She was young enough to believe that was possible, he thought in wonder. And he was entranced enough to think she could.
“I won’t be starting until January, though. The whole crowd thing. But my mom talked to the admissions people and there are some classes I can take online, which is totally great. So I’ll have the same number of units as everyone else when I finally get there.”
“You’ll have to let me know how it all goes,” he said.
“Really? You’d be interested?”
Tracy smiled at her daughter. “Honey, he just saved your life. I think he has a little something invested in your future.”
“Right. I never thought of it that way. Okay. Sure. I can let you know. Do you do e-mail?”
He nodded.
“Me, too. I love it. And instant messaging. I would just die without that and my cell phone to keep in touch with all my friends.” She flashed a smile at Tracy. “Mom’s been great about letting me do that. Of course we got unlimited local calling and my friends all have it, too.” Her voice trailed off. “You probably don’t care about that.”
Actually, he did. He wanted to hear about every aspect of her life. He couldn’t believe he was here, so close to her. He wanted to hug her and tell her who he was. He wanted to show her New York and Europe and watch her grow into a beautiful woman. Mostly, he wanted to turn back the clock and watch her from the time she’d been born.
The combination of pleasure at her company and pain for all he’d missed immobilized him. He ached in a way he’d never hurt before. She was incredible and no matter what he said or did, he couldn’t get those years back.
Lindsey frowned. “You look kinda familiar. It’s hard to tell with the mask, but I saw you when you came into the dressing room and I thought…” She looked from him to her mom, then back. “Do I know you?”
He’d been waiting for this moment for seventeen years. Here it was-the perfect invitation. The chance to tell her who he was.
Penny held her breath. Despite being in the waiting room, she could hear their conversation and she could feel Cal’s longing to be with his daughter. Love radiated out from him like heat from a stove. He’d done the right thing over and over and this was his reward. Yet she couldn’t help wanting to stop him.
The girl was an innocent in all this. She’d never wanted to know her birth parents. Why tell her now? It would change her forever, and possibly not in a good way. But Penny knew that Cal had earned this moment and right or wrong, he would take it.
“You’ve seen me,” Cal said, his voice thick with emotion.
Penny’s eyes filled with tears. She glanced at Tracy and saw the woman trembling with emotion. No doubt she was terrified she would lose some part of her daughter. That a piece of her heart would be given to Cal.
“I’m one of the owners of The Daily Grind. My partners and I used to do the commercials on television.”
Penny blinked back tears as her heart froze in her chest. Was that it? She braced herself for more and was stunned when after a second Lindsey said, “Oh, yeah. That’s it. I knew you looked like somebody I knew.”
Then she mentioned how sad she was to miss the prom, but that her boyfriend had promised her they would go dancing as soon as she could handle the crowds. Cal asked if she had any pets and the conversation continued.
Tracy looked as stunned as she, Penny, felt. What had just happened? Why had Cal passed over the perfect opportunity to tell Lindsey who he was?
Fifteen minutes later the visit ended. Cal promised to answer Lindsey’s e-mail and she promised to keep in touch. She turned on the TV before they left the room.
When the door to Lindsey’s room was closed, Tracy turned to him. “Why didn’t you tell her?” she asked in a low voice.
Cal pulled off his protective gown. “I wanted to, but I couldn’t say the words. She’s a great kid, Tracy, and that’s because of you and Tom. But she’s still young and I didn’t want to screw with her world.”
Tracy threw herself at him. “Thank you,” she said as tears poured down her cheeks. “Thank you. I know you could have told her. You had every right. You’ve given her to us twice now and taken nothing for yourself. I don’t know how to repay that kind of sacrifice.”
Penny found herself fighting tears of her own. When Cal looked at her and raised his eyebrows, she shrugged. “Hormones,” she said with a sniff.
He patted Tracy’s back until she straightened. “I should get back to her,” she said.
“Thanks for letting me meet her,” he told Tracy.
“You’re a great man, Cal. Truly.” She wiped her face, then entered her daughter’s room.
Cal was quiet the whole way to the car. Once they were on the road, he looked at her. “I know it’s only three in the afternoon, but I need a drink. Want to keep me company?”
“Sure. Where do you want to go?”
“Somewhere quiet. How about my place?”
“Okay.”
He didn’t speak again until they arrived at his house. Penny followed him inside, then watched as he poured himself a Scotch. After he’d taken a long drink, she walked over and touched his arm.
“You did a good thing,” she murmured.
He looked at her. “It hurt like hell. All I wanted was for her to be mine. I couldn’t stop thinking about everything I’d missed by giving her up. All those years. But look at the life she has with Tracy and Tom. I couldn’t have done that. I’d be hard-pressed to do that now, let alone at seventeen.”
“What changed your mind?”
He took another drink. “I realized that loving my daughter meant wanting what was best for her. For her, not for me. As much as I might want a place in her life, that’s not what she wants. She’s looking forward to college and growing up to change the world. She has great parents. She doesn’t need me barging in and changing everything.”
He put down the drink. “It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Harder than giving her up, even, because now I know what I’ve lost and back then I could only guess.”
She felt his pain as if it were her own. “I can’t fix this, but for what it’s worth, I’m incredibly proud of you. You did good.”
“Yeah?”
She nodded, then moved in front of him and raised herself on tiptoe so she could kiss his mouth. “Lindsey’s a very lucky young lady. She has a hell of a father in you.”
He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close. As his mouth claimed hers, she felt his longing for both sex and relief from the pain. He wanted to find solace in her.
She gave in because she couldn’t imagine walking away. Not when she wanted him, too. But even as he ran his hands up and down her back and touched her bottom lip with his tongue, she knew she was making a big mistake.
Nothing had changed. If anything, Cal’s actions today had only reinforced what she knew to be true. He loved Lindsey enough to make the big and painful sacrifices. He was, at his core, a good man.
But that had never been the issue between them. The problems had been about his inability to love
Had that changed or was she beating her head against an unmoving emotional wall?
“Earth to Penny,” he murmured, kissing the side of her neck. “You’re a thousand miles away. Do you want me to stop?”
Heat poured through her body. Every nerve ending begged for his touch. She wrapped her arms around him and surrendered to his sensual caress.
“Of course not,” she whispered.
“Good.”
He returned his mouth to hers. She parted for him. As he swept inside, she told herself it was a hell of a time to realize she was still in love with him.
