Silent Partner

“No. No, she isn’t.”

“Then what are you doing to help her come?”

She bit her lip again.

“Speak up,” said Maddy.

Sharon’s hands began to shake. She laced her fingers together to hide it. “We’ve… we’ve talked about… reducing her anxiety, relaxing her.”

“Oh, Christ, blame the woman,” said Maddy. “Who says it’s her problem? Maybe it’s him? Maybe he’s a bumbler. Or a preemie.”

“She says he’s… okay. She’s the one who’s nervous.”

“Have you done any deep muscle relaxation?” asked Aurora. “Systematic desensitization?”

“No, nothing that structured. It’s still hard for her to talk about it.”

“Wonder why,” said Julian.

“We’re just working on trying to stay calm,” said Sharon. It sounded like self-description.

“Hard to be calm about primal issues,” soothed Walter. “Have they done oral sex?”

“Uh, yes.”

“Uh, in what way?”

She looked back down at the carpet. “The usual.”

“I don’t know what that means, Sharon.” He looked at the others. “Do any of you?”

Orchestrated smiles and shakes of the head. A predatory bunch. I pictured them as full-fledged therapists in a few years. Scary.

Sharon was looking at the floor, fighting a losing battle with her hands.

I thought of intervening, wondered whether that violated the norms of the group. Decided I didn’t care if it did. But being too protective would harm her more, in the long run.

While I was deliberating, Walter said, “What kind of oral sex?”

“I think we all know what oral sex is,” I said.

His eyebrows rose. “Do we? I wonder. Do any of you wonder?”

“This is bullshit,” said Aurora. “Got too many things to do.” She stood, hefted her carpetbag, and stamped out of the room. Three or four others followed quickly.

The door slammed. A tight silence followed. Sharon’s eyes were moist and her earlobe had been tugged scarlet.

“Let’s move on to something else,” I said.

“Let’s not!” shouted Maddy. “Paul says no holds barred- why the hell should she be the exception?” Her anger seemed to lift her from the floor. “Why the hell does she get saved every time she gets into her defensive mode and shuts us out!” To Sharon: “This is reality, honey, not some fucking sorority game.”

“A fucking sorority game wouldn’t be half-bad,” mused Julian. He sucked on his pipe ostentatiously.

“Back off,” I said.

He smiled as if he hadn’t heard me, stretched and recrossed his legs.

“Sorry, Alex, no back-offs,” Walter informed me. “Paul’s rules.”

A tear dribbled down Sharon’s cheek. She wiped it away. “They do the usual.”

“Meaning?”

“Sucking.”

“Ah,” said Walter. “Now we’re getting somewhere.” He held out his hands, palms up, fingers curled. “Come on, keep going.”

The gesture seemed lecherous. Sharon sensed it too. She looked away from him and said, “That’s all, Walter.”

“Tsk, tsk,” said Julian, raising a professorial pipe. “Let’s operationalize. Does she suck him? Or does he suck her? Or have they advanced to mutual sucking, the old six-nine pretzel?”

Sharon’s hands flew to her face. She coughed to keep from crying.

“Camille,” said Maddy. “What bullshit.”

“Enough,” I barked.

Maddy’s face darkened. “Another authoritarian father figure heard from.”

“Easy,” said someone. “Everyone mellow out.”

Sharon got to her feet, scooping up her books, struggling with them, all white legs and rustling nylon. “I’m sorry, please excuse me.” She made a grab for the door-knob, twisted it and ran out.

Walter said, “Catharsis. Could be a breakthrough.”

I looked at him, at all of them. Saw vulture smiles, smugness. And something else- a flicker of fear.

“Class dismissed,” I said.

***

I caught up with her just as she reached the sidewalk.

“Sharon?”

She kept running.

“Wait a second. Please.”

She stopped, kept her back to me. I stepped in front of her. She stared down at the pavement, then up at the sky. The night was starless. Her hair merged with it so that only her face was visible. A pale, floating mask.

“I’m sorry,” I said.

She shook her head. “No, it was my fault. I acted like a baby, totally inappropriate.”

“There’s nothing inappropriate about not wanting to be bludgeoned. They’re some bunch. I should have kept a tighter rein on things, should have seen what was happening.”

She finally made eye contact. Smiled. “That’s all right. No one could have seen.”

“Is it like that all the time?”

“Sometimes.”

“Dr. Kruse approves?”

“Dr. Kruse says we have to confront our own defense systems before being able to help others.” Small laugh. “I guess I have a ways to go.”

“You’ll do fine,” I said. “In the long run, this kind of stuff’s irrelevant.”

“That’s nice of you to say, Dr. Delaware.”

“Alex.”

The smile widened. “Thanks for checking on me, Alex. I guess you’d better be heading back to class.”

“Class is over. Are you sure you’re okay?”

“I’m fine.” She shifted her weight from one hip to the other, trying to get a firmer grip on the books.

“Here, let me help you with those.” Something in her was bringing out the Lancelot in me.

She said, “No, no, that’s okay,” but didn’t stop me from taking the books.

“Where’s your car?”

“I’m walking. I live in the dorms. Curtis Hall.”

“I can drive you to Curtis.”

“It’s really not necessary.”

“It would be my pleasure.”