'You're being very nice about this.'
'Never tell a man he's nice. It doesn't do a thing for our egos. Look, that cloud looks like a dragon.'
He stared at the sky because looking at Sandy was driving him crazy. Her breasts seemed to thrust forward in invitation and he couldn't stop wishing her nipples would get hard. He was horny and disgusting, but mentally beating himself up wasn't doing anything about reducing his state of arousal. Maybe if he stared at something other than her, he could calm down.
'It's not a dragon, it's a teapot.'
'No way. That part sticking out at the back is the tail,' he told her.
'It's the handle. See.' She leaned forward and pressed her right hand on his thigh. With her left hand, she pointed up. He swallowed hard. Her nipples were getting hard, dammit. He could see the faint outline of them through her T-shirt. And she was burning him, the heat of her fingers searing through his jeans to his skin. If she moved her hand a little higher and touched him, he would explode.
He had to change the subject and fast. Talk about something nonsexual, he told himself. Something that would make her stop touching him.
'I never knew your mother was an alcoholic,' he said.
His statement got the desired result. Sandy pulled back and straightened. 'I didn't talk about it much.'
'Do you want to now?'
'There isn't anything to say.'
He continued to stare at the sky and let the silence of the peaceful afternoon surround them. 'That one looks like a race car,' he said, pointing. He glanced at Sandy. She stared at the picnic tabletop.
'I don't remember much about her,' she said, tracing initials that someone had carved in the wood. 'I suppose I've blocked it all out. I was pretty young when I figured out something was wrong. Sometimes she would be fine, but other times she would be asleep and I couldn't wake her up. I remember one time, crying for her to cook dinner. I must have been about five. She had passed out on the sofa. Finally, I made myself a peanut-butter sandwich. The next morning, she was sorry and promised it would never happen again. It did, of course. It never stopped.'
Kyle sat up. Sandy turned toward the tabletop, swinging her outside leg over the bench and pressing her knees together.
'She dried out a few times. At first, I kept hoping it would work, but after a while I didn't expect anything to change. While she was gone, I stayed with friends. I spent the summer here, once, with my aunt, before I moved in with her permanently. I suppose that's where the control thing started. I remember being so afraid all the time. I couldn't count on her to take care of me, so I had to take care of myself. I know that's why I need to be in control now.'
'You never saw your dad?'
'He didn't care about us.' She looked at him, then away. 'At least that's what my mom told me. I'm not sure I believe that anymore, but I never wanted to look for him or anything. There wasn't any point.'
Kyle wanted to pull her close and comfort her. Not the adult Sandy. That woman didn't want to admit weakness. Instead, he ached for the child who had been left alone and abandoned by an alcoholic mother. He wanted to comfort the five-year-old who didn't have any dinner, and the second-grader who would have wanted someone to see her in the school play, but who probably hadn't told her mother about the event in case she showed up drunk.
'And then Thomas let you down,' he said.
'I don't blame him for disappointing me,' she said. 'I'm beginning to see I was the one with the illusions. I wanted more than he could give. It's not his fault he wasn't responsible and together.'
'But it is his fault he hurt his son.'
She glanced at him. 'How much did Blake tell you?'
'Enough for me to put the pieces together. Remember, I had a jerk for a father, too. I know what it's like.'
'I worry about Blake. He seems to be doing better here, though. I'm glad he's friends with Robby. And I'm glad you've been there for him.'
The praise made him proud and uncomfortable all at the same time. 'Yeah, well, he's a good kid. They all are.'
'Even Lindsay?' she teased.
'It's not that I don't like her.'
'I know,' she said. She angled toward him. 'She's confused. I'm sure this is a phase that will pass. Right now, she's caught between being a child and being a teenager. She doesn't fit in either world. She's terrified of moving forward, but she's too grown-up to return to the past. Plus, Lindsay misses her dad a lot.'
'She mentioned they did a lot of stuff together.'
Sandy smiled sadly. 'Lindsay always had spirit. Thomas admired that. I probably shouldn't have let him favor her, but I didn't know how to stop it. Nichole was the baby and had me, so she didn't really notice, but I know it bothered Blake.'
She rested her left arm on the tabletop. He placed his hand on top of hers. 'If your marriage was so unhappy, why did you stay?'
'I used to ask myself the same question. I still don't have an answer. Partly it was for the children. I remembered what it was like having only one parent, and not a very good one at that. I wanted more for them. Maybe it was also that I didn't want to admit failure.' She sighed. 'I guess the truth is, I was afraid. If I left, I would be on my own. I didn't want to risk it.'
'You're alone now,' he said. 'I think you're doing a hell of a good job.'
'Thanks. Some days I think it's going to be fine. Other days I don't think I can make it. Then I remember I don't get a choice. They're depending on me. I have to make it.'
He brushed his thumb against the back of her hand. Her skin was soft and smooth. He turned her hand over and rested his fingertips on her palm.
'You could get married again,' he said, staring at the shape of her wrist and the clasp of her watchband. 'It's not as if you're mourning the love of your life.'
'I've already made one mistake. I don't want to make another one.'
'What makes you think it would be a mistake?'
'The odds are not in my favor.'
He glanced at her. Her eyes were wide and flickering with emotion. He thought he might have seen a spark of desire there, as well, but he wasn't sure. Or maybe he was sure, but he wasn't ready to act.
'What's the worst that could happen?' he asked.
'I'd end up with another child. And I'm not talking about an infant. Actually, I wouldn't mind another baby.' Her expression became dreamy. 'I like babies.'
'Me, too.'
She blinked and looked away. 'I wouldn't want another Thomas. Someone who only pretended to be grownup. If I ever get involved again, it's going to be with someone responsible, who understands life is serious business and we don't always get to have our way. I want a partner, not a playmate.'
He chose not to take offense at her words, mostly because he knew she wasn't directing them specifically at him. She'd recited her list of requirements as if she'd spoken them before. They were, he realized, a talisman to keep away all that she was afraid of.
'You're putting up barriers to keep people from getting close to you,' he said, 'and calling those barriers 'responsibility.' I suspect that if you found a responsible man who was everything you wanted him to be, you'd get so scared, you'd take off running in the opposite direction.'
'That's not true at all.'
She tried to pull her hand free, but he wouldn't let her. 'I also think that you'd come up with another list of excuses to keep from getting close. You don't trust what you can't control, and you can't control love. Or passion. You blame your failed marriage on Thomas, but how much of it was your fault?'
'Mine? He's the one who was always gone.'
'You let him go. It takes two to fight, Sandy. You let him leave because you were afraid.'
'You don't know what you're talking about.'
'Don't I? You're still afraid. Look at me and tell me the thought of making love with me doesn't make you
