Private Eyes

“You already have.”

“But it’s not enough- what you did…” Reaching out for my hand, then drawing back.

She looked at the pond. Studied the water.

“I made a decision,” she said. “About scheduling. A year here, and then we’ll see. Just a semester wouldn’t have been enough. So many things to take care of. I called Harvard this morning. From the hospital, before the helicopter arrived. Thanked them for extending the deadline and told them what I’d decided. They said they’ll accept me as a transfer if my GPA at UCLA’s high enough.”

“I’m sure it will be.”

“Guess so- if I organize my time properly. Noel left. Came up yesterday to say goodbye.”

“How’d that go?”

“He looked a little scared. Which surprised me. I never thought of him as not being in control. It was almost… cute. His mother came with him. She looked really nervous. She’s going to miss him a lot.”

“Are you and Noel planning to stay in touch?”

“We agreed to write. But you know how things are- different places, different experiences. He’s been a really good friend.”

“Yes, he has.”

Small, sad smile.

I said, “What is it?”

“I know he wants more than that. It makes me feel… I don’t know… Maybe he’ll meet someone there who will really be right for him.”

Leaning closer to the water. “The big ones are coming close. Can I feed them?”

I handed her the feed cup. She tossed in a handful of pellets, far away from the baby koi, and watched the adult fish bob and gobble.

“There you go, guys,” she said. “Stay over there. Jeez, what a bunch of gluttons… Do you think she’ll really ever be okay? Levine says if we give it enough time, she should be able to function normally, but I don’t know.”

“What makes you doubt that?”

“Maybe he’s just an optimist.”

Making that sound like a character flaw.

“From what I’ve seen of Dr. Levine, he’s a realist,” I said. Remembering Gina’s face framed by hospital linen. Plastic tubing, the far-off clatter of metal and glass. A thin, pale hand squeezing mine. A tranquillity that was unnerving…

I said, “Just the fact that she’s handling the hospital so well is a good sign, Melissa. Realizing she can be out of the house without falling apart. As bizarre as it seems, the whole thing may end up being therapeutic for her. Which isn’t to say there’s been no trauma or that it’s going to be easy.”

“Guess so,” she said, barely loud enough to be heard over the waterfall. “There are so many things I still don’t understand: Why it happened. Where does that kind of evil come from? What did she do to deserve that? I mean, I know he’s a psycho- the things they say he did…” Shuddering. Kneading. “Susan says he’ll be put away forever. Just on the basis of those bodies they found at the ranch. Which is good. I guess. I couldn’t stand the idea of a trial- Mother having to face another… monster. But it just seems… inadequate. There should be more.”

“More punishment?”

“Yes. He should suffer.” Turning to me again. “You’d have to be there, too, wouldn’t you? At a trial.”

I nodded.

“So I guess you’re glad about there being none.”

“It’s an experience I could do without.”

“Okay. It’s for the best. I just don’t- What causes someone to-” Shaking her head. Looking up at the sky. Then down again. Kneading. Harder and faster.

I said, “What are you thinking about?”

“Her. Ursula. Levine told me she was released from the hospital, went back to Boston- to her family. It’s weird, thinking of her as having a family, needing someone. I used to see her as all- powerful- some kind of dragon lady.”

Pulling her hands apart. Wiping them on the grass.

“She called Mother last night. Or Mother called her- Mother was on the phone with her just as I arrived. When I heard Mother mention her name I left the room and went down to the cafeteria.”

“Does that bother you? Their talking.”

“I don’t know what she could possibly have to offer Mother, being a victim herself.”

“Maybe nothing,” I said.

She gave me a sharp look. “What does that mean?”

“Just because they’re no longer therapist and patient doesn’t mean they have to break all contact.”

“What’s the point?”

“Friendship.”

“Friendship?”

“That bothers you.”

“It’s not- I don’t- Yes, I still resent her. And I also blame her for what happened. Even though she suffered, too. She was Mother’s doctor. She should have protected her- but that’s not fair, is it? She’s a victim as much as Mother.”

“Fair isn’t the issue. You have these feelings. They’ll need to be dealt with.”

“Plenty to be dealt with,” she said.

“Plenty of time.”

She turned back to the water. “They’re so tiny, hard to believe they’re able to…” Reaching into the bucket, she scooped up more pellets and threw them in, one by one. Staring at the momentary dimple each impact stamped on the water’s surface. Flipping her hair. Biting her lip.

“I dropped by the Tankard last night. To bring Don some of his things from the house. There were a lot of people. He was busy with customers- didn’t see me, and I didn’t wait around, just dropped the stuff off…” Shrug.

“Don’t try to do it all at once,” I said.

“Yes, that’s exactly what I’d like to do. Fix everything and go on from there. Fix him- the monster. It doesn’t seem right that he’ll get to live out the rest of his life in some clean, comfortable hospital. That he and Mother are basically in the same situation. I mean, that is absurd, isn’t it?”

“He’ll stay. She’ll leave.”

“I hope.”

“She will.”

“It still doesn’t seem fair. There should be something more… finite. Justice- an end. Like what happened to McCloskey. May he rot in hell. Did Milo find out anything more about who did it? My offer to pay for the defense still stands.”

“The police haven’t solved it,” I said. “It’s not likely they will.”

“Good,” she said. “Why waste time.”

She trickled more food into the pond, rubbed her hands together to get rid of the pellet dust. Began kneading again, her body tense. Rubbing her brow, she let out a long sigh.

I waited.

“I fly up there every day to see her,” she said. “And I keep asking myself why is she here, why does she have to go through this? Why should one person who never did anything bad in her life have to go through being victimized by two monsters in one lifetime? If there’s a God, why would He set things up that way?”

“Good question,” I said. “People have been wrestling with various versions of it since the beginning of