when women used to cut their hair short and spike it. She thought of wetting it down to tame it and her hands went automatically to the faucet and turned the handle before she remembered the futility of the gesture. Water had not run in these pipes in months.
As the Siege worsened, it eventually became clear that not only did the government not have the ability to repel the relentless bioterrorist attacks-they were never going to be able to identify with certainty who had unleashed them. The toxins were manufactured in Japan, Russia, even Finland, outsourced across a thousand corporate shells, but terrorist groups in Greece and Sri Lanka and Colombia and Somalia took credit along with the usual suspects. As every major food crop was decimated and livestock lay rotting in stinking shallow graves, people’s fears morphed into a terrible fury. Rioting, roving bands of citizens stormed every municipal and government office and the very people who were trying desperately to hold on to order were either dragged out and beaten, or ran for their lives. One by one, substations on the power grid flickered out; water stopped running through the municipal pipes; cell towers went dark. And still, everyone kept making mistakes, forgetting that the light switches no longer turned on lights, that faucets wouldn’t deliver water, that phones wouldn’t ring or connect anyone, that stoplights would never guide them and toilets would never flush. It took a while, but eventually everyone adapted. The things from Before-the hydrants and lamp poles and public restrooms-gradually, they became just another part of the landscape, unnoticed and untouched.
And yet here she was, hands turning the cold knobs, expecting water to fill the basin. Cass closed her eyes and focused on the sensation; she could almost feel the water rushing over her fingers. She imagined water arcing from a drinking fountain, remembered how it felt pooling in her mouth, cold against her tongue. She remembered a garden hose on a hot day, testing the water dribbling out of it and waiting until the sun-heated water ran cool before putting a thumb over the nozzle and making a rainbow-dappled spray for Ruthie to run through. Droplets sparkled like a thousand tiny crystals in the sun.
Anguish seized Cass-not just a longing for another time, but a sense that she herself was lost, that her exile from the rest of the world had left her without a place to return to. She was missing two months of her life, and during that time, the world had moved on without her. The Beaters had evolved. Citizens had evolved, too. The shelters were full of survivors who made homes inside the schools and libraries and supermarkets and churches. In the time since she was taken, they had shared meals and made friends. They’d buried their dead and given birth and made love. They’d cried and grieved and laughed and created new memories.
And she had not been there.
Cass was alone, like she had always been alone, since the day her father walked out the door and her mother hardened and changed into someone else. The bad decisions she made in high school only grew more desperate as she pushed everyone away. She piled failure onto disappointment until there was no path back. Eventually her friendships atrophied and disintegrated and the only people in her life were the people she drank with or fucked.
For a brief, shining time there was Ruthie. Ruthie brought Cass back to life, Ruthie helped her start to be a person again. Until that dark moment when she stumbled, when her darkness reached up for her and pulled her down again, and maybe Mim and Byrn were right-maybe they had to take Ruthie away from her, maybe they had no choice because Cass didn’t deserve her.
Cass ground her knuckles hard against the porcelain of the sink until her bones ached. She’d finally gotten Ruthie back, only to fail her again. She’d had her daughter less than one day before she carelessly let the danger in. She’d almost let her daughter die a horrible death.
A sound came from her throat, a strangled whimper.
There was a knocking on the door, and then it swung open and Smoke was there. “Are you all right? Cass?”
His hand hovered in the air, as though he was afraid to touch her, and he said her name again.
“Cass?”
Slowly, she raised her face to the mirror and this time when she looked at herself there was a sparkle of tears in the moonlight, and Cass realized that she was crying for the first time since the day the social workers had come for Ruthie.
She stared at her ghostly reflection in disbelief, and it was only when Smoke took her by the shoulders and turned her toward him, when he reached a gentle hand toward her face to brush away her tears, that she shoved him.
“
Immediately he put his hands in the air and backed up into the door. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean-”
“You don’t understand. It’s-it’s what Lyle said. I could be a…” She swallowed, hard. “A
Smoke shook his head. “No, Cass. No. I don’t believe that. And even if it were possible, it wouldn’t be your tears. Just your saliva.”
“You don’t know that. That’s just a rumor.”
“Not for sure, maybe, but there’s a guy at the school, came out from UCSF in the early days of the Siege. One of the last ones to make it before the roads got all fucked up. He was a researcher, in infectious disease. He knew his shit, Cass. And he said it’s like with rabies. You get it from being bitten, from an infected animal’s saliva, and even if there’s traces of the virus in other body systems it’s not enough to cause infection. He said they tested one of them. One of the Beaters. Before they lost power in the lab. They didn’t get very far, but the abnormalities or whatever were in the saliva, and they found traces in the spinal fluid and internal organs but at such a low level that it wasn’t enough to pass on the disease.”
“He could have been making it up, he could have been crazy, he-”
“Yes,” Smoke interrupted. “Yes, he could have been lying. But I choose to believe him. That’s all we can do anymore…is to choose what we’re going to believe and what not to believe.”
This time when he traced his thumb gently along her cheek, Cass stayed still. When he grazed the tender skin below her eyes, her tears spilled over and splashed hot on his skin, but he did not flinch.
“What happened to him?” Cass whispered. “The scientist.”
“He moved on. He felt it was only a matter of time before the Beaters spread east, he figured within a year they’d have reached the Midwest and South. But he went north… He thought the Beaters might not be able to handle colder climates.”
“You believe that?”
Smoke said nothing, but his fingertips traced her hairline, over her ears, settled under her chin. “Yeah, maybe,” he finally said. “I mean they’re still human. Kind of. They’d die of exposure when the temperatures go below freezing, so I think there’s a good chance they’ll naturally keep moving south with the weather. Look, let’s not talk about all this anymore now. Come with me, Cass. Let’s lie down. I’ll stay awake with you until you fall asleep. Let me help-you don’t need to feel so alone.”
Cass ducked her chin. The moment was broken; she was done crying for now. She followed Smoke out of the bathroom and into the guest room, and as he closed the door silently behind them she turned the bedcovers down and slid between the sheets. They were marvelously cool and silky against her skin. They smelled like fabric softener, and Cass realized that they hadn’t been slept in since the last time they were washed.
Smoke unbuttoned his shirt, taking his time and watching her watching him in the moonlight. He slid it off and folded it and laid it on a chair. Then he took off his belt and boots and socks and dropped them to the floor. He got in the bed next to her, slowly, carefully, leaving an expanse of white sheet between them. He propped himself up on an elbow and gazed at her and she couldn’t help it, she sucked in her breath and felt her skin grow hot.
Being watched like this…Cass felt the old stirring, the need that had always made itself known to her without subtlety. Whenever she felt her solitude too acutely, the weight of all her terrible decisions, there was only one way to block it out, and that was to smother it with something stronger.
She had started using sex to obliterate the pain when she was a senior in high school. A few years later she’d evolved it into a high art, learning to attract and control and barter, and for a while that was enough. But over time it took greater and greater risks, sheer heights and breathless drops, to satisfy her need for release.
Drinking helped. But drinking only masked the need. It never took it away. And there had been plenty of nights when she didn’t manage to pass out before she had to satisfy the hunger that wouldn’t be quieted. Plenty of nights when she’d done things that skated a very thin line between pleasure and pain, when she didn’t recognize her own cries, couldn’t tell if they were anguish or satisfaction.
