Silent Partner

Borderlines go from therapist to therapist, hoping to find a magic bullet for the crushing feelings of emptiness. They turn to chemical bullets, gobble tranquilizers and antidepressants, alcohol and cocaine. Embrace gurus and heaven-hucksters, any charismatic creep promising a quick fix of the pain. And they end up taking temporary vacations in psychiatric wards and prison cells, emerge looking good, raising everyone’s hopes. Until the next letdown, real or imagined, the next excursion into self-damage.

What they don’t do is change.

Ada Small had once talked to me about it- the only time I can remember hearing anger in her voice:

Stay away from them, Alex, if you want to feel competent. They’ll make you look stupid every time. You’ll work on getting rapport for months, even years, finally think you’ve got it and are ready to do some insight work, maybe get some real change going, and they’ll walk out on you in a minute. You’ll find yourself wondering what you did wrong, questioning if you went into the right profession. It won’t be you- it’s them. They can look terrific one moment, be out on the ledge the next.

Out on the ledge.

More than any other psychiatric patient, borderlines could be counted on to attempt suicide. And to succeed.

“I used to sit around bullshitting with the actresses,” Larry was saying. “Got to know some of them a little and began to understand them- their promiscuity, how they did what they did. From a borderline’s point of view, promiscuity can be a halfway decent adaptation, the perfect split- one man for friendship, another for intellectual stimulation, another for sex. Split, split, split, neat and clean. If you can’t achieve intimacy, it sure beats being lonely. Splitting’s also a great way to cut yourself off from fucking on film and letting guys come all over your face. Just another job. I mean, how else could you do it, then go home and make macaroni and cheese and do the crossword puzzle? The girls admitted it, said when they were on camera it was like watching someone else.”

“Dissociation,” I said.

“Par excellence.”

I thought of all the fragmentation in Sharon’s life. The routinized, ultimately passionless way she made love. The refusal to live with me, with anyone. The detachment with which she’d spoken about her dead parents. Going into a helping profession and seducing her patients. Graduating but never getting her license. That horrible night I’d found her with the twin photo.

I’m their only little girl.

The lies.

The loop.

Hooking up with a sleaze like Kruse.

“Did Kruse ever film his students, Larry?”

“You think he made her do the film?”

“It’s logical. He was her supervisor. He was into porn.”

“I suppose so. Except his weren’t loops- they were half-hour features, color, full sound. Supposed to be marital aids for couples with sexual dysfunction, pseudodocumentaries with a disclaimer at the beginning and some guy who sounds like Orson Welles doing a voice-over narration while the camera zooms in on insertion. Besides, Kruse used actors and actresses. Pros. I never saw a student in any of his stuff.”

“There may have been stuff you didn’t see.”

“I’m sure there was. But do you have any indication he filmed her?”

“No. Just a gut feeling.”

“What do you know about the loop besides the fact that she was in it?”

“Supposed to be a doctor-patient seduction thing. The person who described it to me never saw it himself, and it’s since disappeared.”

“So basically you’re talking thirdhand information- the old telephone game. You know how that kind of thing improves with the telling. Maybe it wasn’t even her.”

“Maybe.”

Pause. “Wanna try to find out?”

“How?”

“I might be able to get hold of a copy. Old contacts from the research project.”

“I don’t know,” I said.

“Yeah,” he said. “It would be kind of morbid- forget I mentioned it. Oops, my light just went on. Got a patient in the waiting room. Anything else on your mind?”

I wrestled with my feelings. Curiosity- no, tell it like it is, Delaware: voyeurism- locked in combat with fear of learning yet more repugnant truths.

But I said, “See if you can get hold of the movie.”

“You’re sure?”

I wasn’t, but I heard myself say yes.

“Okay,” he said. “I’ll get back to you soon as I know.”

***

Yesterday’s conversation with Robin- my irritability, the way things had fizzled- still preyed on my mind. At four I phoned her. The last person I wanted to talk to answered.

“Yes?”

“It’s me, Rosalie.”

“She’s not here.”

“When are you expecting her back?”

“She didn’t say.”

“All right. Would you please tell her-”

“I’m not telling her anything. Why don’t you just quit? She doesn’t want to be with you. Isn’t that plain to see?”

“It’ll be plain when I hear it from her, Rosalie.”

“Listen, I know you’re supposed to be smart and all that but you’re not as smart as you think. You and her think you’re all grown up, got everything figured out, don’t need to hear advice from no one. But she’s still my kid and I don’t like people pushing her around.”

“You think I push her around?”

“If the shoe fits, mister. Yesterday, after she talked to you, she was all mopey for the rest of the day, the way she used to be when she was a kid and couldn’t get her way. Thank God some friends called, so maybe she can finally have a good time. She’s a good kid, doesn’t need that kind of misery. So why don’t you just forget it.”

“I’m not about to forget anything. I love her.”

“Bullpuckey. Words.”

I gritted my teeth. “Just give her the message, Rosalie.”

“Do your own dirty work.”

Slam.

I sat there, tight with rage, feeling cut off and helpless. Grew angry at Robin for allowing herself to be protected like a child.

Then I cooled and realized Robin had no idea she was being protected, had no reason to expect her mother would protect her. The two of them had never had a close relationship. Daddy had seen to that. Now Rosalie was trying to reassert her maternal rights.

I felt sorry for Rosalie, but it only partially quelled my anger. And I still wanted to talk to Robin, to work things out. Why the hell was that turning out to be so difficult?

The phone was the wrong way to do it. We needed time alone, the right setting.

I called two airlines for flight schedules to San Luis. At both of them recorded messages put me on hold. When the doorbell rang, I hung up.