“I'm an only child.”
“Me too.”
“Did you want siblings?” she asks.
I shrug. “Not really. Growing up, Dad never stuck with one woman long enough for me to think about it. He dated a few women with kids, but I never really liked any of them—the kids, I mean. They were always messing with my stuff and I didn't like that. I'm not a slob,” I say. “I sort of like things neat and organized.”
“It doesn't surprise me. I see it in your handwriting in the work you turn in.”
“You do?”
She pats my arm. “Don't panic. It's a good thing. I took some handwriting-analysis courses in college. It's been helpful to me in my classrooms.”
“But what do you see in me?”
“I see that you're smart and sensitive and older than your years.”
I like hearing this part. I want her to think of me as mature, not some dumb kid hanging on her every word. “Dad's pressuring me to start looking at colleges. I've been thinking about it. Where I want to go. Out of state or not.”
“I paid my own way through college,” she volunteers.
“Were you poor?”
“No. But I didn't want anything from my father.”
Her mouth is in a hard line whenever she mentions her parents.
“I like my dad well enough,” I say.
“He's a good father. Mine wasn't.”
“Your mother?”
“Not a very good one either.”
I want to know more, but start to think I shouldn't be prying. I don't want her to tune me out, drop me. At some point, when we talk, we start holding hands. I like the way it feels. I like the way she makes me feel. It's hard for me not to tell her that. Harder and harder for me to keep from touching her. I like watching her face when we talk, and the way her body sways when a jazz group plays music, and the sound of her voice tickling my ear when she leans over to whisper to me. It takes all my willpower to get out of her car after being with her all evening. To go home alone and go to bed with my head all around her and my body on fire.
I've taken so many cold showers that my skin's started to wrinkle and my balls have shriveled. I wash my sheets a lot because of Lori. There's no way I can wash my mind of her.
Honey
I open our front door when the bell rings unexpectedly and stare out at Ryan. He's grinning like a fool, as if popping over on a Saturday morning were a regular habit instead of a sometime thing. As if we're friends again instead of strangers. “Selling magazine subscriptions?” I ask. Sure, my heart's in my throat because he's shown up without warning, but I'm mad at him because he's been too “busy” to hang with me for over a month.
“It's freezing out here. Can I come in?”
“Knock yourself out.” I walk away and he follows.
“Hey, what's your problem?”
I head down to our walk-out basement, which my parents let me take over when friends come, before I say a word to him. “You haven't been around very much,” I tell him.
“I'm here now.”
I'd love to lay into him, but I don't want him to leave, either. “What's the occasion?”
“Just thought I'd say hi. When did I ever need a reason?”
“I guess you don't,” I say, backing down from a fight. Just seeing him makes my knees weak. “Joel and Jess are coming over. Joel has a DVD copy of some concert for us to watch. And Jess made brownies. Want to stay?”
He shoves his hands into the pockets of his jeans and rocks back and forth in his boots. “Am I welcome?”
Before I can answer, my kid brother comes barreling down the stairs. His face lights up when he sees Ryan, and Ryan waves. Cory comes over, impulsively hugs Ryan. No one can ever predict how Cory is going to act, and today he's excited to see Ryan. I envy his escape into Ryan's arms. By the time Joel and Jess arrive, Cory and Ryan are tossing a ball to each other.
“Hey, man.” Joel looks surprised to see Ryan. “Didn't know you were going to be here.”
“He just showed,” I explain.
Jess gives me an “are you keeping secrets from me?” look and I shake my head. No way.
“Can't I hang with old friends without them freaking?” Ryan asks. He's sounding irritated.
“It's just been a while,” Joel says. “Where have you been? What's been going on?”
I'm glad he's asking and not me.
“Well, I'm here now. How about that DVD? Is it worth watching?”
Distraction. Split the offense. Answer a question with another question. I've seen Ryan use the technique before.
Joel reaches inside his jacket and pulls out a shiny disk. “Bootleg copy, so the quality isn't great, but it's still good.”
I send Cory upstairs and he goes without a peep, and we all snuggle into the beat-up sofa and watch the DVD. I'm next to Ryan and his body heat makes it hard to concentrate on the grainy video. He smells good too, like cinnamon and warm sugar and sandalwood. A man-made male scent that smells grown-up and sophisticated.
When the DVD is over, we talk about the group and their music, then about school. It's Joel who says, “So have you heard if Lori Settles has said yes to Coach Mathers yet?”
“Yes to what?” Ryan is twirling a small cushion between his hands. He stops cold.
“Where have you been? It's all over the locker room. Old Mathers has been asking her out. The poor horny guy.”
“She should go,” Jess says.
“Why should she?” Ryan asks. He's sitting straighter and his eyes look wary, but no one has noticed except me, because I notice everything about Ryan.
“To give the old guy a thrill?” Joel says. “He really has the hots for her. Don't you notice the way he looks at her?”
“He gets all red in the face if she just walks past,” I say. Mathers is the girls' basketball coach. I like the man, but he's under Ms. Settles' spell totally. “He all but drools if they're in the cafeteria together.”
Jess sighs and flops backward. “Is she all you guys talk about in the locker room?”
Joel covers Jess's ears and winks. “I can't say what we talk about where she's involved. Too crude for your sweet ears.”
Ryan stands. “Listen, I got some things to do before Dad gets home.”
“I thought he was off the road.”
“He got held over in Chicago. He'll be back tomorrow afternoon.”
I follow Ryan up the stairs, wishing he would stay. “You want to come over for dinner? I know Mom and Dad would like to see you. And Mom never minds when you eat with us. It's been a long time.”
At the front door, Ryan turns. “Rain check.” He blesses me with a melting smile. “See you in school.”
I watch him hurry away, and wish with all my heart that I didn't love him so much. And that for once, just once, he'd look at me the way Coach Mathers looks at Lori Settles.
Ryan
“Are you dating Coach? How many times have you gone out with him?” We're sitting in Lori's car, in the rain, in front of her apartment. As soon as I left Honey's, I called her, said I had to see her, took a bus to her
