after he hit Robby, he started coming after me.' He sagged back to the bed. 'Kyle said if I'd tried to defend myself, Gary wouldn't have hit me. He said he's a bully and bullies only go after people who don't know how to defend themselves.'
Sandy blinked in confusion. 'Who are Gary and Robby, and what does this have to do with your getting hit?'
Blake took a deep breath. 'I went over to Robby's to play baseball with the guys…'
Her son gave her a more detailed explanation of what had happened. She listened carefully. When he got to the part about defending Robby against the neighborhood bully, she took his hand and squeezed it. 'That was very brave of you,' she said.
Blake squirmed. 'I didn't know he was gonna hit me.'
'Still, standing up for someone you just met isn't something most boys would do. I'm glad you did the right thing. What happened next?'
'Gary and his friends chased me out of the yard and onto that dirt road. Gary said he was gonna beat me up. I didn't know what to do, but I didn't want to run. Then Kyle came through the bushes and yelled at Gary to let me alone.' He grimaced. 'When I heard Kyle, I looked at him. That's when Gary punched me. Kyle chased 'em off. He said the best way to deal with a bully is to know how to defend myself. He started to show me how.' The unbruised side of his mouth turned down. 'That's when you came in and got real upset.'
'I see.' Sandy rose and walked to the window. She closed it halfway, then stared out at the night. From what Blake told her, Kyle had done what he could to stop the fight. Kyle had tried to tell her that, but she had been too busy assigning blame. Why? she wondered. Why did she always want him to be the bad guy?
'Mom, can I play with Robby again?'
She turned to look at her son. He hadn't had a friend in a long time. 'Sure, honey. You can go over there, or have him come here. You two will probably want to avoid Gary, though.'
'Yeah. I don't like him.'
She needed to talk with Gary's parents. Then she realized she didn't know the boy's last name. She would have to ask Kyle. If he was still speaking to her.
'Are you mad at Kyle?' Blake asked.
'Not in the way you think. Grown-ups have different kinds of mad.'
'But we didn't go to his house for the barbecue.'
No surprise there. She'd told Kyle she wanted him to stay away from her. She flinched. She'd overreacted. She saw that now. Once again she'd reacted to the fear of not being in control. 'You wouldn't have been able to eat anything,' she said.
'I know, but I could have, you know, been there.' Blake looked at her. 'I like Kyle, Mom. He's gonna teach me how to defend myself so Gary can't hurt me again.'
Sandy wasn't sure how she felt about that, but she didn't want to get into it tonight. 'We'll talk in the morning. Right now, why don't you get some sleep?'
'Okay.' He turned onto his side.
She moved next to the bed, then bent down and kissed his cheek, being careful to stay away from the bruise. Then she turned off the light and left the room. Nichole was already in bed, but Lindsay was waiting downstairs. Sandy wasn't ready to face her oldest yet.
She paused by the top of the stairs and tried to remember everything she'd said to Kyle. It was all a blur. She remembered parking the car and starting to get out. Lindsay had come running outside and told her Blake had been in a fight and was bleeding. Her next clear memory was standing in Kyle's kitchen and telling him she wanted him out of her life. He'd tried to explain, but she hadn't let him. It was so much easier to make everything his fault. If it wasn't, she would have to look to herself. She would have to question why she did things. She couldn't afford to let her carefully constructed world crumble. It was all she had.
She sat on the top stair and buried her face in her hands. It was all too confusing. Her body was screaming at her, yelling, 'He's the one, he's the one,' while her head kept calling her a fool. Kyle had the potential to break her heart and that had her running scared. She'd made such a huge mistake with Thomas. She'd taken a look at the exterior package and had assumed he was what he appeared to be. Who ever heard of a philosophy professor who went rock climbing and cut class to surf? She didn't want to be stupid again.
So where did that leave her? If only Kyle hadn't asked her if she was ever lonely. By bringing the question to the light of day, she'd been forced to face reality. The truth was she'd spent her life being lonely. As a child, her days had been filled with secrets. Caring for an alcoholic mother hadn't been easy. After her mother had died, she'd expected to only feel relief. Instead, she'd mourned her parent. The move to Glenwood had allowed her to heal some, but she realized now it had come too late. She'd never been able to let go enough to be a child again. She'd crossed the line to adulthood and there wasn't any going back.
With Thomas, she'd hoped to finally find a place to belong, a relationship between equals, where she could be both care giver and care receiver. She'd wanted to let someone else carry the burden for a while. It wasn't to be. She'd found that out the first week of classes, when he'd skipped lectures to surf. She still remembered how shocked she'd been. He was the professor. He'd shrugged off her concern by pointing out there were only a certain number of good surfing days in the fall, and he intended to take advantage of all of than.
She'd tried to make the marriage work, but it was destined to fail. Thomas had been content to let her take care of everything and she hadn't been willing to let some things go undone in an effort to force him to help. So the loneliness had gotten bigger until it filled her life and left her numb.
Sandy rose slowly and walked down the stairs. She stepped into the family room. Their blue floral-print sectional sofa blended with the soft ivory walls. She'd found an old rug in the attic and had aired it for a couple of days. The blue and rust tones brought out the colors from the couch and the hardwood floors, making the room look homey. Lindsay sat in the far corner of the sectional. She had the TV on, but the sound turned low.
Sandy sat in the oak rocker she'd bought when she first found out she was pregnant. It felt like yesterday, but it was over thirteen years ago. She'd sat in the chair night after night with her hand on her belly, willing her baby to be happy and healthy. Lindsay sure wasn't happy today.
'I've about had it with your sulking,' Sandy said, throwing down the gauntlet. If she didn't jump start her daughter into talking about what she was feeling, Lindsay would spend the next week moving from room to room and sighing loudly whenever anyone was in earshot.
'I'm
'How is your life ruined?'
Her daughter rolled her eyes. 'You
'Because I don't want you to see Kyle so much? Honey, it's not good for you to spend too much time over there. He's an older man. You have these…' She paused, not wanting to make the situation worse. 'You have these ideas about him, but they aren't realistic. You're still a child.'
Lindsay jumped to her feet. Her long brown hair spilled over her face. She brushed it back impatiently. Sandy recognized the movement as one she made frequently herself. They were more alike than they looked on the surface. Maybe that's why they were often at each other's throats.
'I'm not a child. I'm practically a teenager. I'm growing up, even if you don't want to admit it. Maybe because I'm young and beautiful and it makes you feel old.'
Sandy forced herself to remain calm. 'Talking and thinking ugly is going to make you ugly inside and out, young lady. I'm trying to treat you like the mature person you claim to be, but if you act like a child, I'll send you to your room just like I would with Nichole.'
'Please.' She put her hands on her hips. 'I don't think it's fair for you to tell me who I can and can't see.'
'I don't want you at Kyle's house by yourself.' She met her daughter's mutinous stare. 'I'm going to talk to him in a couple of days. If we get everything straightened out, then yes, we'll have contact with him. As neighbors. It's not right for you to be there all the time. He's got a personal life, and he doesn't need a young girl getting in the way of that.'
'It's not like that,' Lindsay said loudly. 'It's not. He likes me. You're being mean because Daddy loved me more than you. You're afraid Kyle likes me more, too. You're punishing me for that.'
She started to run out of the room. Sandy jumped up and grabbed Lindsay's arm. Tears filled her daughter's brown eyes. Sandy pulled her close and held her. Lindsay resisted, then sagged against her.
