The Lake

When Deana woke up, she heard bathwater running. It was unusual for Mom to take a bath first thing in the morning.

She remembered the shopping trip. To buy a black dress. For tomorrow’s funeral.

Her fresh, morning eagerness collapsed. Her stomach went jittery and she knew she had to get up fast or she would lie here immobilized, sinking.

She swung her legs down, sat on the edge of the bed, and wondered if she could force herself to go running. She always went running as soon as she got up. She loved it—the peacefulness of the quiet streets, the smell and feel of the morning air, the way it felt when she was pushing to make it up a slope, and especially when she reached the top and there was level road ahead and she would really go all out.

Night. The woods.

Deana went numb.

She saw herself racing through the darkness, dodging trees. She felt the terror.

You weren’t going to think about that.

It was the running that saved me.

She rubbed her thighs, trying to make the goose bumps go down. As she rubbed, she stayed away from the bruises and scrapes she got shinnying up the tree.

I will go running, she decided. She had to do something, and maybe it would wipe her mind clean, at least for a while.

Pulling the nightshirt over her head, she stepped to the dresser. She put the nightshirt away and opened the drawer where she kept her running clothes. The faded red shorts, neatly folded on top, were Allan’s. His gym shorts from Redwood High. Deana lifted them from the drawer and held them up by the waistband.

He wore them that day on the Dipsey Trail. They were too small for him, and the seat ripped when he squatted to catch his breath. It happened at the top of those endless stairs. They weren’t even out of Mill Valley by then, and still had miles to go before reaching Stinson Beach—including a stretch through Muir Woods that was certain to be crowded with tourists. When the ripping sound came, he reached back and felt around. “Uh-oh,” he said. “We’d better go back.”

“We can’t.” She reminded him that Sally and Murray would be waiting at the beach that afternoon, to give them a lift back to Tiburon.

“We can drive over and meet them.”

“Oh, come on. We can’t let a little rip stop us.”

“It’s not so little.”

“Let me see.”

“Are you kidding?”

“It can’t be that bad.”

“I haven’t got any… uh… just a supporter.”

“How tacky.”

“Ha ha ha.”

“Take off your shirt. You can tuck it in back there—eclipse the moon, so to speak.”

“I’ve got very fair skin,” he said. “I’d sunburn. How about if I use your shirt instead?”

“Normally, I’d be glad to give you the shirt off my back.” Mimicking him, she added, “I haven’t got any… uh…”

“I know, I know.”

Allan finally took off his T-shirt and wore it like a tail the rest of the day. Later, he gave the shorts to Deana, giftwrapped but still torn, as a memento of the journey.

Elbows on the dresser top, the shorts pressed to her face, Deana tried to stop the crying that had begun when she started to remember. She wiped her eyes dry, but they filled again.

The seam in the rear looked almost as good as new where she had stitched it with the sewing machine.

Maybe best, she thought, to put the shorts away. Hide them in the bottom of a drawer or something, so they wouldn’t be around to remind her of Allan.

Hell, I don’t want to forget him. If the memories hurt, it’s only because they’re good memories. I’ll wear these shorts till they fall apart, and then I’ll still keep them.

Sniffing, Deana stepped into the shorts and pulled them up. The wet seat clung to her skin.

She put on a bra. God knows, that hadn’t come from Allan. It was an elastic harness made for running—the female equivalent of a jockstrap. He liked the flimsy, transparent kind that unhooked in front. Or none at all. The look on his face that first time she didn’t have one on and he didn’t know it until he reached under her sweatshirt and touched her breast instead of fabric.

In the mirror, she saw herself smile. Just a bit. She looked like hell with her eyes all red and puffy.

Allan hadn’t said anything. He’d moaned.

Deana pulled a T-shirt over her head, took socks from the drawer, and sat on the edge of her bed to put them on.

After that night, she’d started making a game of it. Sometimes she wore a bra, sometimes she didn’t. It drove Allan nuts each time they were together, until he found out one way or another. He never came right out and asked. He observed. He pulled little maneuvers such as running his hand down her back. If he determined that she was wearing a bra, he relaxed. If she wasn’t, he spent the rest of the evening watching her chest at every opportunity—apparently eager to catch a jiggle of breast or evidence of nipples pushing against her clothes. If she wore a loose top, he kept trying for glimpses down the front. And Deana would help him by bending over a lot. Obsessed, that’s what he was.

Was.

Oh shit oh shit.

Deana sprang from her bed. It’s okay to think about him, she told herself. Just not all the time.

She took her shoes from the closet. She put them on quickly, grabbed the front-door key off her dresser, and hurried down the hall, slipping the long key chain over her head. She dropped the key down the front of her shirt. It felt cold for a second against her skin.

“Back in a while,” she called out through the silence.

“Hey!” came her mother’s voice. “I want to talk to you.”

“Mom.”

“Come here.”

Deana backtracked to the master bedroom. She crossed to the bathroom door. It was open a crack. “Yes?”

“You’re not going out to run, are you?”

“That was the plan.”

“I wish you wouldn’t.”

Keep it light. “Gotta stay fit, Ma.”

“Not today, all right?”

“Why not?” She knew why not.

“Because.”

“Mom.”

“I just don’t think it’s a good idea.”

“You want to turn me into a hermit?”

“You know what Mace said.”

“Mace? You mean Detective Harrison?”

“Yes, Detective Harrison.”

“I know what he said. He said to be careful. I’ll be careful.”

“I don’t want you going out alone. Not for a few days, anyway.”

“I need to run, Mom.”

She heard some quiet splashing sounds from behind the door. Then Mom said, “Okay, but I’ll go with you.”