talking about something in connection with Alex. I also remember that I heard the grown-ups mention something about the school. Do you know what that might have been? I only have vague memories, as I said, but it was something that was hushed up in front of us children.’
Axel felt all the joints in his body turn rigid. He hoped that his consternation was not as obvious as it felt. Of course he knew that there must have been rumours, there always were. It was impossible to keep anything secret, yet he believed that the damage had been limited. He had even helped to limit it; that was part of what was still eating at him from inside. Erica was waiting for a reply.
‘No, I can’t think of what that might have been. But there’s always so much talk, you know how people are. There isn’t any substance to most rumours. I wouldn’t attach any importance to it if I were you.’
Disappointment was written all over her face. She hadn’t found out anything of what she had come here for, he understood that much. But he had no choice. It was like a pressure-cooker. If he opened the lid just a crack, the whole thing would explode. At the same time, something was still insisting on getting out. He felt as if someone had taken over his body. He felt his mouth open and his tongue start to shape the words, words that should not be spoken. To his relief Erica stood up and the moment passed. She put on her coat and boots and held out her hand. He looked at her hand and swallowed a couple of times before he took it. He had to check an impulse to grimace. Contact with another person’s skin disgusted him beyond all description. She finally walked out the door, but turned just as he was about to close it.
‘Oh, by the way, did Nils Lorentz have any connection with Alex, or with the school for that matter, that you know of?’
Axel hesitated but then made a decision. She would find out about it sooner or later, if not from him then from someone else.
‘Don’t you remember? He was a substitute teacher at the middle school for one term.’
Then Axel shut the door, locked the double lock, put on the chain, leaned his back against the door and closed his eyes.
He quickly got out the cleaning supplies and wiped away all traces of the unwelcome visitor. Only then did his world feel safe again.
The evening was off to a bad start. Lucas was in a foul mood when he came home, and she kept trying to stay a step ahead so as not to give him any additional reason to be annoyed. Anna knew that in this situation, when he came home in a bad mood, he would search for any excuse to vent his rage.
She took extra care preparing dinner. She made his favourite dish and laid the table so it looked perfect. She had to keep the kids away by putting
The first blow came with no warning. A slap from the right that made her head ring. She held her cheek and looked up at Lucas as if she still hoped that something inside him would relent at the sight of the marks he had left on her. Instead, it aroused a desire in him to do her even more harm. It had taken her the longest time to understand and accept that he actually enjoyed hurting her. For many years she had believed his assurances that hitting her hurt him as much as it did her, but no longer. She had seen the monster in him before; by now it was quite familiar.
She curled up instinctively to protect herself from the blows she knew would come. When they began raining down on her she tried to focus on a point inside herself, a place that Lucas couldn’t reach. It was something she had got better and better at doing. Even though she was aware of the pain, she could distance herself from it most of the time. It was as if she were floating on the ceiling and looking down on herself as she lay curled up on the floor while Lucas vented his wrath on her.
A sound made her quickly return to reality and slip inside her own body again. Emma was standing in the doorway with her thumb in her mouth and her blanket in her arms. Anna had got her to stop sucking her thumb over a year ago, but now she was sucking it hard to comfort herself. Lucas hadn’t noticed her yet as he stood with his back to Emma’s room, but he turned round when he saw that Anna’s eyes were fixed on something behind him.
Swiftly, before Anna could stop him, he went over to his daughter, roughly lifted her up and shook her so hard that Anna could hear her teeth rattling against each other. Anna started to get up from the floor, but everything felt as though it were happening in slow-motion. She knew that she would always be able to play back this scene in her mind’s eye-Lucas shaking Emma who looked with big, uncomprehending eyes at her dear Pappa who had suddenly been transformed into a terrifying stranger.
Anna threw herself forward at Lucas to protect Emma. But before she reached him she watched in terror as Lucas slammed the little child’s body against the wall. Anna heard a terrible crunching noise and knew that her life had now been irretrievably changed. Lucas’s eyes were covered by a shiny film. He seemed almost uncomprehending as he looked at the child in his hands before he carefully and tenderly set her down on the floor. Then he lifted her up in his arms again, like a little baby this time, and looked at Anna with shining, robot-like eyes.
‘She has to go to the hospital. She fell down the stairs and hurt herself. We have to explain that to them. She fell down the stairs.’
He was talking incoherently and heading for the front door without looking to see if Anna was coming along. She was in a state of shock and vaguely followed after him. She seemed to be moving in a dream, but she could wake up from it at any moment.
Lucas kept repeating, ‘She fell down the stairs. They have to believe us, as long as we tell the same story, Anna. Because we’re going to tell the same story, Anna. She fell down the stairs, didn’t she?’
Lucas rambled on, but all Anna could do was nod. She wanted to tear Emma, who was now crying hysterically in pain and confusion, out of Lucas’s arms, but she didn’t dare. At the last second, when they were already in the stairwell, she awoke from her haze and remembered that Adrian was still back in the flat. She hurried inside to get him and rocked him protectively in her arms the whole way to the emergency room, as the knot in her stomach kept growing bigger and bigger.
‘Will you come over and have lunch with me?’
‘Sure, gladly. When should I come?’
‘I can have something ready in an hour or so. Will that work for you?’
‘Yes, that’ll be perfect. Then I’ll have time to clean up a bit. See you in an hour.’ There was a little pause, and then Patrik said hesitantly, ‘Kisses, bye.’
Erica felt herself blush slightly from happiness at this first little but significant endearment used in their relationship. She replied with the same phrase and they hung up.
As she prepared lunch she was a little ashamed at what she had planned. At the same time she felt that she could do nothing else. When the doorbell rang an hour later she took a deep breath and went to open the door. It was Patrik, and he got a passionate reception, which Erica had to interrupt when the egg-timer rang as a signal that the spaghetti was done.
‘What’s for lunch?’ Patrik patted his stomach to show his appetite.
‘Spaghetti bolognese.’
‘Mmmmm, sounds great. You’re every man’s dream woman, did you know that?’
Patrik sneaked up behind Erica, put his arms round her and began nuzzling her neck.
‘You’re sexy, intelligent, fantastic in bed, but above all, most important of all, you’re talented in the kitchen. What more could a man want…?’
The doorbell rang. Patrik gave Erica a questioning look. She avoided his eyes and went to open the door, first wiping her hands on the kitchen towel. Outside stood Dan. He looked harried and the worse for wear. His whole body drooped and his eyes looked dead. Erica was shocked when she saw him but pulled herself together and tried not to show it.
When Dan came into the kitchen, Patrik gave Erica an inquisitive look. She cleared her throat and introduced them to each other.
