Smiling in spite of himself, wiping at his eyes with one hand, Toby
said, 'Get real, Dad.'
'It's true.'
'You don't know taste kwon do.'
'I'll be taking lessons, soon as the shell's dry.'
'A Ninja has to know how to use swords too, swords and all kinda
stuff.'
'More lessons, that's all.'
'Big problem.'
'What's that?'
'You're not a real turtle.'
'Well, of course I'm not a real turtle. Don't be silly. The
department isn't allowed to hire anything but human beings. People
don't much like it when they're given traffic tickets by members of
another species. So we have to make do with an imitation Teenage
Mutant Ninja Turtle Task Force. So what? Is Spider-Man really a
spider? Is Batman really a bat?'
'You got a point there.'
'You're damned right I do.'
'But.'
'But what?'
Grinning, the boy said, 'You're no teenager.'
'I can pass for one.'
'No way. You're an old guy.'
'Is that so?'
'A real old guy.'
'You're in big trouble when I get out of this bed, mister.'
'Yeah, but until your shell's dry, I'm safe.'
The next time Toby came to the hospital--Heather visited every day, but
Toby was limited to once or twice a week--Jack was wearing a colorful
headband.
Heather had gotten him a red-and-yellow scarf, which he'd folded and
tied around his head. The ends of the knot hung rakishly over his
right ear.
'Rest of the uniform is still being designed.' he told Toby.
A few weeks later, one day in mid-April, Heather pulled the privacy
curtain around Jack's bed and gave him a sponge bath and damp-sponge
shampoo to save the nurses a little work. She said, 'I'm not sure I
like other women bathing you. I'm getting jealous.'
He said, 'I swear I can explain where I was last night.'
'There's not a nurse in the hospital hasn't gone out of her way to tell
me that you're their favorite patient.'
'Well, honey, that's meaningless. Anybody can be their favorite
patient. It's easy. All you've got to do is avoid puking on them and
don't make fun of their little hats.'
'That easy, huh?' she said, sponging his left arm.
'Well, you also have to eat everything on your dinner tray, never
hassle them to give you massive injections of heroin without a doctor's
prescription, and never ever fake cardiac arrest just to get
