of us. They could have a ceremony to honour us. Too bad it was going to be posthumous.
‘This way!’ I yelled at Lee. He seemed to be realising the problem at the same time because he was slowing down and looking kind of doubtful. I swung left, ran ten metres at the most, then it was my turn to drop to one knee and raise my rifle. God, my father, Mr Young, forgive me for what I am about to do. As a farmer, this was the worst moment of my career. This was the absolute pits.
It’s impossible to hit a fox when he’s running and you’re out of breath and shaking from the hunt. It’s probably impossible to hit a human being in the same circumstances, although I haven’t had a lot of practice. But it’s all too easy to shoot a couple of steers, especially when they’re standing still and watching you with the gravest suspicion. I got them both through the head and they both dropped pretty much straightaway. The first one fell on his front knees and stayed there for a moment, then slowly rolled over to his left side. The second fell to his side, again to the left. The other cattle bolted.
We sprinted for the nearest dead one. Turned out when we got there that he wasn’t dead, but equally he wasn’t going anywhere. We got there just in time though, as the shooting from the trees started up when we were still a dozen steps away. I don’t think I took those dozen steps, I think I flew them. I seem to remember a long dive that brought me thudding into the heaving side of the dying steer.
God, sometimes you get emotional overload. I lay there feeling (a) terror from being shot at; (b) fury at these guys and a mad desire to kill them; (c)horror at the terrible gasping of the beast who sheltered me, along with; (d) guilt that I’d just shot two beautiful healthy cattle; and (e) thankfulness that I was with Lee, because he and Homer were about the only two people I knew who could help me get out of this alive. If there’d been time I would have had a few feelings about Gavin too, but for this brief period he was completely out of my mind.
‘Barbequed beef for tea tonight,’ Lee said, panting. I immediately added another emotion to my list: hatred of Lee. We were down to (f) now.
‘There won’t be any tea if we’re dead,’ I snarled back.
Half-a-dozen bullets smacked into the great beast and he died without another murmur. The impact of the bullets was frightening. Luckily these cattle were in good condition. A scrawny beast mightn’t have been much protection. Now he was just a carcass though, chopped up as though the world’s roughest butcher had hacked into him with a blunt axe. Chunks of flesh were scattered over a wide area. Lee had blood all down his front and, glancing down, I realised that I was in the same condition. Already a couple of flies were starting to appear.
‘What are we going to do now, genius?’ Lee asked. To be fair to him it wasn’t said in a bad way. He gave me a little crooked smile. I knew deep down that Lee respected the fact that I’d saved his skin a few times. Just as I respected the fact that he’d saved mine.
It was time for the brain to take over. Instinct might help as a back-up, but this was a job for the brain. ‘Why do you think I shot two beasts?’ I asked, but didn’t wait for an answer. The firing had stopped. I wondered if they were running low on ammunition. ‘Cover me,’ I said quickly to Lee and took off for the second of the cattle.
So close and yet so far away. It seemed like I was running and running and not getting anywhere. The breeze was in my face and the mountains seemed near enough to touch and the carcass of the second steer wasn’t getting any closer. I heard Lee’s gun pounding again and again as I ran forever across the paddock. Oh, I didn’t want to do this. The excitement was intense, yes, and I had become addicted to it, yes, and although I loved music and friends and peace, nothing beat the burning agony of mind and body that took me over when my life was on the line, but enough was enough and I wanted to be a human being again. You can’t be a human being in wartime.
A bullet screeched past me, the strange howling sound that resembles nothing else, and then another, even closer. I took another dive, into another dead or dying beast, and cuddled into its warm flanks. If I lived to a ripe old age a lot of animals were going to die, to feed and clothe me, or because I was driving a car, or because I hadn’t protected them from foxes or crows. But not many of them would die so directly at my hands as these two cattle.
I took a quick look at the grove of trees. Again the firing had stopped. I waved to Lee and fired a first shot to give him cover. An answering shot slammed into my steer so hard that the carcass rocked at its impact. But there were no more. I wondered again if they were running out of ammo. I didn’t have much more myself. As Lee left the shelter of the first beast I opened fire though. I had to. No good letting Lee get killed because I was saving ammo for some hypothetical situation later. I aimed at the places where I’d seen the little flashes of fire, not really expecting to hit anyone, but you never know your luck in a big paddock.
Lee arrived unscathed, but panting hard again. ‘What do you reckon?’ he asked between pants.
‘I reckon I haven’t got much ammo left.’
‘Me neither.’
In covering Lee I’d used up another magazine. Now, trying to stop my hands from trembling, I shoved the rest of my bullets in. I didn’t want them piled in there higgledy-piggledy, where they’d jam later.
‘We could aim for the far end of those trees and then do a bit of stalking,’ I said.
Lee licked his lips. ‘I don’t think there’s much point.’ Before I could say anything he added, ‘Looked at from a logical point of view. I mean, we’re trying to get Gavin back. We haven’t hurt them, just given them a fright, so if we quit the fight at this stage they shouldn’t have any hard feelings. They shouldn’t take it out on Gavin.’
‘But then what? We leave them wandering around the place to do what they want? I don’t want to go off to Havelock while these morons are running wherever they like on the property.’
‘We could call the cops in to round them up.’
‘Then we’ve got the same problem, that their mates will hear about it if they’re caught and Gavin could pay the price.’
It was such an urgent conversation and my brain wouldn’t work. I couldn’t think of a solution that would be perfect, and I only wanted perfection.
He said in that cold voice that can turn off sunshine and bring hail: ‘Well then, what we need is to kill them before they contact their base, so their friends never know what’s happened to them.’
It was more or less what we’d agreed back at the house, but somehow it sounded more chilling to hear it out here in the warm paddock, with the two men so close. They were real now, even if we knew nothing about them.
While I searched my mind for the right thing to say Lee suddenly stiffened. It was like a snake had bitten him or he had bull ants climbing his leg.
‘There they go,’ he said.
Sure enough the two men were haring across the paddock, going up the slight rise, heading for the boundary fence. I hadn’t expected that. They were probably low on ammo, but besides that, they might have been a bit spooked by having us chase them across the paddock. They could see that we were in a good position to attack them in their trees, and I suppose the relentlessness of our pursuit could be getting discombobulating. For all they knew we could have unlimited ammunition.
Without a word between us we did chase them. One thing that definitely happens in war situations is that you forget about the value of your life. I knew that feeling well by now. At those times someone in your head switches the brain right off. Yep, they walk up to that switch, the big one with the red warning sign saying Danger: do not touch, and they ignore the words and just pull the switch up and cut all the circuits. I charged across that field like I didn’t care whether I lived or died. And it wasn’t an illusion. I didn’t care. All sensible thoughts were gone, all memories were wiped clean, the future didn’t exist. At those times you can accept the possibility of your own death. When I see people who are grief-stricken because someone they know has died suddenly, I want to say this to them: ‘It’s not so bad for the people who die. When they see it coming and they’ve had no warning, they accept it. In the few moments that they have, they accept it. They give up everything, their obligations, their hopes, their fears, they give them all up without a fight. They tense their body and they take the blow and they don’t have room or time for anything else. They know it has to be and so all the fear leaves them. Believe me, I’ve seen enough people die. Believe me, I’ve been close to death enough times now. This is the way it is.’
The problem isn’t for them, it’s for the people left behind. They have time to think about it all. And they have imagination. I don’t think it’s always a good idea to have both time and imagination. Cos what you do then of course is go over and over what happened, reliving it a hundred or a thousand times, in slow motion, adding a soundtrack and an emotions track. The dead people can’t do that. They got it over and done with in a couple of seconds. You’re stuck with it for fifty years. Or more.
When I write all this down, it makes perfect sense. I just wish I could follow my own advice, especially when it comes to my parents and what happened to them. It’s easier with Robyn because I saw her face as it happened
