The day the leader was killed

Elwan Fawwaz Muhtashimi

The beginning of a new day.

Old.

New, old.

New, old.

New, old.

New, old.

Old, new.

Dizzying.

If there can’t be old that is good, then let there be new that is bad. Anything is better than nothing. Death itself is novelty. Walking is health and a means of economizing. It’s supposed to be the road to love and beauty and look what it is! Ouch, my feet! Ouch, my shoes! Endure and be patient, for this is the age of endurance and having to be patient.

In these days of fire and brutes, no breeze to cool the heart but you, my love.

Still one must be grateful to the majestic trees and, above all, to the River Nile. Look up above, at the white clouds and the treetops so that you may forget the pockmarked surface of the earth. One day, you’ll meet an innocent devil and befriend him. I bow to the all-powerful mind, to nobility of character and to profound thought.

I have lived in this old house, lost amid towering buildings — an intruder among the rich — since childhood through adolescence and young adulthood. One of these days, the landlord will kill us. Amazing that love should survive amid this ever-spreading corruption. Is this shaky sidewalk the remnant of an air raid? Rubbish heaps lying there in corners guarding lovers. Good morning, you people, piled up in buses, your faces looking out behind cracked glass panes like those of prisoners on visiting days.

And the bridge bursting with passersby.

Cyclists greedily — but unremittingly — devouring bean sandwiches.

“With every mounting crisis

comes

relief,” said my grandfather.

Dear Grandpa, till when will we go on learning things off by heart and parroting others? He’s my best friend. And I’m but an orphan. I lost my parents when they lost themselves in continuous work from morning to night, shuttling between the government and private sector to eke out a meager living. We meet only fleetingly.

“No time for idle philosophizing, please. Can’t you see that we can’t even find time for sleep?”

When any of my sisters quarrel with their husbands, I’m the one who’s sent over to try to patch things up! These days, no one finds anyone to help. We all have to struggle, and finally it’s you and your luck! Here now is that food company — one of the public-sector firms — on the entrance of which you can read in bold print: ENTER HERE WITHOUT HOPE. And, finally, there is my sweetheart seated in our office: Public Relations and Translation. She looks at me with a smile suffused with love.

“Had you waited a few minutes, we would’ve come together,” I reprimanded her.

“For reasons I won’t bother you with, I had to have breakfast at the Brazilian Coffee Stores Café,” she answered cheerfully.

Thanks to my grandfather, we were able to be in the same company and in the selfsame division. Rather, it was thanks to one of the Free Officers who had, at one time, been one of his pupils. My grandfather is an unforgettable character so that even those who would normally not acknowledge the good offices of their predecessors would nevertheless have to acknowledge their debt to my grandfather. There are so many women in our division.

Piles of paper crowding our work, paperwork that needs no serious effort of concentration.

I work a little and then steal a glance at Randa.

I reminisce and dream. I dream and reminisce.

A long story going back to the beginning of time in our old house, the only one of its kind.

We played together as children. We were the same age. Mama insists — she has no proof — that she is older than I. Puberty comes along and, with it, a certain bashfulness and wariness. My conscience pricks me, dampening all pleasures. But ultimately love got the upper hand. It was during our secondary-school days. On the staircase, midway between both landings, we would indulge in fleeting flirtations and insinuations. One day, I flung a letter of confessions into her hands. In reply, she offered me

a novel entitled The Loyalty of Two Generations

. When, in the same year, we both passed our secondary-school examinations, I told my grandfather that I wanted to get engaged to our neighbor, Randa Sulayman.

My grandfather told me that, in his day, one was not allowed to talk about an engagement before one became totally independent. But he promised he would open up the subject with Father and Mother. He also promised to give me a hand. My mother said that the family of Sulayman Mubarak was closer to us than our own relatives, and that Randa was just like one of her daughters. “But she is older than you!” My father said, “She’s your age if not a little older and just as poor!”

Our engagement was announced on a happy day. In those days, a dream could still come true. But the moment we started working we had to face a new set of problems. Three years went by, and we turned twenty-six. I was in love then, but now I am exhausted, helpless, and burdened with responsibilities. We no longer meet just to talk but to engage in endless discussions, enough to allow us to qualify for the Economics Group: the flat, the furniture, the burdens of a life together. Neither she nor I have a solution. We have only love and determination. Our engagement was announced in the Nasser era and we were made to face reality in the days of Infitah. We sank in the whirlpool of a mad world. We are not even eligible for emigration. There is no demand for philosophy or history majors. We are redundant.

So many redundant people.

How did we get to this point of no return? I am a man persecuted and burdened with responsibilities and doubts; she is pretty and desirable. There I stand, broad as a dam, blocking her path.

Everywhere I see her parents’ angry looks. I can almost hear what is being said behind my back. And over and above that float the dreams of reform. They come from above or from below through resolutions or revolutions! The miracle of science and production! But what of what is being said about corruption and crooks? What Alyaa Samih and Mahmud al-Mahruqi are saying is just awful. What is right? Why have I become suspicious of everything since the fall of my idol in June 1967? How do people find a magic formula for amassing colossal wealth in record time? Could this happen without corruption? What is the secret of my insistence on remaining a man of principles? All I aspire to at this point is to be able to marry Randa.

Randa and I have been asked to meet Anwar Allam, the Chief of Division. We are summoned together since we work together on translating the statutes. He’s a pleasant, gregarious sort of man and loves to show off:

slim

, tall, and dark, with round eyes and a sharp look. He’s also an old man approaching his fifties and a bachelor.

“Hello, my bride- and bridegroom-to-be!” said Anwar Allam in his usual manner.

He started looking at our work, hurriedly but intelligently making some remarks here and there. As he returned the draft, he inquired, “When is the happy day?”

Although I imagine that it is his policy to interfere in the private lives of the employees, I am not comfortable about it, just as I am not comfortable about the look in his eyes. I do like him, though.

“We have, until now, found no solution to our problem.”

“No problem without a solution,” he said with bold contempt.

“

But…

“ I said as one on the point of objecting.

“Don’t keep repeating what all helpless people say,” he said, interrupting me suddenly.

“What do you think is the solution?” I asked, much annoyed.

“Don’t turn to others for solutions,” he said, laughing in an irritating way.

I returned to my desk with one idea haunting me: he had deliberately tried to depict me as an utterly helpless person in Randa’s presence. I was obsessed with this idea the whole while until it was time to leave. As we returned together to Nile Street, wrapped up in our coats, I told her:

“The man got on my nerves.”

“Mine too,” she said, pulling up the collar of her coat securely around her lovely neck.

“He’s revolting and thinks he’s smart.”

“That’s right.”

“Do you believe there’s a solution to our problem that hasn’t occurred to us yet?”

She mused a little and then said:

“I have great faith in God, yet we

keep believing

that everything will remain the same forever.”

“But time is flying, Randa,” I said, perturbed.

“Maybe, but love is constant!” she said, smiling.