good.”
“You bastard. I asked you not to cash it for ten days.”
“I didn’t try to cash it, Mr. Fletcher. However, I did take the precaution of making an inquiry at the bank. You don’t even have an account in that bank, Mr. Fletcher.”
“What?”
“You do not now, you never have had an account in the Merchants Bank. Not a checking account, not a savings account. Nothing.”
“Nice of you to tell me.”
“Where did you get that check, Mr. Fletcher?”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you. I was clearing my throat.”
“It doesn’t matter. What does matter is that I warned you when we met in your office last Friday that if you didn’t play straight with us from now on, I would lower the boom on you. I would bring you back to court. You have provided me with ample opportunity for doing precisely that.”
“Mr. Gillett—”
“You listen to me. This morning I have gone into court and seen to it that contempt charges are filed against you. A subpoena ordering you to appear in court Friday morning at ten o’clock will arrive within minutes.”
“No.”
“What do you mean, ‘No’?”
“I can’t be there Friday morning.”
“Why not?”
“I’ve already been subpoenaed to appear in court Friday morning at ten o’clock to answer contempt charges for not paying alimony to my first wife, Barbara.”
“Mr. Fletcher, I can’t care about that.”
“Well, I can’t be in two places at the same time.”
“At least we know Friday morning you will not be before a justice of the peace getting married again.”
“Anyway, Friday morning at ten o’clock I’m also supposed to be in the marine commandant’s office receiving a Bronze Star.”
“Really, Mr. Fletcher. I’ve had enough of your stories.”
“It’s true. If I don’t pick up the damned Bronze Star, I’ll get fired. Then where will all my wives be?”
“They’ll still be in court, Mr. Fletcher, hopefully represented by able attorneys.”
“Jesus.”
“What’s more, Mr. Fletcher, in further implementation of my threat to lower the boom on you, this morning I also filed criminal charges against you for fraud.”
“Fraud?”
“Fraud, Mr. Fletcher. It is against the law, Mr. Fletcher, to present checks against bank accounts that don’t exist.”
“How can you do this to me?”
“I’m obliged to. As an attorney practicing law in the state of California, I am an officer of the court, and I would be derelict in my duty to know that a crime has been committed without reporting it to the authorities.”
“You reported me. Criminal charges.”
“I was obliged to, Mr. Fletcher.”
“You just bit the hand that feeds you. How can I support my ex-wives if I’m in jail?”
“I have bitten the hand which has refused to feed us. You haven’t yet supported your ex-wives.”
“Mr. Gillett.”
“Yes, Mr. Fletcher?”
“I wonder if you and I might not meet in some quiet, out-of-the-way place, a bar, or take a ride in the country, spend a night or two…”
“Are you serious?”
“Of course I’m serious.”
“I think that’s a delightful idea. I don’t know how you guessed, but I am rather attracted to you, Mr. Fletcher. But I really think we had better put these legal matters behind us first, don’t you?”
“I was thinking this might be a very good way of putting our legal matters behind us.”
“Your legal problems, Mr. Fletcher, are between you and your wives. And now, of course, a criminal court. Any relationship you and I might have should have nothing to do with your legal matters.”
“Are you sure?”
“Mr. Fletcher. Are you pulling my leg?”
“That’s what I’m pulling. Yes.”
Gillett breathed three times before speaking again.
“Mr. Fletcher, I don’t know whether you are a very, very cruel boy, or just thoroughly confused. I would prefer to think the latter. I am a member of the Anglican faith. If you are confused, I would be extremely pleased to continue our relationship more affectionately at some future time. For the moment, however, I advise you that a subpoena to face contempt of court charges Friday morning is immediately forthcoming. And I also advise you that criminal charges for fraud have been filed against you, and, although I am not your attorney, I would suggest to you that you present yourself at the main police station this afternoon, identify yourself, and allow yourself to be arrested. This should permit you to be out on bail in time for your other court appearances Friday morning.”
“Thank you very much, Mr. Gillett. See you in church.”
Fletch was chewing the second half of his first sandwich, feeling guilty about what he had done to Sandra Faulkner, when the phone rang again.
“Hello?”
“Fletch? This is Barbara.”
“Barbara, my first wife?”
“I’ve been calling you every half hour for days. I was hoping to talk to you before the subpoena arrived.”
“I’m having it for lunch.”
“I’m sorry about that, Fletcher.”
“Tut, tut, my dear. Think nothing of it. What’s a little contempt of court charge between old friends?”
“It’s the lawyers who are doing it, Fletch. They insist. They are real worried about the eight thousand dollars you owe me.”
“Is it that much?”
“Eight thousand four hundred twelve dollars.”
“Golly. I should have taken care of that. How careless of me.”
“It really isn’t my fault, Fletch. I mean the contempt of court thing. I didn’t do it.”
“Not to worry, Barbara. A little enough matter. Easy to straighten out. I’ll pop down to court Friday morning and straighten things out in a switch of a lamb’s tail.”
“You’re wonderful, Fletcher.”
“Tut tut.”
“I mean, it’s not the money I care about, or anything. I know how much you earn from the newspaper. You can’t afford it.”
“I understand precisely.”
“You do?”
“Certainly, Barbara.”
“Fletcher, I’m still in love with you.”
“I know. Isn’t it awful?”
“It’s been two years.”
“That long?”
“I never even see you around town anymore. I’ve put on weight.”
“You have?”
“I’ve been eating too much. I heard you got married again and divorced again.”
“Just a temporary defection from my one true love.”
“Really? Why did you get married again?”
