She slumped back down on the couch. Her tiredness squeezed into a small lump of anxiety just beneath her breastbone. She had difficulty breathing. The curtain in front of the open window rose and billowed into the room, then sank back down again. Annika noticed that the floor next to the window was getting wet and got up to wipe it dry.
The building's going to be renovated, she suddenly thought to herself. It doesn't matter. It's pointless. Nobody cares if the floor is ruined. Why make the effort?
The realization that this was somehow emblematic of her own situation filled her with oceans of self-pity. She sank back down on the couch. She pulled her knees up to her chin and rocked back and forth crying. She was clutching her arms so tightly round her legs that they ached.
It's all over, she thought. Where can I go? Who'll help me now?
The realization, clear as crystal, hit her.
Grandma.
She dialed the number and with closed eyes prayed that her grandmother would be in her apartment and not out at Lyckebo.
'Sofia Hallstrom,' the old woman answered.
'Oh, Grandma!' Annika was crying.
'Dearest little girl, what's wrong?'
The woman sounded so frightened that Annika forced herself to stop crying. 'I feel so lonely and miserable.'
Her grandmother sighed. 'Life's like that. Sometimes it really is a struggle. The main thing is to not give up. Do you hear that?'
'But what's the point?' Annika said, on the verge of breaking out in tears again.
The old woman's voice sounded a bit tired. 'Loneliness is difficult. People can't manage without their tribe. You've been expelled from the set you wanted to belong to, it's cut the ground from under your feet. No wonder, Annika. It would be stranger if you were all right. Allow yourself to feel bad and you can take care of yourself.'
Annika wiped her face with the back of her hand. 'I just want to die.'
'I know, but you won't. You're going to live so that you can put me in the earth when that day comes.'
'What are you saying?' Annika whispered down the phone. 'Are you ill? You mustn't ever die!'
The woman chuckled. 'No, I'm not ill, but we're all going to die. And you're going to take care of yourself and not do anything rash, my dear. Take it easy and allow the pain to come to you. You can outrun it for a while, but it will always catch up to you. Let it wash over you, feel it, live it. You won't die. You'll survive, and when you come out on the other side, you'll be a stronger person. Older and wiser.'
Annika smiled. 'Like you, Grandma.'
The woman laughed. 'Have a cup of cocoa, Annika. Curl up on the couch and watch one of those TV shows, that's what I do when things feel difficult. Put a rug over your legs, you have to be warm and comfy. Everything will be all right, you'll see.'
They fell silent and Annika realized how selfish she was being.
'How are things with you?' she asked quickly.
'Well, it's been raining every day since you left. I only came here to do some shopping and do the washing, so you were lucky to catch me.'
There is a God, Annika thought.
'I've talked to Ingegerd and she tells me Harpsund has been very busy,' her grandmother said in her gossipy tone of voice.
Annika smiled. 'And how's the prime minister's slimming plan coming along?'
'Not at all, it's been postponed indefinitely. Others have been there who've been a lot less hungry.'
Her grandmother's gossip with the new housekeeper at Harpsund didn't really interest Annika, but she wanted to be polite. 'Oh, who's that then?'
'The minister that resigned, Christer Lundgren. He arrived the day before it was announced and stayed for a week. Every journalist in the country was looking for him, but no one found him.'
Annika laughed. 'The things you know! You've been at the center of things, haven't you!'
They both laughed and Annika could feel the lump in her chest slowly dissolving and trickling away.
'Thanks, Grandma,' she said in a low voice.
'Just come here to me if things get too difficult. Whiskas misses you.'
'He does not. Not the way you spoil him. Give him a big kiss from me.'
The warmth that came when she thought of her grandmother lingered after they hung up; still, the tears began trickling down again- sad but not desperate, heavy yet lighter.
When the phone rang again, the shrill signal made her jump.
'So you're back? Jesus, you've been gone for a long time. How was it?'
Annika wiped her face with the back of her hand. 'It was great. Turkey is amazing.'
'Glad to hear it,' Anne Snapphane said. 'Maybe I should go. What's the medical service like?'
Annika couldn't hold back her laughter, it just bubbled up and over before she had time to think. 'They've got special clinics for hypochondriacs. X-ray treatment for breakfast, Prozac with your lunch, and antibiotics for dinner.'
'Sounds good, but what's the radon emanation in the buildings like? Where did you end up?'
Annika laughed again. 'In a half-built resort ten miles outside of Alanya, full of Germans. I went up to Istanbul and stayed with a woman I met on the bus and worked for a week in her hotel. Then I moved on to Ankara, which is a lot more modern.' A peaceful feeling spread over her body, making her legs feel soft and relaxed.
'Where did you stay?'
'I arrived late at night and the bus station was pretty chaotic. I just jumped into the first taxi I saw and said, 'Hotel International.' And there was one, with really nice staff.'
'And you stayed in a suite even though you only paid for a single room?'
'How did you know?'
Anne laughed. 'You were born lucky. You know that.'
They both laughed. They had a real affinity. The silence that followed was warm and light.
'Have you left yet?' Annika wondered.
'Yep, I quit yesterday. My TV job starts on the twelfth with some kind of fall kickoff. What about you, what are you going to do?'
Annika heaved a sigh. The lump became tangible again. 'I don't know, I haven't got that far yet. I could always work in the hotel in Istanbul.'
'Come with me to Pitea. I'm flying up this afternoon.'
'No thanks, I've spent the last twenty-four hours in planes.'
'So you're used to it then. Come with me! Have you ever been north of the Klar River?'
'I haven't even unpacked.'
'Even better. My parents have a huge house in Pitholm, so there's plenty of room for you. And you could always go back home tomorrow if you want to.'
Annika looked at the depressing heap of wet clothes and made her mind up. 'So there are seats available?'
After hanging up, Annika rushed to her bedroom, found her old work carryall, and threw in two pairs of panties and a T-shirt. She picked up her toilet bag from the living-room floor.
Before she went to meet Anne on Kungsholms Square, she got a rag and wiped the floor under the window.
Disappointed, Annika looked around. 'Where are the mountains?'
'Don't be such a Stockholmer,' Anne told her. 'We're on the coast. The Riviera of the North. Come on, the airport taxis are over there.'
The crossed the tarmac surrounding Kallax Airport. Annika's eyes took in the surroundings- mostly fir trees, flat land. The sky was almost clear and the sun was shining. It was quite cold, at least for someone just back from
