Flesh And Blood

told myself I could be forgiven my theories.

Mr. Wrong.

Maccaferri ignored me, checked the monitors, approached Dugger’s bedside. “They taking good care of you?”

“Too good, Rene.”

“What’s too good?”

“I’m not used to it.”

“Try,” Maccaferri told him. “I talked to the vascular surgeon. He’ll be over today to look you over, monitor you for infection, make sure no thromboses. You look good to me, but better to make sure.”

“Whatever you say, Rene. How’s Dad?”

Maccaferri’s thick, black, fuzzy-caterpillar brows knitted, and he glanced at me.

“It’s okay, Rene.”

“Daddy is about the same,” said the doctor, turning to leave.

“Okay, Rene. Thanks. As always.”

Maccaferri stopped at the door. “There’s always, and there’s always.”

Dugger’s eyes went moist.

When the door closed I said, “I’m sorry to add to your burden.”

Both of us knew what I meant: Life had thrown him a double dose of grief. Anticipation of the loss to come, pining for the sister he’d never really gotten to know.

Meeting her, losing her.

He turned his head to the side and fought back tears. “I know the road to hell’s paved with good intentions, but I’m one of those people who still takes intention into account. Whatever you did, it was because you cared about Lauren – My throat’s a little dry, could you please hand me that 7UP?”

I poured soda into a paper cup, held it to his lips.

He drank. “Thanks – How long did you actually treat her? Tell me about that – tell me anything you can.”

He’d shared his story. I had no option but to reciprocate. I recited, speaking automatically, while another lobe of my brain remembered.

The anxiety in his eyes when Milo had questioned him about Lauren. What I’d taken for guilt had been pain – a solitary ache.

Lauren and I agreed to do it the right way, not just spring it on everyone. There was Anita to think about – Dad’s illness has plunged her lower than I’ve ever seen her, and she doesn’t do well with change. And Dad, himself. I was concerned about the impact. So was Lauren, she wanted whatever happened to go smoothly or not at all. She said Dad knew about her – years ago, when Lauren’s mother wrote to him, he called, wanted to meet Lauren, but her mother put it off, said Lauren had emotional problems, she wasn’t ready. Dad tried a couple more times, then Dad backed off. That was just like him – make his offer, then not push. Maybe it’s a character flaw – emotional laziness, I don’t know. Sometimes, growing up, I felt Dad was too laid-back – as if he didn’t care. But on balance it was better than his trying to dominate Anita and me… In Lauren’s case, maybe if he would’ve pushed… How can you second-guess? By the time Lauren did build up the courage to meet me and tell me who she was, Dad was sick and weak. I was worried abut the shock. Maybe I – What’s the use…? Right from the beginning Lauren and I got along so well – clicked, as if we’d known each other our whole lives. And – this is going to sound childish – we had fun. Imagining what things would be like once we… Our little experiment, we called it – figuring out a way of integrating Lauren into the family.

I said, The phone booth.

He nodded, winced. Moved his leg and his breath caught. That was part of our… arrangement. When we built up the courage to bring Lauren to Dad’s house. She’d call me at Point Dume, and if it was okay – relatively quiet at the house – I’d pick her up. I told people she was my friend – childish, I know. I think we both liked the cloak-and-dagger aspect. I would have so liked to know her better – longer… My little sister.

At that point he’d broken down and sobbed, and I’d turned away, feeling low and intrusive, until his voice drew me back.

Don’t worry, I’ve had enough therapy not to be ashamed of my feelings. I guess what I want you to know is that Lauren had value to me – dammit, she deserves to be cried over. Maybe that’s what bothers me the most. There’s no one left to cry for her but me. That time you and Sturgis showed up at my apartment and told me what happened to her – it was as if my entire world was imploding. I’m not the most spontaneous person, but right then I could’ve just… gone mad. Of course, I didn’t. Too controlled… too much at risk… The thing about Lauren was that she made me feel like a kid – something I rarely felt when I actually was a kid. The two of us were planning and scheming, laughing about what we had in common. Our differences – she’d find something we just couldn’t see eye to eye on and laugh and say, “So much for chromosomes.” That kind of thing – No one knew. Not Anita or the women at the office, no one. At least I thought so… Then I started seeing things. Looks passing between Kent and Cheryl, and Lauren would be going off with Cheryl talking. When I asked her about it, she just said Cheryl was nice but not too bright. I never liked Kent, but never did I imagine – how can you imagine things like that?… Poor Anita – outwardly she’s tough, but it’s an act. She’s always been frail, has irritable bowel syndrome, asthma, migraines – most of her childhood was spent in doctors’ offices… Kent was… vulgar, but how could I know?… I keep asking myself that – Lauren going off with Cheryl, more and more – Was there some way to know?

No, I’d told him. No one knew.

He asked for more 7UP, drank, sank back against the pillows, closed his eyes.

A controlled man. A kind man. Delivering toys to a church, with no ulterior motive. Donating 15 percent of his trust fund, every year, to charity.

No one had a bad word to say about him because there was nothing bad to say.

I’d persisted in thinking of him as a warped killer.

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

I supposed I’d saved his life, but given all that and the bullet he’d taken for me, it seemed a feeble twist of reciprocity.

He’d been charitable enough to grant me another false equality: sharing Lauren. As if my stint as a failed therapist could come close to the bond he’d shared with her. Only to have it ripped from him.

A nice guy. In another place, another time, I wouldn’t have minded shooting the breeze with him. Talking about psychology, learning what it had been like growing up Tony Duke’s son.

But I had nothing more to offer him, and what he’d been through – what Lauren had been through – would stay with me for a long, long time.

So would the loose ends.

Anita. Baxter and Sage.

And now I had my own problems to deal with.

As I rang for his nurse, I knew that most likely I’d never see him or anyone else in the Duke family again, and that would be just fine.

CHAPTER 36

THE NURSE CALLED for someone to see me out, and another big man showed up, a lobster pink blond with a shaved head wearing a lime green suit over a black T-shirt. I gave Dugger a small salute and walked out of the yellow room.

“Nice day, sir,” said my escort, using the same elbow steer to guide me through the black walnut hallway. Gilded niches were filled with statuary, urns brimmed with flowers, monogrammed D’s punctuated the blue-and-gold carpeting at twenty-foot intervals.

On the way to the elevator we passed a room whose double doors had been shut when I’d arrived. Now they were spread open, and I caught a glimpse of a ballroom-sized space with zebra-striped walls.