What have I done? The world has exploded and it's my fault. Lori Settles is in jail. Ryan's under house arrest and then who knows what will happen to him? Reporters are crawling all over the place, and no one at school can talk about anything except Ryan and Settles and their affair. My parents won't allow me to talk to anyone except Jess and Taylor, and I don't want to talk to them because they'd ask too many questions—“Did you know? Who blew their cover? How long do you think Ryan's been doing Lori? Are you sure you're clueless about this?” With the push of a computer key, I created this tornado of badness. I sent the e-mail folder I copied from Ryan's computer to Mrs. Dexter and now life as I once knew it is over.
I insist I don't know anything, but inside I'm dying. Joel swears he didn't know about it either, and I'm sure that's true. Ryan was the perfect liar. He hid everything from us in plain sight. While we went to school games and pep rallies and giggled in the halls, Ryan went to bed with Lori, a woman seventeen years older than him. While I sat on the sidelines of his life—wishing, longing, praying for him to be with me—he was meeting Lori secretly. I wanted him so much—me, Honey, the unlovely one, the gal-pal from elementary school, the girl down the street, the one who loved him from afar but could never have him.
I hate him now. As much as I once loved him, I now hate him. Swear to God.
Mom's been grilling me. “Did Ryan ever try anything with you?”
“Never,” I say. Imagine if she knew that I'd raided his room and turned him in. “Never,” I repeat.
“Because if he did, I want to know, Honey. You don't have to protect him.”
“I'm not protecting him. We've only been friends.”
“Some friend. Actually, your father and I don't truly blame him. He's a horny teenage boy, and boys will take whatever they can get. That vile Lori woman was willing to take his innocence. That's who we blame. I get the shivers just thinking about how she took advantage of Ryan.”
“I think he liked it, Mom.”
She makes a face. “Disgusting. Of course he liked it. But the newspeople say that Ryan wasn't her first victim. There was another boy, back in Chicago where she taught before coming to McAllister. He was only fourteen and his parents didn't want it dragged through the media.”
I've seen all the newscasts, read every newspaper story, and there was no hard evidence against Lori and the other boy, just rumors. The boy denied it and so did she. “No proof, Mom,” I say. “Just hearsay.” Not like the proof the authorities have on her and Ryan, I remind myself.
“More of a shame. The files were closed and poor Mrs. Dexter had no clue she was hiring a predator.” I hide behind a magazine when she adds, “I wonder who blew the whistle this time? Whoever it was deserves a medal.” Mom shakes her head with a dramatic sigh. “The pity is that this Lori creature will get a fancy lawyer and be out in no time. That's my prediction.”
I wake up from a deep sleep to the sound of someone calling my name from outside our walk-in basement's patio doors. It's very late on a Saturday night and I've fallen asleep on the sofa watching a movie. I sit up and turn toward the sound and see Ryan through the glass. My heart jumps into my throat.
Ryan says, “Let me in.”
“Go away.”
“I'm not leaving until we talk.”
“I'm getting my father.” I make a move toward the stairs.
“No. You're going to talk to me because I know what you did.”
I freeze.
“Please,” he says.
I loathe myself, but I go to the sliding doors and open one and he steps into the room. I close the door after him. Even now, my heart is pounding and a part of me is so glad to see him. Then all the memories, all his dirty e- mails and my lewd imaginary pictures of him with Lori doing the nasty, slam into my brain. “What do you want?”
“I want to know why you went to Dexter.”
I immediately search for a way to deny I was the one, but I know he won't believe me. I want to hurt him the way he's hurt me. “Because what the two of you were doing was wrong! Because you're a dirty liar and you let her use you!”
“We weren't hurting anybody. It was private, just between me and Lori.”
“You're sixteen, Ryan.”
“And we don't know any sixteen-year-olds doing the deed, hooking up and humping in parked cars? Come on!”
“But they're doing it with kids their age.”
“And so that's okay? If I'd picked some other high school girl, then it would be all right in your book?”
None of this is coming out the way I want it to. “You shouldn't be having sex at all. And never with a teacher. Why don't you get it? Lori used you.”
“I didn't feel used. She made me feel good.”
“Haven't you been listening to the news reports? All the psychologists they've interviewed? She's damaged you.”
He looks disgusted. “Give me a break. Why do I care about a bunch of shrinks' opinions? They're idiots. Everyone wants me to think what Lori and I did was wrong. I don't buy that. Sex feels great. Maybe you should give it a try.”
His words hit me like rocks. “I'm not some slut.”
His face goes red. “Lori didn't force me. I wanted her.”
“So you think that makes it okay? Just because she made you feel good, it was all right? What if it was some male coach at our school doing a girl on a team he controlled? What if he told her she couldn't play unless she put out for him?”
His expression clouds. “That's not the same thing. Lori didn't threaten me. I did it because I wanted to.”
“She seduced you, Ryan. She took control of your life and made you do whatever she wanted you to do—cut you off from your friends, made your grades take a nosedive, told you how to spend your time. She turned you into a sneak and a liar. She molded you into what she wanted, not what you wanted.”
I see by his face that I've hit home. How could he be so blind to the damage his relationship with Lori did him?
He shakes his head as if to clear it of my arguments. He asks me, “How did you put it together? Where did I slip up?”
“The necklace,” I tell him. “I'd seen it in your room and then it was around her neck at the dance. I knew you'd given it to her because it was so unusual and she said it had been a present from a friend. The more I thought about it, the more convinced I became the two of you were… together.”
He nods. “Yeah, I see how you figured it out. Course, if you hadn't been snooping in my room, you'd never have seen the necklace.”
I go hot all over. “I didn't do it on purpose. The box was there in plain view and I opened it.”
“I thought you were my friend. I can hardly believe it was you. Hard to believe that you actually searched my computer on purpose.”
I hold my head high and look him in the eye. “Yes, I did.”
“And then you turned me in. Why did you have to turn us in? I wanted this to happen. I never wanted anything else. The minute I saw Lori, I knew I wanted to be with her. You think it was all her fault. You have no idea. You know nothing about us. Who assigned you to the morality police squad?”
“You were my friend and she was the black widow spider. She was screwing with your head and your life. I don't understand why you don't get that.”
He studies me for a minute. His face grows misty because I'm seeing him through a haze of tears. Finally he says, “What do you know, anyway? Well, you don't have to ‘protect’ me. You never had to. Lori's in jail under suicide watch and I'm not your friend anymore. And you sure as hell aren't mine. Next time you meddle in somebody's life, remember that you leave wreckage behind. You should have minded your own business.”
“I couldn't do that with you.”
“And why was that, Ms. Goody-goody?”
Because what you did is wrong. Because you kissed me. Because I loved you. Because you broke my heart. “Because I just couldn't.”
