‘You’ve spoken to other agents, haven’t you?’
She brushed a lock of hair behind her ear. ‘They all say the same thing initially,’she said.‘Unless you’ve done it, you can’t understand what it’s like.’
‘There you go, then.’
‘But after a few sessions, they realise I’m there to help, not to be judgemental or make career decisions. I’m just someone you can unburden yourself to. Someone who can offer an objective view on how to deal with problems that arise.’
Shepherd’s brow creased. ‘But you’re more than that, aren’t you? You’ve a direct line to Hargrove, and if you think a guy’s going over the edge you’re duty-bound to tell him.’
‘Is that how you’re feeling – that you’re about to go over the edge?’
Shepherd chuckled. ‘You don’t miss a trick, do you?’
‘I’m not trying to trick you. I just want to know what makes you tick. Superintendent Hargrove is concerned, that’s all. You’ve been under a lot of stress lately and he wants reassurance that all’s well.’
‘I can do the job. Isn’t that all that matters?’
‘Short term, of course results are important. But think of a racing car belting along at top speed and developing a fault. Until it blows apart everything probably seems fine.’
‘Does he think I might fall apart?’
‘Don’t read too much into that analogy,’ she said. ‘And he thinks highly of you. You know that.’
‘But he still wants me to talk to a shrink.’
‘Think of it as preventive maintenance.’
Shepherd sipped his coffee. ‘Okay, let’s talk technique. You’ve read my file?’
‘Of course.’
‘So you know about my trick memory.’
‘Photographic, it says in the file.’
‘Whatever. I can recall pretty much everything I see or hear. It fades eventually if I don’t use the information, but short term it’s infallible. It’s because of my memory that I have few problems in maintaining my cover stories. I’m able to compartmentalise the roles I play. I put them on and take them off like I change clothes.’
‘As easy as that?’
‘It’s not easy, but it’s easier for me than it is for a guy who has to try to remember what he said to whom and where he was when he said it. I can cross-reference everything without thinking about it.’
‘You’re lucky.’
‘I guess.’
‘But you’ve been less lucky on the home front.’ She was watching for his reaction.
‘I’m handling it,’ he said.
‘How?’
‘My boy’s staying with his grandparents and I’m interviewing au pairs. As soon as I’ve found one Liam can move back in with me.’
‘That’s not handling what happened, is it? You’re dealing with practicalities, not your feelings.’
‘My feelings don’t come into it. My wife died, it was a damn shame, but life goes on.’
‘You miss her.’ It was a statement, not a question.
‘Of course I miss her.’
‘And Liam?’
‘He lost his mother.’
‘Does he talk about it?’
‘No.’
‘Have you raised it with him?’
‘I don’t want to upset him. He’s a child.’
‘He has to talk about it, Dan. And so do you.’
‘In time.’
She smiled sympathetically. Shepherd was an expert at reading faces, but he still couldn’t tell if her smile was genuine or not. ‘There’s nothing wrong with grief,’ she said. ‘It’s part of the process.’
‘I know, eight stages,’ said Shepherd. ‘Denial, anger, bargaining, guilt, depression, loneliness, acceptance and hope.’
‘And what stage are you at?’
‘I know Sue’s dead, there’s no one to be angry with, there’s no one to make a deal with to get her back, it wasn’t my fault so I don’t feel guilty, I’m too busy to be depressed, I don’t get lonely, I accept that she isn’t coming back. So where does that leave me? At hope? Hoping for what?’
‘It’s interesting that you say there’s no one to be angry with.’
‘It was an accident. She was driving Liam to school and went through a red light. A truck hit her. End of story.’
‘You don’t have to be angry with a person. You can simply be angry with the unfairness of it. Why
‘Shit happens.’
‘Yes, but when it does, don’t we wonder why it’s happened to us?’
‘Thinking about it won’t bring her back.’
‘So you block it.’
‘You’re putting words into my mouth.’
‘So tell me what words you’d use. At the moment all I’m getting is negatives. You’re not guilty, you’re not angry, you’re not depressed. What are you?’
‘I really am going to have to get my skates on,’ said Shepherd. He stood up. ‘I don’t want to be rude but I have to go.’
‘What you really mean is that you want me to go.’
‘That’s right.’
She stood up and handed him her mug. ‘I want to schedule a meeting with you over the next few days.’
‘I’ll let you know.’
Gift’s eyes hardened. ‘I don’t think you understand, Dan. I’m not asking, I’m telling. I have the authority to remove you from active service if I’m not completely satisfied that you’re up to the job.’
‘Bollocks.’
She flashed him a tight smile. ‘Check with the superintendent if you like, but he’ll confirm what I’m saying.’
‘The case I’m on is more important than whether or not I cry myself to sleep at night.’ He held up his hand quickly. ‘Not that I do.’
‘Have you cried at all since your wife died?’
The question stopped Shepherd in his tracks and he lowered his hand. He hadn’t cried when he’d learned that Sue had died. And he hadn’t cried at her funeral. Or afterwards, when he lay alone in the double bed, still able to smell her perfume on the pillow. He wasn’t the crying sort. He’d lost friends, seen two blown to bits by a landmine in Kuwait, but he’d never cried for them. If you saw action you saw death, and there wasn’t time to stand over a grave bawling your eyes out. But friends and fellow soldiers weren’t wives, and it was only when Gift asked the question that Shepherd saw something was wrong when a husband didn’t weep for his dead wife.
Gift touched his elbow. ‘I’m not the enemy, Dan. I’m here to make your life easier.’
‘I can’t come into the office,’ he said quietly.
‘No one’s asking you to,’ she said. ‘I can come to you.’
‘And all we do is talk?’
‘Just talk. What about Monday?’
‘I start the new job on Monday,’ he said. ‘I don’t need any distractions.’
‘Tuesday, then? Or Wednesday?’
‘Wednesday,’ said Shepherd. ‘I’ll be here most of the morning.’ He had already checked with SO19 and he was on the two until ten shift for the first week.
He accompanied her to the front door and let her out. He watched her walk to her black Mazda sports car. He
