I said, “You contributed half of Chad’s chromosomes. You also created his environment.”
“Three cheers for me. I’m just hoping some of those chromosomes don’t mess him up. Like my ADD, my propensity to—”
“Gretchen, what specifically are you concerned about?”
“What do you think?” she shouted. “What to tell him.”
“What have you told him so far?”
“That I’m sick.”
“Did you name the sickness?”
“No. Why would I?”
“When kids don’t have facts they sometimes supply their own.”
“And?”
“Their fantasies can be worse than reality.”
“What can be worse than the fact that I’ve got fucking cancer and am going to screw him up royal by abandoning him?”
“What measures have you taken for his care?”
“What a way with words you have,” she said.
“Have you planned?”
“Hell, yes. My plan is my sister. I have two of them. Katrine’s a bigger asshole than me, total washout, but Bunny’s solid-gold. Maybe being the middle child helped her avoid family shit in some way. Whatever made her who she is, she’s great and she’s taking Chad.”
“Where does Bunny live?”
“Berkeley. Her husband’s a physics professor, she teaches English, both her kids are off in college. Chad always likes visiting her and Leonard, they’ve got a funky house in the Berkeley Hills, nice view of the Bay. Got a great dog, mutt named Waldo, Chad loves him, too.”
She sniffed. Caressed her oxygen tank. “From their backyard you can see the Golden Gate Bridge.” She teared up. “Bunny will be a great mom for Chad. Better than me.”
“Have you talked to Chad about living with Bunny and Leonard?”
“Why would I even bring that up? It would freak him out!”
“You think he’s unaware of how ill you are?”
“I think he doesn’t pay much attention as long as he gets his attention.”
I stayed silent.
“You think I’m full of shit.”
I got up and touched the tank. “This isn’t hard to miss, Gretchen.”
She burst into sobs.
She allowed me to dry her eyes. Grabbed me around my neck and held on for a while before sinking back, wheezing.
“Thank you. For not letting go. Everyone lets go.” Sniff. “No one takes care of me, I’m going to be lost.”
“I can talk to someone about hospice care.”
“That’s not what I mean, I’ve done that already, there’s a service, visiting nurses, they’re totally into pain control, all that good stuff. I meant … whatever … why not more dope?”
“What then?”
“People don’t like me,” she said. “I’d say it was my fault, but it’s always been that way. As long as I can remember.”
“I like you.”
“Fucking liar.”
“You do make it kind of hard.”
She glared at me. Burst into boggy laughter. “Oh, you are something. Stud of the psyche.”
I took her hand. “It sounds as if you’ve done everything practical that you need to do. But my hunch is Chad knows a whole lot more than you think he does. I can meet with him to try to get a sense of what’s on his mind. If there are fallacies, we’ll correct them—”
“What kind of fallacies?”
“Sometimes kids blame themselves for a parent’s illness.”
“No way, impossible, he’d never do that.”
“You may be right but it’s worth exploring.”
She squeezed my knuckles. Slid out of grasp. “But I may also be
“I don’t think anything but it needs to be looked at.”
“Okay, okay … but I do need a guarantee that you’ll be here for me.
Snatching the red envelope, she dropped it in my lap. “Take it, dammit, or I won’t sleep at night and you’d be harming a poor pathetic terminal cancer patient.”
I picked up the envelope.
“Thank you,” she said. “Not for that. For drying my damn eyes.”
he girl in white was scheduled for the evening broadcast but got cut. Heavy news day: two separate actresses beaten up by their boyfriends.
The following morning at nine a.m., Milo and I sat in my kitchen watching a network affiliate flash the drawing for ten seconds.
He said, “Blinked and missed it,” went and helped himself to a half-gallon milk carton from the fridge. “With their ratings, no big deal. ’Bout as useful as underwear on an eel.”
But before he began gulping, his cell beeped Handel’s
“Anonymous tip, sir, saying you should check out a website called SukRose.net.”
“Sounds exotic, Moses. Spell it.”
Reed said, “S-U-K, rose as in flower, dot net.”
Milo hung up and repeated that.
I said, “Before he spelled it, I heard
He put down the milk and left the room. Was seated at my computer before I reached my office.
SukRose.net’s home page flashed purple and gold with bright red lettering.
“Classy,” he said. “What it lacks in subtlety it makes up in vulgarity.”
Why we are a cut above the rest.
You’ve seen the others. Perhaps you’ve experienced them. And found out that making promises and delivering upon them are two separate things.
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