A Monstrous Regiment of Women

“Certainly.”

The servant question was settled as easily, when Freddy Bell’s second cousin and her husband turned out to be a quiet, intelligent pair whose former employer had suddenly moved out to India, where servants are cheap, if maddening. Freddy and my new butler made several trips to the Vicissitude for my newly acquired finery and knickknacks while my maid-housekeeper investigated her new quarters downstairs.

While the two men were away on a trip, I prowled my new, if temporary, home, somewhat overwhelmed at the speed that is possible with the phrase “Cost is no object.”

One of the few and, I hasten to add, completely inadvertent advantages given me by being under my aunt’s care for the past six years was that I had come out of it quite unspoilt by money. My allowances were so small as to be miserly, and my pride kept me from appealing to the executors of the estate to remedy the situation of a wealthy young woman kept in penury. Although I knew that in theory I was probably one of the wealthiest women in Sussex, in practice I accepted that I had less pocket money than the butcher’s daughter.

The only time I had escaped these fetters was the day two years earlier when, with a purse fat with notes borrowed from Holmes, I had indulged in a perfectly glorious orgy of shopping. On a much larger scale, today’s profligacy had brought the same pleasure.

My role in the Temple investigation would be built upon the foundation I had already laid. My stunningly generous donation to the lending-library fund, my jumble-sale clothing replaced by couture would be followed by the entrance of the heiress come fully into her inheritance. By now, Margery would have seen the notice in The Times of the estate settled on one Mary Russell of Sussex. She would use me as her tutor, yes, but she would also woo me.

I had been standing for some time at the sheets of glass that formed the front of the flat, looking down through the bare branches of the young plane trees at the passersby, when the taxi drew up for its final time into the illuminated patch of wet paving stones below my window. Freddy got out and bent to take up an armful of parcels, and suddenly, shockingly, for a brief instant I was back on another street two years before, looking into a horsecab at the mangled, malicously shredded remains of the clothing I had so happily bought during the day. Freddy crossed the pavement and disappeared beneath my feet. I shivered briefly at the inexplicably ominous feel of the night outside, closed the curtains, and went to let him in.

I slept that night in a costly flat, my wall cupboards bursting with ridiculously expensive clothing, my ludicrously vast bed emanating the ghostly presence of a man’s cigars and a woman’s perfume, my new walls all but bare, my bath bereft of towels or soap, my kitchen stripped to the dish-washing soap.

The entire game was marvellously entertaining.

My new servants were named Quimby. I called them Q and Mrs Q, and I have no idea how they looked upon such flighty familiarity, because I never enquired. I had asked them to be in the kitchen at nine, and they were. I plunked down in a chair at the tiny table and waved them to the other chairs. They looked at each other and went gingerly to place their backsides on the very edges of their seats.

“Very well,” I began. “No doubt you’ve already guessed that I really haven’t the foggiest what to do with you two. I’m twenty-one, I’ve just inherited a packet, and I decided to find out what might be done with it. It’s no good pretending I’m used to a formal household; I’ve never had a ladies’ maid, a chauffeur, or a butler, so I’m sure to step on your toes a dozen times a day, answering the telephone, picking up the mail, fixing myself a meal— everything I’m not s’posed to do. I’ll drive you potty. If you’re willing to put up with me, I’m willing to give it a try. What do you say?”

None of that was absolutely true, but it fit the image and laid a basis for my future behaviour, which was to do whatever I damn well pleased, and not to be ruled by my servants. They looked at each other again, then Mrs Q stood up and began to unpack the large basket she had brought with her, which I was pleased to see included coffee, and Q eased back a fraction in his chair.

“It suits us, miss.”

“Grand. I’m sure we’ll muddle along somehow. Now, first things first. Mrs Q, we need food. Fortnum and Mason knows me; just tell them I’m here instead of Sussex. Q, do you know a decent wine and spirits merchant?”

“Indeed, miss.”

“Lay in whatever people like. Mixings for cocktails. You mix cocktails?”

“I do, miss.”

“Yes, I know, it’s a disgusting habit, but what can we do— people like them. And Q, if you’d rather wear a lounge suit, I don’t mind.”

For the first time, he looked disturbed, looked, indeed, as if I’d asked him to serve in a bathing costume.

“That will not be necessary, miss.”

“You see?” I said, and saw in his eyes that he knew instantly what I was referring to. Perhaps this was going to work, after all. “I have a hundred things to do today. I won’t take breakfast, but some of that coffee would be superb. I like it strong, by the way, with milk first thing in the morning but otherwise black. No sugar.”

“I’ll bring it in to you, miss,” said Mrs Q. “Shall I draw your bath first and help you dress?”

“I think I can just manage that today, thanks, and I’m sure you must have better things to do. Sometimes, though—do you do hair?”

“I started as a ladies’ maid, miss, before I married. I don’t know as how I’d be much of an expert with the short hair so many wear these days, but yours I can do, however you like.”

“A woman of many talents. And Mr Bell said you cook?”

“Not what you’d call haute cuisine, miss, but I’ve produced the occasional formal meal in my day. In fact, the Vicerene of India asked for a recipe.”

“Did she now? That’s very good to know. I shan’t be giving any formal meals for a while, though, so perhaps today you’d take care of getting the place running. Towels and things?” I spent a few more minutes explaining my preference in colours, my dislike of floral scents, and my convoluted dietary restrictions (I do not eat pork, if given the choice, nor shellfish, nor cream sauces on meat, nor half a dozen other things). We decided also that I was more apt to be out for meals than in, and if she had on hand the makings for omelettes and the like, I should be satisfied. I then sent Q out to hire whatever car he thought appropriate (which responsibility made him glow with a quiet ecstasy) and Mrs Q to buy the mountains of paraphernalia necessary for the establishment, then, managing manfully to dress myself, I shook myself free of domestic entanglements and took a taxi across the river to Guys Hospital. From there, I would go to New Scotland Yard.

FOURTEEN

Saturday, 15 January

A woman’s guess is much more accurate than a man’s certainty.

—Rudyard Kipling (1865-1936)

Miles was with her, the two of them nearly concealed behind the heaps of flowers, fruit baskets, cards, books, and magazines. Neither of them recognised me. He rose warily, but politely; she looked up politely, and then her face beneath its bruises and bandages changed.

“Mary? Good heavens, it’s you, Mary! You look marvellous!”

“The astonishment in your voice is so flattering, Ronnie. Oh don’t be silly, I know I usually look like a dog’s dinner, but if I don’t spend some of this money, the revenue people will eat it all. Good afternoon, Lieutenant