Lucifer's Lottery

AND MANY OF YOU MIGHT BE THINKING RIGHT THIS SECOND, “BUT PASTOR JOHNNY, I’M A GOOD PERSON, I GO TO CHURCH, AND I TRULY DO STRIVE NOT TO SIN . . . AND I’M TRULY SORRY WHEN I DO SIN . . . LIKE LAST WEEK WHEN I WENT TO THAT PORNO STORE, OR THE WEEK BEFORE THAT TEEN-SEX WEB SITE, OR THE WEEK BEFORE THAT WHEN I PICKED UP THAT PROSTITUTE . . .

Hudson stared.

IT’S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE EASY, MY FRIENDS, AND LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING. IT WASN’T EASY FOR JESUS EITHER.

Hudson’s soul felt stained black. He’s talking about me. Maybe Halford was wrong, but if I believe THAT, then how can I believe in the infallibility of the church?

AND SOMETIMES WE WANT TO CHALLENGE GOD, WE WANT TO SAY TO HIM, “GOD, YOU’VE GIVEN ME THESE DESIRES BUT TELL ME IT’S A SIN TO ACT ON THEM. WHY? IT’S NOT FAIR!” The evangelist seemed to look directly at Hudson. BUT HERE’S WHY IT IS FAIR, AND PLEASE, MY DEAR FRIENDS, LISTEN TO ME. IT’S FAIR BECAUSE GOD SO LOVED THE WORLD THAT HE GAVE HIS ONLY BEGOTTEN SON . . .

Hudson felt sick. Were his palms sweating? He couldn’t keep his eyes off NO GAG REFLEX. All I have to do is slip the keep a ten and go over there . . . The other one, with the mullet, looked not half bad as well (except for the mullet). Had she tweaked her nipples? They stuck out against the DO ME shirt like bullet casings.

She looked right at Hudson—in the same way the evangelist had—and mouthed, Blow job?

MOST OF THE TIME, FRIENDS, BEING A GOOD PERSON ISN’T GOOD ENOUGH. WE SIN AND THEN DO GOOD WORKS BECAUSE WE THINK ONE GOOD THING CANCELS OUT THE BAD, BUT DON’T BE DECEIVED BY THIS. DON’T BE A CRUMMY PERSON BY PURSUING YOUR TEMPTATIONS. DON’T LIVE A CHUMP-CHANGE LIFE. WE TEND TO SIN IN SECRET, BECAUSE NOBODY CAN SEE. HUSBANDS, YOU THINK THAT NOBODY SEES YOU WHEN YOU WALK INTO THAT PORNO STORE, OR SLIP INTO THAT MASSAGE PARLOR. YOUR WIFE CAN’T SEE YOU WHEN YOU’RE DRIVING DOWN THAT DARK ROAD AFTER WORK TO LOOK FOR A STREETWALKER. AND WIVES? YOU THINK THAT NOBODY SEES YOU WHEN YOU SNEAK INTO THE BATHROOM TO DO THAT LINE OF COCAINE. NOBODY SEES YOU WHEN YOU CHEAT ON YOUR HUSBAND WITH YOUR OFFICE MANAGER. BUT HEAR ME, FRIENDS. GOD DOES SEE YOU . . .

Hudson felt percolating now, half aroused just from the contemplation, even as the evangelist’s silent words haunted him. Now DO ME was standing next to GAG REFLEX, whispering. Every image of carnality steamed in Hudson’s mind.

GOD LOVES US ALL, HE WANTS ALL OF US TO JOIN HIM SOMEDAY IN THE FIRMAMENT OF HEAVEN, BUT THE TRUTH, MY FRIENDS, IS THAT MOST OF US WON’T GET THERE BECAUSE MOST OF US DON’T TRY HARD ENOUGH TO RESIST THE DESIRE TO SIN. AND SOME OF YOU MIGHT WANT TO SAY TO ME, “PASTOR JOHNNY? IF GOD REALLY LOVES ME, THEN HOW CAN HE SLAM HEAVEN’S DOOR IN MY FACE FOR ACTING ON THE DESIRES THAT HE GAVE ME?” BUT I SAY TO YOU, JESUS WAS SUBJECTED TO THE SAME TEMPTATIONS THAT WE ARE BUT HE NEVER SINNED, SO IN THE LIGHT OF THAT TRUTH, WHEN YOU DON’T TRY HARD ENOUGH TO TURN YOUR BACK ON THOSE TEMPTATIONS, IT’S NOT GOD WHO’S SLAMMING THE DOOR IN YOUR FACE. IT’S YOU.

Hudson tore his eyes off the TV, then groaned to himself. DO ME and GAG REFLEX were gone—

Damn it, he thought. They must’ve left—

He almost yelped as several hands played across his back. DO ME pressed in on one side, GAG the other. Cheap perfume and shampoo suddenly intoxicated him.

“Hey, there,” GAG said. She began to rub his back where he sat, her breasts pressing. “My name’s Sylvia.”

“My name’s Jeanie,” said the other. “What’s yours?”

Hudson couldn’t resist. “How about . . . John?”

The two women looked at each other, stalled, then laughed aloud.

“I like this guy!” said GAG. “And we were wondering . . .”

“Yeah,” said DO ME. Her hand rubbed his chest, and when the keep disappeared in back, she smoothly rubbed his crotch. “Ever had a doubleheader?”

Hudson was taken aback. “Uh, well—”

GAG’S breath smelled like Juicy Fruit. “Ask anyone. Me’n Jeanie do the best doubleheaders. We know all the right stuff guys like—”

Hudson opened his mouth . . .

They both flashed their bare breasts right in Hudson’s face. Four pink, plucked nipples looked back at him. Hudson got drunk just from the sight. A side-glance showed him Fu Manchu and the bald guy both grinning at him, and nodding approval.

The T-shirts came back down when the keep returned. GAG’S lips touched his ear when she whispered, “And it’s only fifty bucks each, plus ya gotta give the—”

“Ten to the bartender.” Hudson finally said something coherent. “Yes.” He felt flushed, prickly. Here goes. Monsignor Halford better be right . . . He looked in his wallet. “I only have sixty dollars on me. Is there—”

“An ATM?” DO ME finished his question. “At the bank—”

“—right across the street,” the other hot, wet whisper brushed his ear. “You could be back in five minutes.”

Hudson felt disconnected from himself when he stood up. “I’ll be right back . . .”

GAG gave his buttocks a squeeze when Hudson rushed out. He crossed the parking lot with a drone in his head. Darkness had arrived like an oil spill; the old sodium lights painted glowing yellow lines across the cracked asphalt. His anticipation revved his heart. I’m going to be in the seminary soon, but in about five minutes I’m going to be standing in a dump bar’s bathroom with my pants down in front of two hookers. Oh, God . . .

He quickstepped past a dollar store, then crossed the street to the bank. Six people stood in line before him at the ATM, mostly half-broken rednecks or old people. Come on, come on, he thought, tapping his foot. When he glanced across the street, he saw GAG and DO ME watching him through the glass door. With my luck someone else’ll pick them up while I’m waiting in this line!

Finally Hudson got his turn and withdrew five twenties. He grimaced at the receipt where it read AVAILABLE BALANCE: $6.00.

“Damn it,” he sputtered, and then he stood there for a time, spacing out. Put the money back in the bank and go home! his alter ego yelled at him. You don’t need to do this! Look at yourself! You’re a scumbag! You’re a whoremonger!

But he could, couldn’t he? He looked at the cash. He could redeposit it right now, save it for the things he needed rather than wasting it on this experiment in lust. But—

Instead he put it in his pocket and left the machine.

On his way back his mind was clogged with the lewdest images. Even as the block letters flashed behind his eyes—DON’T BE A CRUMMY PERSON BY PURSUING YOUR TEMPTATIONS. DON’T LIVE A CHUMP-CHANGE LIFE— Hudson couldn’t see them.

The drone dragged him on. He had no awareness of making the mental decision to stop, but when he realized he had, he found himself several yards from the dollar store where a skinny woman in a dirty sundress and lanky hair was having a conniption at the front door. A pair of scrawny little kids with dead eyes stood next to her. “Fuckin’ bullshit! I can’t fuckin’ believe it!” she was yelling at herself. “It’s not supposed to be this fuckin’ hard!”

Hudson wanted to move on, to the tacky delights that awaited. Instead, he said, “Is something wrong?”

“Yeah! Everything’s wrong! I got two fuckin’ kids to feed so I go in there to buy food”—she held up a plastic card with an American flag on it—“and the machine says my food credits are all used up. My fuckin’ husband maxed out the card out before he split yesterday. Instead of paying the power bill, he spent