She made me feel magical.
We never got into the topics I’d thought essential to explore: death, injury, loneliness.
Despite the frequency of sessions, her chart was thin- I had very little to record. I began to wonder if I was functioning as anything more than a high-priced babysitter, told myself there were worse things to be. And, faced with the onslaught of difficult cases that seemed to grow each month as my practice burgeoned, I was thankful for the chance to be passive and magical for forty-five minutes a day, three times a week.
After eight months she informed me that all her fears were gone. Risking her wrath, I suggested reducing our time together to two sessions a week. She agreed so readily that I knew she’d been thinking the same thing.
Nevertheless, I expected a few backward steps as the loss sank in and she attempted to buy herself time and attention. It never happened, and at year’s end she was down to one session per week. The quality of the sessions changed, too. More casual. Lots of game-playing, no drama.
Therapy winding itself down. Triumph. I thought Eileen Wagner would like to know, made one more attempt to reach her, got a disconnected-number recording. Called the hospital and learned she’d closed her practice, resigned from the staff, left no forwarding address.
Puzzling. But she wasn’t my concern. And one less report to write wasn’t something I’d mourn.
For such a complicated case, it had turned out surprisingly simple.
Patient and doctor, slaying demons.
What could be purer?
The checks from Fiduciary First Trust kept coming, three figures at a shot.
The week of her ninth birthday, she arrived with a gift. I had none for her- had decided long ago never to buy patients anything. But she didn’t seem to mind and glowed from the act of giving.
A gift too big for her to carry. Sabino brought it into my office.
Massive basket of crepe-paper-wrapped fruit, cheeses, wine samples, tins of caviar, smoked oysters and trout, chestnut paste, jars of preserves and compotes, from a gourmet shop in Pasadena.
Inside was a card.
TO DOCTOR DELAWARE, LOVE, MELISSA D.
On the reverse side was a drawing of a house. The best she’d ever done- carefully shaded, lots of windows and doors.
“This is beautiful, Melissa. Thank you very much.”
“Welcome.” Smiling, but her eyes had filled with tears.
“What’s the matter, hon?”
“I want…”
She turned around and faced one of the bookcases, hugging herself.
“What is it, Melissa?”
“I want… It’s time maybe… to… for no more…”
She trailed off into silence. Shrugged. Kneaded her hands.
“Are you saying you want to stop coming for sessions?”
Multiple rapid nods.
“There’s nothing wrong with that, Melissa. You’ve done
She whipped around and faced me.
“I’m nine years
“I think you are, too. And don’t worry about hurting my feelings.”
She started to cry.
I went to her, hugged her. She put her head against my chest and sobbed.
“I know it’s hard,” I said. “You’re worried about hurting my feelings. Probably been worried about that for a long time.”
Wet nods.
“That’s very kind of you, Melissa. I appreciate your caring about my feelings. But don’t worry- I’m fine. Sure, I’ll miss seeing you, but I’ll always keep you in my mind. And just because you stop coming for regular sessions doesn’t mean we can’t stay in touch. Over the phone. Or by writing letters. You can even come in to see me when there’s nothing bothering you. Just to say hi.”
“Do other patients do that?”
“Sure.”
“What’re their names?”
Smiling mischievously.
We both laughed.
I said, “The thing that’s most important to me, Melissa, is how well you’ve done. How you’ve taken charge over your fears. I’m really impressed.”
“I really feel I can handle things,” she said, drying her eyes.
“I’m sure you can.”
“I can,” she repeated, looking over at the big basket. “Have you ever had chestnut paste? It’s kind of weird- doesn’t taste like roasted chestnuts at all…”
The following week, I phoned her. Dutchy answered. I asked how she was doing. He said, “Very well indeed, Doctor. Let me get her for you.” I couldn’t be sure, but I thought he sounded friendly.
Melissa came on the line, polite but distant. Letting me know she was okay, would call me if she needed to come in. She never did.
I called a couple of more times. She sounded distracted and eager to get off the phone.
A few weeks later I was doing my books, reached her ledger sheet, and realized I’d been paid in advance for ten sessions I hadn’t conducted. I wrote out a check and mailed it to San Labrador. The next day a manila envelope arrived at the office by messenger. Inside was my check, in three neatly torn pieces, along with a sheet of scented stationery.
Same fine graceful hand she’d used to promise me, two years ago, that she’d be in touch.
I wrote another check for exactly the same amount, made it out to Western Pediatrics Toy Fund, went down to the lobby, and posted it. Knowing I was doing it for myself as much as for the kids who’d get the toys, and telling myself I had no damn right to feel noble.
Then I took the elevator back up to my office and got ready for my next patient.
6
It was one in the morning when I put the file away. Reminiscing was strenuous exercise, and fatigue had enveloped me. I hobbled to bed, slept fitfully, did a good impression of waking at seven, and marched into the shower. A few minutes after I’d dressed, the bell rang. I went to the door and opened it.
Milo stood out on the terrace, hands in his pockets, wearing a yellow golf shirt with two wide horizontal green
