'You think you know someone,' she said, between sobs.
'You think you- You think someone loves you and they're... and then.
.. your whole world falls apart. Everything you thought was real is just... fake. Nothing- Everything's wiped out. I..
I.
I could feel her shaking.
Pausing for breath, she said 'I' again.
'What is it, Cindy?'
'I- It's.. Shaking her head. Her hair brushing against my face.
'It's okay, Cindy. Tell me.'
'I should have- It didn't make sense!'
'What didn't?'
'The time- He was... hewas the one who found Chad. Iwas always the one who got up when Chad cried or was sick. I was the mother-that was my job. He never got up. But that night he did. I didn't hear a thing.
I couldn't understand that. Why didn't I hear a thing? Why? I always heard when my babies cried. I was always getting up all the time and letting him sle'p but this time I didn't. I should have known!'
She punched my chest, growled, rubbed her head against my shirt as if trying to grind her pain away.
'I should've known it was wrong when he came to get me and told me Chad didn't look good. Didn't look good! He was blue! He was... I went
in and found him lying there-just lying there, not moving. His color.
.. it was... all... It was wrong! He never was the one to get up when they cried! It was wrong. It was wrong- I should have... I should have known from the beginning! I could have... I..
'You couldn't have,' I said. 'No one could have known.'
'I'm theo mother! I should have!'
Tearing away from me, she kicked the fence, hard.
Kicked it again, even harder. Began slapping the boards with the flats of her hands.
She said, 'Ohhh! Oh, God, oh!' and kept striking out.
Redwood dust rained down on her.
She gave out a wail that pierced the heat. Pushed herself up against the fence, as if trying to force herself through it.
I stood there, smelling oranges. Planning my words and my pauses and my silences.
When I got back to the car, Robin had filled the board with designs and was studying them. I got behind the wheel and she put them back in her folio.
'You're d''nched,' she said, wiping sweat from my face. Are you okay?'
'Hanging in. The heat.' I started the car.
'No progress?'
'Some. It's going to be a marathon.'
'You'll make it to the finish.'
