Full-Time Father

figure that made her the envy of most of her friends. If she hadn’t been a genuinely nice person, someone would have done her in years ago. She taught at the same school with Erin. When Erin had first mentioned driving up to meet Christie’s father, Joyce had offered to tag along to spell the driving and to baby-sit if needed. Then she would hop down to San Francisco and spend a week with her fiance who was there on business.

“You’re sure about this guy?” Joyce asked, obviously reluctant to leave.

Erin crossed the room and gave her friend a hug. “I would never put Christie in danger. Parker Hamiliton is a very nice man. A little reclusive, but that’s not a horrible fault. He seems genuinely excited to meet his daughter. Christie needs this.”

Joyce hugged her back, then stared at her. “You always worry about what Christie needs, but who worries about what you need?”

“Me? I’m fine.”

“You’re twenty-seven years old, and you’re living like a nun.”

“I happen to like living like a nun.”

Joyce laughed. “Don’t lie to me. You hate it. You have to. It’s not easy being responsible for everything yourself. I just wish-”

Erin returned to the double bed by the door and sank onto the mattress. “You wish what?”

“I wish it had turned out differently.”

Erin shook her head. Off-key singing floated out of the bathroom. Christie was mangling a song she learned at her preschool.

“I don’t want to change anything,” Erin said. “I know you have trouble believing me, but it’s true. Christie is the best part of my life.”

“She’s a wonderful little girl, but you need more.”

“Agreed. When there’s time.”

“You have to make time.” Joyce glanced at her watch again. “Speaking of which, I’ve got to get going. You have the name of the hotel?”

“Yes. And if there’s any problem, I’ll be on the phone instantly.” She made an X over her heart. “I swear.”

“Have fun,” Joyce admonished.

“That, too.”

Her friend waved, then stepped out of the motel room and shut the door behind her.

“Are you doing okay?” Erin called.

“Yes, Mommy,” Christie answered.

Erin stood up and crossed to the open suitcase on the dresser. Most of her daughter’s things had already been packed. Her suitcase was on the bed. She walked over to it and dug under a couple of sweaters for her sister’s diary, then sat back on the mattress.

Erin knew she hadn’t been completely honest with Joyce. If she could, she would change one thing about her past. She would change Stacey’s death. Even five years later, she still missed her twin. They’d spent four years going to different colleges, but Erin had always felt connected. Now she could never shake the feeling that a piece of her was gone. After twenty-two years of being half of a pair of identical twins, she’d been left alone.

The leather-bound diary was cool to the touch. When she’d found the journal she hadn’t been able to read more than a few entries. The familiar handwriting made her miss Stacey more than ever. Now reading the words brought her sister back to life. Erin flipped it open, randomly turning pages until Parker’s name caught her eye. She began to read.

Parker gave us an introductory session this afternoon. There are five other interns, four guys and one really mousy-looking nineteen-year-old in thick glasses. I don’t think he’ll notice her.

Erin skipped the paragraphs about the programs Stacey had been so excited to work on. There were details about schedules, then she found Parker’s name again.

I sat next to him at dinner. I know Erin would laugh if I told her, but I was too excited to eat. He’s very handsome, yet it’s more than that. It’s the sadness in his eyes. It calls to me. I want to hold him and heal him until he smiles again. My blood races whenever I’m near him. It’s as if he’s my destiny and I am his.

The next sentence had been obliterated by thick strokes of black pen. No matter how Erin held the page up to the light, she couldn’t make out the words.

I’ve fallen for him. Love has made me a giddy fool. I’m trying hard to be sensible, but part of me doesn’t want to be. I want to feel the romance and the magic. I want my blood to race and my heart to pound. I want to feel the heat of his hand against my skin.

Erin slammed the diary shut. She was feeling some heat of her own, but it came from the flush of embarrassment on her cheeks.

“How you doing?” she called.

“I’m fine.” Christie’s voice was patient. They went through this ritual every time she bathed. The four-year-old liked to have her playtime with her tub toys. Erin didn’t mind, but she needed to hear splashing and singsong conversation to know that her daughter was doing all right in the water.

She placed the diary on the bed and covered her face with her hands. Why was this happening? She wasn’t the young romantic innocent Stacey had been. She was a mature woman, a single parent, a respected teacher. She was stronger than this. Falling apart when she was around Parker Hamilton wasn’t an option.

Easier said than done, she thought, remembering the heat she, too, had felt when Parker had touched her. What was going on? Why did Stacey’s diary make sense? Why was she experiencing the same reaction around the same man? She wasn’t the emotional sister. She wasn’t the romantic one. She’d always been practical and logical. After all, when the girls had realized there wasn’t enough money for both of them to go to the college of their choice, Erin had been the one to figure out if they left some of the money in for an additional four years, then one could go away to college and one could go away to graduate school.

She knew she had a brain, so why wasn’t it working now?

You’re living like a nun.

Joyce’s words came back to haunt her. For the most part Erin didn’t miss having a man in her life. She never met anyone special enough to make her heart race or her blood…

Don’t think about it, she ordered herself. It wasn’t important. She wasn’t really caught up in some situation that forced her to re-live her sister’s life. The point was, she just hadn’t had time to date. Obviously that was the problem. Parker was the first good-looking, single guy she’d been around since college. Of course she had a reaction to him. It didn’t mean anything except that maybe it was time to dump the nun act and start behaving like a woman. Not around him, but around someone safer.

“You all right?” she called, listening to the splashing.

“Yes, Mommy.” Christie’s voice was slightly less patient.

She would get her feelings under control, she told herself firmly. She would stop reacting like…like…like Stacey and start acting more like herself. Otherwise she was going to say or do something foolish. That would only make an awkward situation worse. After all, Parker hadn’t once hinted he found her attractive.

He’d been attracted to Stacey, a voice in her head whispered, and you look just like her. But had he been attracted to Stacey? Stacey’s diary was full of romance and melodrama, but nothing very substantive. How much of their relationship had been in her sister’s head?

However they had been lovers.

Erin opened the diary to the last page and stared at the photograph there. She’d tucked it next to the half- finished letter she’d found in the diary. She wasn’t sure why. She didn’t usually travel with pictures of her sister in her luggage, but it had seemed important to bring one of Stacey on this trip.

She smiled at the silliness of that thought. If she wanted to remember Stacey all she had to do was look in the mirror.

Even so, she picked up the photo and stared at her twin. Stacey wore her hair long, she always had. Erin preferred it short. They had the same features, the same smile, the same dimple. Erin had a tiny scar on her forehead from a run-in with a coffee table when she was about Christie’s age. The sisters had always weighed the same and although they shared clothes, they hadn’t dressed alike if they could avoid it.