Foggy Mountain Breakdown and Other Stories

maybe I miss the old business a little bit, but I have my garden to tend to, and my collection of books. It’s terrific to finally have time to read anything I want, and not have to cram in a chapter here and there on a plane or waiting around for my next appointment. My copy of Freelance Murder just arrived in the mail from Murder By the Book, and that will be my evening’s entertainment. So, Ms. Gunsel, I want to thank you for being the highlight of my “golden years.” I’m enjoying my armchair adventures with the intrepid Cass Cairncross. Keep ’em coming!

Sincerely yours,

Monty Vincent

Laurie Gunsel

Mr. Monty Vincent

367 Calabria Road

Passaic, New Jersey 07055

Dear Mr. Vincent:

You’ve already got Freelance Murder? They haven’t even sent me my author’s copies yet! That was quick work on your part. At least I know it’s out in stores now. Can the autographings be far behind? Which reminds me: since you’re spending your hard-earned pension buying my books and keeping Diesel in catfood with my royalties, wouldn’t you like to have your copies signed? I wouldn’t mind at all, really. All you do is put the books in a mailer, and enclose another stamped mailer in with them, and I’ll sign the books and ship them right back to you. Book collectors tell me they’re more valuable if I just sign and date them, but if you want them personalized to you (or the grandchildren?), I’d be happy to.

Thanks for pointing out my mistake with the Kevlar vest. I guess I took the term bulletproof a little too literally. Actually, I’m kind of shy about asking the local police to proof my work, because the ones I know were his buddies. You know how cops and lawyers stick together. (I hope I didn’t just offend you. You sound knowledgeable enough to be a retired policeman. Just put me down as a victim of a legal shark attack.) I suppose I ought to find a new source somewhere like downtown Atlanta, especially since I need some technical advice for the new plot. I need to know how my professional hit man can smuggle his.44 Magnum onto an airplane. I would call the airport and ask, but it would probably make them nervous.

Since you’re one of Cass’s most faithful friends, I thought I’d let you know that she appears in a short story in this month’s issue of Criminal Minds, which should be on newsstands about now. It’s called “Better Never.”

Thanks again for your encouragement!

Sincerely,

Laurie Gunsel

P.O. Box 97184

Peachtree City, GA 30269

367 Calabria Road

Passaic, New Jersey 07055

Dear Ms. Gunsel:

Thank you for your kind offer to sign my collection of eight Cass Cairncross first editions. I am speechless with joy. Also, I am shamelessly taking you up on it. A package of books should arrive shortly, along with return postage and a self-addressed sticker for you to put on the box and mail back. Please inscribe them to Monty. In case you are busy with your latest masterpiece, I want you to know that there is no hurry in doing me this favor. I know the books are safe with you. I’ve already read them, so don’t waste a minute of your writing time on this chore.

Thanks for the tip about the new Cass story in Criminal Minds. Most enjoyable. Such description! When Cass Cairncross breaks into Hepler’s room to search for the documents, and finds that he has been shot in the head while sleeping, I was afraid that the shooter would come tippytoeing out of the bathroom and get her next. This can happen. But then I tell myself: Laurie Gunsel is in charge here, and she is not going to shoot the hand that feeds her, and, sure enough, all is well. Interesting that you said Hepler’s cheek felt like warm leather to Cass’s touch, when she checked to see if he was really dead. I’ve always thought that deceased personages felt like a package of plastic-wrapped meat like you get at the deli. But your description is more elegant. I suppose Cass was too delicate to mention the smell. She couldn’t miss it. And I was a little surprised to hear that there was a spatter pattern of blood on the wall by the bed. Surely if the individual is lying down, you would put the barrel just above his ear and aim downward. Shooting your mark in the temple is messy, no question about that, but people have been known to recover. You want to take out as much of the braincase as possible with one slug so as to guarantee a clean kill. Of course, as I recall, the murderer was the blackmailed Unitarian minister, so maybe he didn’t know from forensic medicine. He probably wouldn’t know all that technical stuff. Anyway, it was a great yarn, and you fooled me completely. I especially liked the neat touch of the shooter’s having put a roll of toilet paper under Hepler’s chin and unrolling it to make a necktie-to show his opinion of the deceased. A nice bit of symbolism, which was not lost on yours truly.

Speaking of technical difficulties, your letter mentioned that you had a dilemma in your current project.-What’s this one called? I’ll put my name on the waiting list at the bookstore.-Can I be so bold as to make a suggestion about this gun and airplane problem? (I don’t want your next book delayed because the FAA has you locked away as a suspected terrorist.) You did say that the individual in question was a pro this time, I believe. (I’ll try to forget these details when I purchase the book. I want to figure it out fair and square with no advance warnings.) Probably the guy would pack his weapon in his checked luggage, dismantled and-it goes without saying-unloaded. This is a legal and therefore hassle-free mode of transport, but perhaps that lacks the necessary drama for the plot. Or maybe the guy doesn’t trust the airline to get his bags and him to the same destination-a very wise concern in my experience. So he has to have the thing in carry-on or concealed about his person.

Let me recommend that you not make the weapon a 44 Magnum, since, with all due respect to the brilliant Mr. Eastwood, this is not what a gentleman in the sanction business would use professionally. There are some very nice firearms out now that are made of space-age polymers-the 9mm. Glock is very good-that can perform adequately in the field and still not be unduly ostentatious. This piece, dismantled in carry-on baggage, should make it through airport security, as the polymer parts of the pistol will not register on the metal detector, and the metal parts can be concealed in, say, a false-bottomed can of shaving cream. Not that I am trying to write your book. I’m happy to be just reading them. (Dare I hope that this mythical hit man will be dispatched to off a “pretentious dresser with prominent ears,” who is maybe also a lawyer?)

Of course, by the time you receive this you will probably have figured out your own brilliant solution to the airport problem. I have great faith in your inventive abilities. Just don’t try sneaking a rod on your next flight for research. They have no sense of humor, these bureaucrats.

I hope all is well with you in sunny Georgia. My garden is doing well despite the dry spell, as my water bill will no doubt show at the end of the month. I’m putting in chrysanthemums to try to keep summer around for a few more weeks. And if you should find yourself in need of zucchini, seek no further. I am begging people to take it.

Again, my deepest thanks for your generosity in autographing my favorite works of literature. It was a gracious gesture. I owe you one, Ms. Gunsel.

With gratitude and best wishes,

Monty

Laurie Gunsel

Mr. Monty Vincent

367 Calabria Road

Passaic, New Jersey 07055

Dear Monty,

Signing your books was no trouble at all. Really. I still get a kick out of seeing my name on the title page. Anyhow, they’re all inscribed To Monty, as you requested, and they’re on their way back to you in New Jersey. Incidentally, I insured the package for you. My treat. Actually, I didn’t want to worry about the whereabouts of those books, considering their cumulative value. I trust the post office like you trust the airlines! I don’t mean to brag, but just for your information as an investor, that first Cass Cairncross book, Dead