He wanted to tell her that was never going to happen, but he was no longer sure about anything. “You didn’t answer my question. Why are you here?”
She stepped inside and closed the door behind her. “The same reason you are. I want to touch the past… maybe for the last time.” She walked around the small room, then moved next to him and, as he’d done, traced the spines of the books.
She wore jeans, a long-sleeved shirt and worn boots. Despite the two-inch heel on the latter, she barely came up to his shoulder. He could easily rest his chin on her head and feel her blond curls tickling his neck. How many times had he done so in the past? Fifty? A hundred? He would walk up behind her and put his arms around her. She would lean into him. She’d been small and feisty, and holding her had felt so damned right.
She looked at him, her blue eyes wide and expressive. “In some ways this feels like just last week or last month. It can’t have been eleven years since I was out here.”
“I don’t get out here much, either.”
“I’m not surprised. What had been an escape for you turned into our place. You wouldn’t have been comfortable here on your own. Too many memories.”
He wanted to protest. She wasn’t right about him. He hadn’t missed her when she’d left. Except he had. He’d missed her so much he hadn’t known how he was going to make it. Emotions battered at the wall around his heart. He shoved them back in place. No way was Katie going to get to him again.
She picked up a slender volume of poetry and smiled. “You were my best friend. And the best part of my life. You made growing up wonderful.”
He didn’t know what to say. He refused to admit the same, even though it was true.
“I’ve often thought one of the reasons we were drawn together was that we each lost a parent at a vulnerable time in our lives,” she continued as if she hadn’t expected him to comment. “Your dad disappeared, my mom died.” She paused and frowned. “In fact they both happened in June, but a year apart. I never thought about that before.”
He hadn’t, either. For some reason that seemed significant. “We didn’t become friends for another couple of years,” he said. “We were both over it by then.”
“No,” she told him, moving to the cot and taking a seat. He saw that she’d left plenty of room for him, but he didn’t join her.
“I’m still not over my mom’s death,” she said. “I’m not saying I can’t function without her or that I haven’t moved on, but I still miss her. I think of her every Christmas and I always remember her birthday.” She smiled sadly. “I wanted her to see Shane when he was born and to be around to call when life got really scary. Suzanne’s been great and I’m lucky to have had her in my life, but she’ll never be my mother.”
“Yeah, well, I got over my dad running off.” He crossed to the small, cracked window and stared out at the land that had belonged to his family for generations. He didn’t understand women’s desire to poke at the past. Some things were better left buried.
“It sounds good, Jack, but no one believes you. Least of all me. You can’t tell me you don’t still miss him from time to time.”
He turned to face her. She looked at him with the same innocence she’d shown at thirteen. All trusting and open, like a puppy who adored everyone. He reminded himself that she’d been the only one to provide him a safe haven. After his father had left, he’d been ashamed. He’d continued to do well in school and sports just to show the world it didn’t matter, but in his heart he’d felt hollow and small.
What kind of man walked out on his family with only a few scribbled lines of explanation? After Russell had disappeared, Jack had felt the stares, heard the questions. He’d seen people watching him, wondering how much of his father he had in him. But Katie had never done that. Around her he’d always been able to be himself. Even when they didn’t agree with each other, they’d been honest.
“Sometimes,” he said at last, “I think about him. I wonder what he’s doing or where he is. Sometimes I wonder if he’s still alive.”
“Do you want to find him?”
“No.” Jack spoke without hesitation. “Why would I want to be around a man who could do what he did?”
“Maybe he had a good reason.”
“There is no good reason. He got tired of being responsible, so he left.”
“Maybe it’s-”
He took a step toward her and shook his head. “You can’t make him innocent in all this, Katie. He left. He came back a couple of months later for a single night, got my mom pregnant, then left again. No one has heard from him since. He’s not someone I want in my life.”
She drew in a deep breath. “You’re right. I’m sorry.”
Sunlight illuminated her face. He saw the differences he’d noticed when they’d first met in town. The refining of bone and muscles that had changed a pretty girl into a beautiful woman. Just that morning he’d been close enough to know that she still smelled as sweet as ever. A few days before he’d kissed her and had tasted her heat. They’d always cared about each other and they’d always had fire burning between them. It had been a dangerous combination when they’d been young-it was lethal now.
“Are you really mad about your dad or are you using your temper to keep me at a safe distance?” she asked.
He stared at her. “You don’t believe in polite questions, do you?”
“Why start now?” She gave him a quick smile. “If I got all nice and well-mannered you might think I’d been taken over by aliens.”
He crossed the room and sat on the cot. They were close but not touching. He leaned forward and rested his forearms on his thighs, clasping his hands together between his knees.
“What do you want from me?” he asked.
“I want to know what you’re afraid of.”
You, he thought but didn’t speak the word. He was afraid of Katie and how she made him feel. That he might believe it was all right to try again, when he knew it wasn’t. He was afraid of the past. He wanted to resist the tug of all those yesterdays, but they pulled him under. Fighting the riptide wasn’t the answer. He just got tired and ended up being sucked under anyway.
“I’ve spent the past few years trying not to feel anything,” he said, speaking the absolute truth. “I like my life. I don’t want any changes.”
“You have to feel something, otherwise you’re not alive.”
Dead didn’t sound so bad right now. Or at least numb. Anything but the heat building inside him. Just sitting next to her was enough to make his blood race and pool. Passions were usually easily controlled, or at the very least directed toward safe partners. But there was nothing safe about Katie.
He’d only been in love twice in his life. First with Katie and then with Melissa, his wife. Both women had left him. Either he was pretty easy to fall out of love with or they’d never cared in the first place. He didn’t know which and he wasn’t sure it mattered. The results were the same.
“This was my refuge,” he said, looking around the shack. “Then you were gone and I couldn’t come back here anymore.”
She put her hand on his back. “I’m sorry.”
Her touch burned, but he endured the pain because-He swore silently. Damn if he knew why. Maybe because she was Katie and hell with her was a whole lot better than heaven with anyone else.
“Don’t be sorry,” he said, staring at the ground so she couldn’t read anything in his eyes. “I was busy running the ranch.”
She sighed. “I’d forgotten. Your foreman was waiting to retire. He stayed until you graduated from high school and then moved away. Somewhere west, wasn’t it?”
“Yeah. Arizona.” Jack grimaced. Old Bill Smith had stayed on longer than he’d wanted because he believed Jack should finish high school before taking over the Darby ranch. Jack had been grateful and resentful. He’d appreciated the time and hated the responsibility.
Her fingers slipped off his back, then he felt a slight weight against his shoulder. He glanced over and saw Katie leaning her head against him.
“That’s why you were so withdrawn that last year before I left,” she said. “You were swamped with responsibilities and details. But I should have known that. I should have understood. Why was I so angry?”
