said, 'is that you're setting yourself up for constant misery.'
He avoided eye contact. The blood from his heel trickled into the water and disappeared in a pink swirl.
'None of this is meant as criticism,' I added. 'It's just that you're going to encounter disappointment throughout your life - everyone does - and it would be good to know how to cope with it.'
'Sounds like a great plan,' he said sarcastically. 'When do we start?'
'Whenever you want.'
'I want now, okay? Show me how to cope. In three easy lessons.'
'First I need to know more about you.'
'You know plenty.'
'We've talked plenty, but I really don't know much at all. Not about the things that bother you or turn you on -your goals, your values.'
'Life and death stuff, huh?'
'Let's say important stuff.'
He faced me, smiling dreamily.
'You wanna know how I feel about life and death, Dr. D.? I'll tell you. Both suck. Death's probably quieter.'
Crossing his legs, he examined the bloody heel as if studying a biology specimen.
'We don't have to talk about this now,' I said.
'But I want to! You've been leading up to it all these months, right? This is what all the buddy-buddy stuff has been about, right? Building rapport so you can head-shrink more effectively. So let's talk about it now, okay! You want to know if I think about killing myself? Sure. Once or twice a week.'
'Are they passing thoughts, or do they stay with you for a while?'
'Six of one, half dozen of the other.'
'Do you ever think about a method?'
He laughed out loud, closed his eyes, and began reciting in alow voice:
Since we can die but once, what matters it,
If rope or garter, poison, pistol, sword,
Slow wasting sickness or the sudden burst of valve
arterial in the noblest parts,
Curtail the misery of human life?
Tho' varied is the cause, the effect's the same
All to one common dissolution tends.
The eyes opened.
'Tom C. had an answer for everything, didn't he?'
When I didn't respond, he laughed again, forcing it. 'Not amused, Dr. D.? What do you want, catharsis and confession? It's my life, and if I decide to bow out, it's my decision.'
'Your decision will affect other people.'
'Bullshit.'
'No one lives in a vacuum, Jamey. People care about you. I care about you.'
'What textbook did you pull that out of?'
The fortress seemed impenetrable. I searched for a wedge.
'Suicide is a hostile act, Jamey. You, of all people, should appreciate that.'
His reaction was sudden and extreme. The blue eyes ignited, and his voice choked with rage. Jumping up, he turned on me, shouting shrilly:
'My father was dog shit! And so are you for bringing him up!'
He bobbled a shaky finger in front of my face, sputtered, and ran barefoot across the courtyard. I picked up his shoes and socks and took off after him.
Having crossed the science squad, he swung left and disappeared down a flight of steps. Catching up wasn't difficult because his gait was clumsy, spindly legs knocking against one another like syncopated chopsticks.
The steps ended at the loading dock of the chemistry building, an empty concrete rectangle, oil-slicked and darkened by brick walls on three sides. There was only one exit, a green metal door. He tried the latch, but it was locked. Turning to run, he saw me and froze, panting. His face was white and tear-streaked. I put down the shoes and approached.
'Go away!'
'Jamey - '
'Leave me alone!'
'Let's work this out - '
'Why?' he screamed. 'Why bother?'
'Because I care about you. You're important to me, and I want you to stick around.'
He broke into sobs and looked as if he were going to crumple. I came nearer, put my arm around his shoulder, and held him.
'You're important to me, too, Dr. D.' He sniffled into my jacket. I felt his arms go around my waist, small hands caressing my back. 'You really are. 'Cause I love you.'
I stiffened. It was the wrong thing to do, the worst thing to do. But it was reflexive.
He cried out and twisted free, the young face a mask of hatred and pain.
'There! Now you know! I'm a little faggot! I've been one for years, and now I have the hots for you!'
The shock had worn off, and I was in control again, ready to be therapeutic. I stepped forward. He shrank back.
'Get away, you lame fuck! Leave me the fuck alone! If you don't, I'll scream for help!'
'Jamey, let's talk - '
