love? Is there someone who loves you?”
She shook her head, then shrugged. “There is a boy named Lou Chong.”
“Benny Imura’s friend? Tom told me about him, too. A smart boy.”
“He can be stupid, too!” Her words were quick, and she stopped and shook her head again. “In town… Chong is smart. He knows science and books and stars and history. I can talk to him. We talked on his porch, at nights. Every night since I lived there. Seven months. We talked about everything.”
“He sounds nice.”
“He is… but out here… he isn’t smart.” She threw down the tweezers. The cat gave a disgusted grunt, stood up, turned around, and lay back down.
“Tell me,” said the Greenman as he reached over, picked up the tweezers, and handed them to her. After a long pause, she took them.
Lilah told him everything that had happened since Tom led them out of town. By the time she was done, all the flower petals had been plucked and were floating in water.
“If Chong loves you,” said the Greenman, “do you love him?”
“I don’t know!” she snapped, then, more softly, “I don’t know how to.”
The Greenman chuckled. “You wouldn’t be the first to feel that, but maybe the first to admit it. So… what does this have to do with running away from Benny and Nix? Take a breath. Think about it. Answer when it feels right.”
She took the breath. “Benny kept saying that Chong ran away because of me. That I made him because of what I said.”
“What did you say?”
“Back on the road… I told Chong that…” She wiped her eyes. “I told him that he was a stupid town boy and he shouldn’t be out here. I wanted him to go home. I told him to go home. Then, when Benny told me it was my fault… I… it made me forget how to use my spear. Or my gun. My hands wouldn’t think anymore.” She shook her head. “I’m not making sense.”
“Yes,” said the Greenman, “you are.”
“I made Chong run away.”
The Greenman leaned on his forearms and regarded her with a kindly smile. “A wise man once said that we can’t make anyone feel or do anything. We can throw things into the wind, but it’s up to each person to decide how they want to react, where they want to stand when things fall. Do you understand?”
She shook her head.
“It’s about responsibility. Chong felt responsible for what happened. Your words didn’t force him to run away.”
“I wish I could… un-say them.”
“Yep. I’m sure. But it’s still on Chong; it was his choice to run. He could have stayed, no matter what you said. Just as you could have stayed after what Benny said. It doesn’t make it right that hard words were said, but it doesn’t make you or Benny wrong for saying them. That’s yours to settle with yourself. Chong chose his path. Benny chose his when he spoke. You chose yours when you ran.”
“But it was the wrong choice!” she cried.
“That’s your call, honey,” he said. “Do you know why you ran away?”
She shrugged. “Before… I met Benny and the others… I knew the world. How it was. Zoms and bounty hunters and me. My cave, the way of hunting. Quieting zoms. Fighting men. Traps and hunting and all of that. It was just me and everything else. Me. I knew me. I knew what wasn’t me. But after I met them, things became… complicated. I had people. I had to care about them.”
“And that scared you because the last time you cared about someone was with Annie and George? No, don’t look surprised, Lilah. I lost people too. Everyone did. After you lost them, you stepped away from humanity. Not by choice, but out of a need to survive. You became used to being alone and not caring for or about anyone. Then you met Benny and Nix and you started to care.”
“It hurts to care!” she yelled as loud as her damaged voice would allow. Then, more quietly, she added, “It’s scary, and I never used to be afraid. If I lived, I lived. If I died, who would know? Who would care? Annie and George were gone. Without them it was like I had… armor. I don’t understand it.”
“You probably do on some level.”
“Benny said that Chong only came along because he loved me.” She shook her head in amazement at the thought. “I don’t understand that. I mean… I read books about love and romance, but it’s not the same.”
“No,” he conceded. “It surely is not. How does that make you feel, though? To have someone love you?”
She shook her head again. “Annie loved me. George loved me.”
“And you loved them… but now they’re dead,” said the Greenman softly. “And you probably feel guilty about that.” Lilah gave him a sharp look, but he continued. “I’m guessing here, but you probably feel guilty because you had already escaped from Gameland and you didn’t get back in time to save Annie. And George died while he was out looking for you. Are you afraid that if Chong loves you, and if you fall in love with him, that he’ll die too?”
“He’s… already gone.” Her face screwed up, but she forced herself not to sob. “Nothing makes sense anymore. Last night we went outside, and the trip wires were down. All those zoms were there. Too many of them. I-I looked into all those dead eyes. I saw Chong. In my mind… dead. Tom, too. Benny and Nix. I saw them all dead. Everyone I care about. Dead. I felt like I was dead too.”
“Ah,” said the Greenman gently. “That’s called terror. It’s confusion and a little paranoia and a nice big dose of panic. Everyone has those moments. Everyone. Even heroes like Tom.”
“But I ran away. I can’t take that back. I ran away and left Benny and Nix there. I didn’t help them, and I didn’t go looking for Chong. He left because of me. Because of how I treated him. Because of what I said to him. Benny said so.”
“Benny’s just a boy,” the Greenman said, “and I’ll bet he’s just as confused and scared as you. Sometimes people say terrible things when they’re scared. They don’t mean to, but they can’t help it. They lash out because if they can see that their words hurt someone else, it makes them feel as if they aren’t completely powerless.”
“That’s stupid!”
“No, it’s unfair, but for the most part it’s unintentional. If Benny’s anything like Tom, he’s probably kicking himself for what he said. He’d probably give a lot to roll the clock back to yesterday and make it right to you.”
“He can’t! He said it.”
“That’s true. He said it, and it hurt you, and with everything else that’s going on, all of you are probably in the same place. Confused, scared, and doing things you wish you could undo.”
Lilah wiped her eyes again. “I’m sorry for what I said to Chong. I do wish I could take it back.”
The Greenman stopped working for a moment. “Let me tell you a truth, little sister. No matter what choice you make, it doesn’t define you. Not forever. People can make bad choices and change their minds and hearts and do good things later; just as people can make good choices and then turn around and walk a bad path. No choice we make lasts our whole life. If there’s ever a choice you’ve made that you no longer agree with, you can make another choice.”
“I can’t undo it, though.”
“That’s not what I said. I’m pretty sure undoing it would involve time travel, and I don’t happen to have a time machine.”
She almost smiled at that.
“Everyone’s been there,” said the Greenman. “First Night wasn’t the only crisis. We’ve all had our moments of weakness and failure. All of us. We’ve all suffered through dark nights of the soul.”
“So is that it? Will I have to live the rest of my life like this? Not doing the right thing? Not saying the right words?”
“That’s your choice. You can’t change the past. Ah, but the future… you own the future.” The Greenman smiled. “So, you tell me… what choice do you want to make now?”
64
