‘Us?’ She dragged herself to her feet and regarded him with loathing. ‘It didn’t sound to me like there’s any
‘That’s up to us,’ he said evenly. ‘But you’re leaving first.’
Misty found him on the veranda, in his normal place, in his rocker, dogs at his feet. She was feeling ill.
She’d yelled at him. He didn’t deserve to be yelled at.
‘I’m sorry,’ she said quickly before he could rise. ‘That was dreadful. I sounded like I was a witch. You were only trying to help.’
‘I’d like to help,’ he said. ‘You know I want to marry you.’ He rose and came towards her. ‘I’ll protect you in any way I can.
‘But I don’t want to be protected. Nick, I’m sorry, but I don’t want to marry you. Or…not yet.’
His face stilled. He’d taken her hands but she wouldn’t let her fingers curl around his. She mustn’t.
‘I’ve never taken a risk in my life,’ she said.
‘That’s why I love you.’
‘You see, that’s what I’m afraid of. I won’t be loved because I’m safe.’
That he didn’t understand was obvious. ‘I don’t love you just because you’re safe,’ he told her. ‘I love you because you’re beautiful and warm and big-hearted and fun and…’
‘And safe. I’m someone to share a rocker with.’
‘Misty…’
‘It’s okay,’ she said, feeling unutterably weary. She didn’t want to say this. It would be so easy to sink into the rocker beside him, to wait until Bailey came home, to live happily ever after.
Was there something of Grace inside her? Some heartlessness?
No. She felt cold and fearful and sad, but she knew she was doing the right thing. If she didn’t go now…She’d seen what bitterness could do.
‘If you still want me in a year…’ she said.
‘A year?’
‘I think I can do most of my list in a year.’
‘What list?’
‘It’s a dream,’ she said. ‘I’ve had it since I was little. To fly away, to see something other than this town. Occasionally, when I was little, Grace used to send postcards, from one exotic place after another.’
‘You were jealous of Grace?’
That was easy. ‘I never was. Sometimes I even felt sorry for her. She’d fly in and make Gran cry and Gran would say the house was empty without her. But I kept thinking…why would you want to make Gran cry? That would have made me ill. I couldn’t. Until now.’
His face was expressionless. ‘So now you’ll leave?’
‘What’s holding me here?’
‘Us. Bailey and me.’
She closed her eyes. There was such a depth of meaning in the words-so much. He didn’t understand. For her to walk away… To hurt him…
‘See, that’s the problem,’ she said, as gently as she could. ‘I’m falling so in love with you that I never want to hurt you. It’s borderline now-that I never want to leave. As I could never leave Gran. For a while there I couldn’t even leave Ketchup. But I must. Just for a year. Nick, can you try and understand?’
‘Understand what? What do you want to do for a year?’
‘Adventures,’ she said promptly. ‘I want to balloon over Paris at dawn. I want to roll down heather-covered hills in Scotland and get bitten by midges. I want to go white-water rafting in the Rockies…’
But she’d already lost him. ‘You don’t know what you’re talking about,’ he said coldly, flatly. ‘You have everything you need here. It’s…’
‘Safe,’ she threw at him. ‘Tell me, if you didn’t think I was safe, would you seriously consider marrying me?’
‘No, but…’
‘There you are, then.’
‘But I have Bailey to consider.’
‘You’re not considering Bailey. You’re choosing a wife for yourself. To choose me because top of your list of requirements is safe…Good old dependable Misty, cute as, we’ll stay in her lovely house and if anything threatens her like a nasty, mean mother then we’ll drive her away; we’ll protect Misty because she’s little and cute and can’t protect herself.’
‘This is overreacting.’
‘Like paying for a house without even asking me?’ she said incredulously. ‘I guess I should be grateful, but I’m sorry, I’m not. You see, I want to be independent. Nick, I can’t cling to you before I see if I can manage without anything to cling to. I need a year.’
‘To go white-water rafting in the Rockies.’
‘Yes.’
‘You’re just like Isabelle.’ It was a harsh, cold accusation that left her winded.
She didn’t answer. She couldn’t. Was she just like Isabelle? Would she put a child’s life at risk when she didn’t need to?
If he thought that, then there was nothing to defend. He wanted her to marry him and he didn’t know the first thing about her.
She looked at him and her heart twisted. How easy would it be to fall into his arms, say sorry, it had all been a mistake and she wanted nothing more than to stay here with him, with Bailey, with Ketchup and Took, for ever and ever?
But he was looking at her with such anger.
Last night meant so much to her. It meant everything. But in a sense it was last night that had given her the courage to do this. For last night she’d accepted that she wanted to spend her life with this man, and she also knew that he deserved all she could give.
All or nothing. She would not marry him feeling like she did right now-knowing she’d dissolve into him and he’d make her safer, safer. She’d fought to get him onto a yacht. Every tiny risk would be a fight, but it’d be a fight to do what she already had now, and not what she dreamed of.
She couldn’t let go of her dreams and marry him. She’d end up bitter and resentful.
It was a line to remember. It was a line to make her go.
‘I will not end up in this rocker before I’m thirty,’ she said, and suddenly she kicked the rocker with a ferocity that frightened them all. Took yelped and headed down the steps with her tail behind her legs. Ketchup yelped and cowered and cringed behind Nick’s legs.
‘Enough,’ she said wearily. ‘Sorry, guys. Sorry to you all. I know you’re all very happy here. I hope you’ll stay here and be safe and happy while I’m away. And if at the end of twelve months…’
‘You expect us to wait for you?’ Nick’s voice was so cold she cringed. But she’d known this was the risk-the likely outcome. She had to face it.
‘Can I ask whatever you do that you’ll take care of Ketchup and Took?’
‘Misty, after last night…’ he said explosively and she nodded sadly.
‘Yes. Last night was magic. It made me see how close I am to giving in.’
‘Then give in.’
‘I won’t be married because I’m the opposite of Isabelle,’ she said, and she knew it for the truth, the bottom line she couldn’t back away from. ‘You figure it out, Nick. I think I love you but I’m me. I’m me, lists and all.’
CHAPTER ELEVEN
‘WHEN I suggested we get a relief teacher next term I thought you might use the time off for a honeymoon.
