‘Don’t you use this any more?’ she ventured, stunned they could give away this part of themselves, and Raff smiled, though his smile was a little wary.
And, with the wariness, Abby got it.
She remembered Sarah as a teenager, stretching dough, kneading it, easing it through the machine with care so it wouldn’t rip, making angels’ hair, every kind of the most delicate pasta varieties.
She thought of Sarah now, with fumbling fingers, knowing what she’d been able to do, knowing what she’d lost.
‘We don’t use it any more,’ Sarah said. ‘But we don’t want to throw it away. So Raff said why don’t we give it to you and I can come round and remind you how to do it.’
‘Will you and I make some now?’ she asked Sarah before she could stop herself. ‘Can you remember how to make it?’
‘I think so,’ Sarah said and looked doubtfully at her big brother. ‘Can I, Raff?’
‘Maybe we could both give Abby a reminder lesson,’ Raff said. ‘As part of our wedding present. If your headache’s indeed better, Abigail?’
Both? Whoa. No. Uh-uh.
This was really dumb.
The police car would be parked outside for a couple of hours.
‘You want me to drive the car round the back?’ he asked.
She stared at him and he gazed straight back. Impassive. Reading her mind?
This was up to her. All she had to do was say her headache had come back.
They were all looking at her. Sarah. Kleppy.
Raff.
Go away. You’re complicating my life. My wedding dress is right behind that door. My fiance is just over the far side of town.
Sarah’s eyes were wide with hope.
‘I guess it’ll still get around that my car was round the back for a couple of hours,’ Raff said, watching the warring emotions on her face. ‘Will Dexter call me out at dawn?’
‘Philip,’ she said automatically.
‘Philip,’ he agreed. Neutral.
‘He won’t mind,’ she said.
‘I’d mind if I was Philip.’
‘Just lucky you’re not Philip,’ she said and she’d meant to sound snarky but she didn’t quite manage it. ‘Why don’t you go do what you need to do and come back in a couple of hours?’
‘But Raff likes making pasta, too,’ Sarah said and Abby looked at his face and saw…and saw that he did.
There was a lot of this man to back away from. There was a lot about this man to distrust. But watching him now… It was as if he was hungry, she thought. He was disguising it, with his smart tongue and his teasing and his blatant provocation, but still…
He’d just given away his grandmother’s pasta maker. He’d given it to her.
She’d love it. She’d use it for ever. The memories… She and Sarah, Raff and Ben, messing round in Gran’s kitchen.
If it wasn’t for this man, Ben would still be here.
How long did hate last?
For the last ten years, every time she’d looked at Raff Finn she’d felt ill. Now… She looked at Sarah and at the pasta maker. She thought of Mrs Fryer’s vitriol. She thought that Ben had been Raff’s best friend. Ben had loved him.
She’d loved him.
She couldn’t keep hating. She just…couldn’t.
She felt sick and weary and desperately sad. She felt…wasted.
‘Hey, Abby really isn’t well,’ Raff said and maybe he’d read the emotions-maybe it was easy because she was having no luck disguising them from herself, much less from him. ‘Maybe we should go, Sares, and let her recover.’
‘Do you really have a headache?’ Sarah put her hand on her arm, all concern. ‘Does it bang behind your eyes? It’s really bad when it does that.’
Did Sarah still have headaches? Did Raff cope with them, take care of her, ache for his little sister and all she’d lost?
Maybe she should have invited Raff to her wedding.
Now there was a stupid thing to think. She might be coming out the other side of a decade of bitterness but her parents…they never would. They knew that Raff had killed their son, pure and simple.
Philip would never countenance him at their wedding. Her parents would always hate him.
Any bridges must be her own personal bridges, built of an understanding that she couldn’t keep stoking this flame of bitterness for the rest of her life.
They were watching her. Sarah’s hand was still on her arm. Concerned for her headache. Sarah, whose headaches had taken away so much…
‘Not a headache,’ she whispered and then more strongly, ‘it’s not a headache. It’s just… I’m overwhelmed. I loved making pasta with you guys when I was a kid. I can’t believe you’re giving this to me. It’s the most wonderful gift-a truly generous gift of the heart. It’s made me feel all choked up.’
And then, as Sarah was still looking unsure, she took her hands and tugged her close and kissed her. ‘Thank you,’ she whispered.
‘Raff, too,’ Sarah said.
Raff, too. He was watching with eyes that were impassive. Giving nothing away.
He’d given her his grandmother’s pasta maker.
He’d killed her brother.
No. An accident had killed Ben. A moment of stupidity that he’d have to pay for forever.
She took a deep breath, released Sarah, took Raff’s hands in hers and kissed him, too. Lightly. As she’d kissed Sarah.
On the cheek and nothing more.
She went to release him but he didn’t release her. His hands held for just a fraction of a second too long. A fraction of a second that said he was as confused as she was.
A fraction of a second that said there could never be idle friendship between them.
No longer enemies? But what?
Not friends. Not when he looked at her like… Like he was seeing all the regret in the world.
She had to do something. They were all looking at her- Raff, Sarah and Kleppy. Wondering why her eyes were brimming-why she was standing like a dummy wishing the last ten years could disappear and she could be seventeen again and Raff could be gorgeous and young and free and…
And she needn’t think anything of the kind. In eight days she was marrying Philip. Her direction was set.
Eight days was all very well, but what about now?
Now she closed her eyes for a fraction of a second, gave herself that tiny respite to haul herself together-and then she put on her very brightest smile.
‘Let’s make pasta,’ she said, and they did.
CHAPTER SEVEN
HE SHOULDN’T have given the pasta maker away if it made him feel like this.
This was a bad idea and it was getting worse.
He was sitting at Abby’s kitchen table watching Sarah hold one end of the pasta dough as Abby fed it through the machine. Watching it stretch. Watching Sarah hold her breath, gasp with pleasure, smile.
