Afterwards

Her body had gone rigid.

Mum is back in our spare room now, and I’m sitting on Adam’s bed, holding his small soft hand as he sleeps. Jenny’s memory has been playing in my mind like a film, which I can’t switch off; looping over and over again. I’m hoping that telling you what I see will make it finally stop.

The fire siren screeches into the summer’s afternoon. Jenny puts down her bottles of water and goes back into the school, using the kitchen entrance. She smells smoke, but isn’t frightened. She’s thinking about Annette, that she’ll be loving this.

She goes up the stairs towards the upper ground floor. Then she sees Maisie, in her long-sleeved FUN shirt.

Maisie is crying.

‘I saw Adam coming out of the Art room,’ she says. ‘Oh God, what have you done, Ro?’

Rowena, in her sensible linen trousers, is facing her, blazing with anger.

‘You saw Adam, and you blame me?’

‘No, of course not. I’m sorry I-’

Rowena slaps Maisie’s face, brutally hard. I hear the sound of her palm slamming against Maisie’s wet cheek and in that sound the fictions disintegrate.

‘Shut up, hog.’

‘You sent me a text,’ Maisie says. ‘I thought you’d-’

‘Forgiven you?’

‘I just wanted what was best-’

‘You take away my lover and then you bankrupt us. Stunning, Mummy. Fucking stunning.’

Maisie rallies for a moment. ‘He was too old for you. He was exploiting you and-’

‘He’s a pathetic piece of shit. Spineless. And you are an interfering bitch.’

Shouting at her, whipping her with words.

‘I should go and help,’ Maisie says. Then she turns to Rowena, finding courage.

‘Did you make Addie do it, Ro?’

‘You decide, Mummy.’

She wipes the tears off Maisie’s face; the red mark visible from where she slapped her.

‘You need to wash your face,’ she says. Then she pulls down Maisie’s trouser zip. ‘And dress properly, for fuck’s sake.’

Maisie leaves to help with the reception children. She hasn’t seen Jenny.

But Rowena sees her.

She sees Jenny and knows she’s heard everything.

Jenny remembered that at that moment the fire didn’t seem important. She knew there was virtually no one in the school and everyone could easily get out. All she could think about was Rowena hitting her mother, hurting her.

‘Adam’s gone to look for you,’ Rowena said to her. ‘Up in the medical room.’

And everything changed.

The school was on fire and Adam was at the top of the school.

Jen ran to find him.

And Addie? Where was he, really? I need to rewind a little now so he can feature in this ghastly film too.

I watch him leave sports day with Rowena, who’s suggested she takes him to get his cake. So carefully planned.

She’s wearing sensible clothes, in contrast to Jenny, and I think she looks so grown-up now.

They reach the edge of the playing field. By the chest-height jewel-coloured azalea bushes I think they pause a minute, while Rowena tells him about the birthday present Mr Hyman has left for him. And Addie is really pleased that Mr Hyman has got him a present.

Because I think that still figure I saw on the edge of the playing field was Rowena, with Adam next to her; but he was too small to be seen above the azalea bushes.

They walk on towards the school.

Rowena goes with Addie up to his classroom to get his cake. She takes the matches out of Miss Madden’s cupboard. She tells him that Mr Hyman’s present is in the Art room. It’s a different kind of volcano. He has to light it. He can use his birthday-cake matches.

But Adam doesn’t want to, surprising Rowena, because she underestimated him; thought him wet. So she tells him Mr Hyman brought the volcano present to the school himself, even though he’ll get into terrible trouble if he’s found there. She tells him Mr Hyman will be coming up to the Art room soon and will be so disappointed if Addie isn’t playing with his present. So Addie reluctantly agrees.

Rowena leaves and goes down the stairs to the office.

Addie goes to the Art room. He trusts Mr Hyman, loves him even. But he’s afraid of matches and he’s never lit one before, isn’t sure how to do it.

Rowena has time to listen to Annette’s inane chatter, hardening her alibi.

Adam gets a match to light. He stands well back and throws it at the volcano because he’s afraid of fire, even a sparkler.

And the bucket, full of accelerant, pauses a second, as the flame catches, and then it explodes, flames leaping out. Addie is terrified and runs.

I know, darling, I want to have been with him then too. Made it alright for him too.

Maisie is coming out of the ladies’ toilets, the alarm sounding, and she sees him as he runs from the Art room.

Adam dashes down the stairs, past the secretary’s office, and out of the main exit.

And the two films collide now because Maisie sees Rowena.

‘I saw Adam coming out of the Art room,’ she says. ‘Oh God, what have you done, Ro?’

And Jenny hears their argument; sees Rowena hit Maisie.

So Rowena tells her that Adam is looking for her up in the medical room.

A single sentence and our family is destroyed.

Because Jenny goes up to the third floor, looking for Addie.

She smells smoke, but it’s not too bad, not yet, and maybe she hears flames, but nothing yet to see.

She doesn’t know that the fire is travelling through the wall cavities and ceiling spaces and through vents.

Outside, on the gravel, Rowena has her arm around Adam. Next to them is the statue of herself as a child.

And I think it’s now that Rowena texts Jenny. I think she tells Jenny that Adam is still in the school; to keep her in there. I see her fingers quickly pressing the pads on her mobile.

By the side of the school, near the discarded water bottles, Jenny’s mobile bleeps with a message.

But no one hears.

Because the fire explodes. Flames ricochet along walls; heat tunnels along corridors and through ceiling cavities, punching through into rooms and blowing out the windows and the school is drowning in choking smoke.

On the playing field I see the thick black smoke and start running.

Next to the bronze child Rowena tells Addie that it’s all his fault.

Jenny had opened that fire door into her memory, and it was terrifying. She was shaking violently.

‘I’m in the fire. Addie must be here too. And it’s everywhere, the fire, burning, and…’

I put my arms around her and told her that she was safe now. I helped her to come back to me.

Rowena was still sleeping.

We left her room, neither of us could bear to be near to her now. But we could still see her through the glass in the door.

Her sleeping face looked like the blank slate of a person’s character.

‘Addie was outside all the time, wasn’t he?’ Jenny said. ‘I mean, that’s what Annette’s statement said, and Rowena’s, that he was outside straight away.’

‘Yes.’

They’d both been outside; for a minute, maybe two, both had been