'Yeah.'
'Damn.'
I won't get the same opportunity I had with Lisa Reid.
'What do you want to do?'
'Let's meet with Atkins, find out everything we can about Rosemary Sonnenfeld, who she was and how she died. See if it takes us anywhere.'
'Think it will?'
I glance at my friend and shrug.
'It will take us somewhere. Hopefully that's somewhere helpful.'
He stares off and nods. I wonder if he hears it like I do, the hum ming in the stillness. Three newly dead, and more in the oven. My stomach is sour with worry and dismay, and I feel like cicadas are buzzing through my veins.
'ARE YOU COMING HOME TONIGHT?'
We're mid-flight and I'm on the plane's phone with Bonnie.
'I hope so, sweetheart. I miss you.'
'I miss you too, but I'm okay. If you need to work, I won't mind.'
'Thanks, babe. But I'm really going to try.'
A pause.
'Smoky?'
'Yes?'
'I know you're busy, but I want you to make some time to talk with me about something soon.'
My antennae go up. I can't remember Bonnie ever making a request like this. All kinds of things run through my head, good, bad, and banal. Mostly bad. I keep my voice calm.
'What's up, sweetheart?'
Another long pause, also uncharacteristic.
'Well, I've been thinking. You know I love Elaina. And I really did need to be homeschooled while I got better, but . . .'
'But?' I coax her.
She sighs, and it makes my heart hitch a bit. It's the sound of a little girl carrying a big weight. 'Well, I think it's time for me to go to a normal school. You know, with other kids and stuff.'
Now it's my turn to pause.
'Hm,' I manage.
'I'm not asking you to decide right now, Momma-Smoky. I just wanted you to know. That I want to talk about it.'
I clear my throat and force myself to sound reassuring and understanding.
'Sure, honey. Of course.'
'Okay. Thanks.' She sounds relieved.
Too relieved. What's she so worried about? Me? If so, not good. I continue with the whole reassuring and understanding thing, in spite of my inner turmoil. Some things you never forget how to do as a parent. Calm and smiling while it storms inside, no problem, like riding a bike.
'I'll talk to you later, babe. Too much.'
'Way too much,' she replies.
We spend a lot of time together, but we also spend a lot of time apart by virtue of what I do. We've developed an emotional shorthand that works wonders for us. 'Too much' is one of our phrases, the answer to the unspoken question, 'how much do I love you?' It was super sappy and absolutely appropriate. God, I love this girl.
' 'Bye, sweetheart,' I murmur.
' 'Bye.'
I hang up and stare out the small window, watching the clouds go by. I search for a level place inside myself, but I'm having trouble. Fear is my oldest friend and he's taken advantage of my unease to cuddle up close.
'Something wrong?' Alan asks, startling me from my reverie. I shrug. 'Bonnie. She wants to talk about going to public school.'
He raises both eyebrows in surprise.
'Wow.'
'Yeah, wow.'
'Scares you, huh?'
His eyes are gentle, patient, kind. Alan knows me pretty well, and a lot of that is because I trust him so much.
I sigh. 'It terrifies me. I mean, I understand. She's twelve. I knew I couldn't keep her inside a cocoon forever. But it scares me to think about her . . .
He nods. 'Understandable. She's been treated rough. So have you.'
'That's the problem. Every parent worries about sending their child out into the world. But not every parent has seen what I have. The possibilities aren't just theoretical for me.'
'Yeah.' He is silent for a moment. 'I love Bonnie, Smoky, you know that. Truth is, the idea scares me too. Not just for her--though that's the biggest part of it, of course--but also for Elaina, and for you. Bonnie is your second chance at being a mom, and probably Elaina's only chance to experience a little of what that's like. You and Elaina are the most important women in my life, and if something happened to Bonnie . . . I don't know. I don't think either of you would make it back from that.'
He smiles, rueful. 'But on the other hand, I'm happy about it. Because it means that that little girl really is okay.' He looks at me, his gaze intense. 'You understand? She's not afraid to venture out into the world again. That's
I smile at my friend. He hasn't taken away my fear, but he has tempered it, a little. Because what he's said is true. Bonnie was almost lost to the world after a visit from a monster. Her soul had been flickering out there on the edge of forever, a tiny candle in a rainstorm. The essence of her had nearly been snuffed out.
Now she was telling me that she was strong enough to want to start building a life with more than just me in it. It was terrifying, it might even make me a little bit jealous, but yes, it was also pretty cool.
'Thanks, Alan. That helps.'
'No problem. Just don't expect me to be all wise and understanding when she starts dating.'
I grin at him. 'Dating? There will be no dating going on.'
He grins back.
'Amen to that.'
12
SIMI VALLEY, LIKE MUCH OF VENTURA COUNTY, IS MUCH NICER than LA proper. It's younger, smaller, and safer. The 118 freeway connects Simi and the San Fernando Valley, but the drive between the two takes you through undeveloped country, rolling hills and minimountains. The easternmost side of Simi Valley is older, with homes that date back to the sixties. As in all things USA, the more west you go, the newer things are.
This is what California used to be, I think. Clean air, unending sun in the spring and summer, a horizon you could still see. Simi is a fair-sized city, but it lacks the congestion and traffic snarl that has been a staple of Los Angeles for many moons.
Traffic is annoying but not crippling and we arrive at the police station around 7:00 P.M.
'That must be Atkins,' Alan says.
I see a middle-aged man with a receding brunet hairline in the parking lot of the station, leaning up against his car. He's wearing a charcoal gray suit, not off the rack but not Armani either. He spots us and comes up to greet us as we park.
'You must be Agent Washington,' Atkins says to Alan, putting out his hand with a smile. 'No offense, but you're pretty hard to miss.'
'I get that a lot.'
