Sweet Trouble

Wow-almost an entire conversation. “Tempting, but no,” she said. For once she wasn’t in the mood for Andrew and “the goods,” as he referred to his penis. Which she supposed was slightly better than naming it Andrew Junior.

“Your loss.”

“I’m sure I’ll regret it for weeks. Bye.” She hung up. “Sorry. I’m officially turning off my phone. We won’t be interrupted again.”

Matt sat across from her. “Not your boyfriend?”

“Are you asking or telling?”

“The guy from before was Zeke. This one is Andrew.”

“You’re observant. An excellent quality. And no, neither one is my boyfriend. I don’t get serious like that.” What was the point? She’d never really found someone she wanted to keep seeing more than a few times.

“Interesting. Why is that?”

She stared into his dark eyes. “Don’t for a second think you can make me forget why we’re here by asking me about myself.”

He shrugged. “It was worth a try.”

“Uh-huh. Moving on. We have a lot of stuff to get through today.” She paused for effect. “I’ve come up with a plan.”

Matt sipped his drink and blinked at her.

She refused to let his lack of support slow her down. “First, I have a few questions. What do you do for a living? Something with computers?”

He nodded. “Programming. I work on games a lot. At Microsoft.”

“I figured. Do you have any hobbies?”

He thought for a second. “Computers and games.”

“Nothing else?”

“Movies, maybe.”

Which meant no, but he’d had to come up with something quick. “Have you seen How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days? It opened last week.”

He shook his head.

“Go see it,” she told him, then tapped the table in front of him. “You should be taking notes. You’re going to have homework.”

“What?”

“You have a lot to learn. It’s going to take effort on your part. Are you in or out?”

He hesitated for a moment. “In,” he said, although he didn’t sound very excited about the prospect.

She passed him a couple of pieces of paper. He dutifully wrote down the movie title.

“We’ll deal with your apartment later. Today I want to talk about cultural references and your wardrobe.”

“I don’t have an apartment.”

She blinked at him. “Excuse me?”

“I live at home. With my mom.” He pushed up his glasses. “Before you say anything, it’s a really nice house. A lot of guys live at home. It’s convenient.”

Oh, my. The situation was worse than she thought. “How old are you?”

“Twenty-four.”

“It’s probably time to fly free. What’s the point in getting the girl if you don’t have anywhere to take her?” She made a note. “Like I said, that’s for the advanced half of the class.”

“Where do you live?”

Jesse stared at him, then started to laugh. “With my sister.”

He looked smug. “See?”

“I’m not a guy.”

“So?”

“Point taken. But you have to move out first.” She dug into her backpack and pulled out a stack of magazines. “People is weekly. Subscribe. Cosmo and Car and Driver are monthly. So is In Style. Read them. There will be a quiz.”

He grimaced. “These are girl magazines, except for the car one and I’m not into cars.”

“These are cultural textbooks. In Style has a great section on guys who dress well. There are also lots of pictures of pretty women. You’ll like that. People will keep you up to date on celebrity news, which you may not care about but at least you’ll recognize a few of the names people are talking about. The car magazine is to make you well-rounded and Cosmo is every twenty-something woman’s companion. Think of it as the enemy’s playbook.” She pushed the magazines toward him.

“Next,” she continued. “Television.”

“I don’t watch much.”

“You’re going to start watching American Idol and Gilmore Girls. You can find old episodes of Gilmore Girls on the Family Channel every day. Record them to watch when you’re free. That’s going to teach you how to talk to a woman, or at least how women fantasize that men will talk to them. It’s fast, it’s funny, it has lots of insight. American Idol is the most popular show on television. Get involved. Discuss it with coworkers.”

“You can’t learn how to talk to women by watching television,” Matt told her.

“How do you know? Have you tried?”

“No.”

“Okay, then.” She scanned her list. “Next. We’re going out to dinner. I want you to call and ask me out on a date, over and over again. Sometimes I’ll say yes and sometimes I’ll say no. We’re going to do that every day for a couple of weeks, until you’re comfortable with the process. Next up, shopping. You have got to get some new clothes.”

He glanced down at himself. “What’s wrong with my clothes?”

“How much time do you have? Don’t worry. It’s all fixable. I’m actually more concerned about the glasses.”

He scowled. “I can’t wear contacts.”

“Have you thought about LASIK surgery?”

“No.”

“Check it out online. You have great eyes. It would be nice if we could see them. So what do you think about the Mariners’ chances this season?”

He looked blank. “That’s baseball, right?”

She groaned. “Yes. Follow the team this season. Add it to your homework assignment.”

He pushed back his chair and stood. “This is stupid. I don’t know why you’re bothering. Just forget it.”

She rose and grabbed his arm. He was much taller than her and had plenty of muscle. That was good. “Matt, don’t. I know it seems like a lot, but once we get the big things out of the way, it won’t be so bad. You may like it. Don’t you want to find someone special?”

“Maybe not this badly.”

“You don’t mean that.”

“Why are you doing this?” he asked. “What do you get out of it?”

“I’m having fun,” she admitted. “I like thinking about you. It’s easier than thinking about me.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m stuck right now.” She didn’t have a career or anything close to direction or a goal. She changed guys as often as most women changed panties, which wasn’t anything she was proud of.

He looked surprised. “You’re the one who’s big on change.”

“Those who can, do. Those who can’t, teach.”

He studied her for a second. “You’re evasive.”

“Sometimes.”

“Why?”