Abandoned

We’re riding home in the dark that’s never really “the dark” in Los Angeles. There’s too much ambient light from all the megawatts we throw around in this city for that. Darkness here comes in pools, little islands of blackness where the monsters hide and where all the bad things happen. Women get raped in the spaces where the streetlamps don’t reach; their bodies get left in the night shade of trees, with perhaps a naked foot poking out to be silvered by the moon.

Bonnie wasn’t a natural, but she did just fine. The loudness of shooting a handgun surprised her at first, which is a common reaction. Her eyes went wide and she nearly dropped it. She caught me watching and pulled herself together, determined to show no fear. One hundred rounds later, she was getting very comfortable with the whole process. Her fingers weren’t strong enough yet to load a full magazine, but that will come in time. Her accuracy was so-so. Jazz brought in a step stool for her to stand on, to make her more even with the target, and that helped.

She asked me to shoot a little before we left. I had brought my Glock with me, and I took it out of its case and obliged. She watched as the target disappeared to the end of the lane.

“You can really hit it that far out?” she asked.

“Uh-huh. Watch.”

I never think much about shooting, and I never have, not after my first thousand rounds or so. It’s something that comes best naturally, like walking or breathing. The more I think about it, the less accurate I become. I keep it instinctive now.

I like to draw and shoot, not as an Old West emulation but because that’s often the truth of things. I stood facing the target, heart rate slow, relaxed, hands at my sides. My right fingers danced in their dangle, getting ready. Then I pulled my weapon and fired, eight shots, not the full mag, rapid-fire.

“One shot per second on the range, please,” Jazz’s voice said, coming over the loudspeaker.

I gave Bonnie a wink and a grin. I pushed the button to bring the target forward and was satisfied at the tight grouping. All center mass.

“Wow!” Bonnie said, goggle-eyed. “Do you think I’ll ever be that good?”

“It’s possible. With practice.”

I’d shot a few more times, and then it had been time to leave. “That was fun, Mama-Smoky,” she says to me. “How often can we go?”

“Every other week, like I promised, as long as you keep your end of the deal. If I’m away, Tommy can take you too.”

“I want to practice a lot. It’s important.”

She lapses into silence, and I sneak a glance at her. The determination I see in her face, as it goes from shadow to light to shadow to light, is as uplifting as it is disturbing. It makes me question again my decision to help her walk on this path.

“She’ll walk it with you or without you,” Tommy had said to me. “With you is better, I think.”

I hope he’s right, but who knows? Bonnie catches me looking at her and gives me a big smile.

“Thanks for doing it. I know you’re really busy right now.”

“You get my time when I have it, honey, always. Even when the new baby comes.”

“I’m not worried.”

“That’s important to me, babe. I love you. I don’t want you ever thinking you’re second fiddle for me.”

“It’d be pretty selfish of me not to be happy you get to have another baby, Mama-Smoky. I know you love me. I love you too. Actually, I’m pretty excited about it.”

“You are?”

“I always wanted a younger brother or sister.”

“Me too,” I admit. “Which do you hope for more: a brother or a sister?”

“A brother,” she replies without hesitation.

“Me too.” I laugh. “I don’t know why.”

“Little boys are cute.”

“Let’s hope.”

She fiddles with her lower lip, thinking. “We’re turning into a real family now, aren’t we? You and Tommy are married, a baby on the way. Wow.”

Wow, indeed. I decide it’s time to spring my other surprise on her. “Honey, Tommy wanted me to ask you something.”

“What?”

“He’d like to formally adopt you. He’s been thinking about it for a while, now, but we needed to get married first.”

She stares at me, blinking. Once, twice, three times. “He … he wants to be my father?”

“Very much. But only if you’re comfortable with that.”

“Comfortable? Is he joking? That’d be awesome! I’ve never had a dad.”

Bonnie’s biological father was a flake. He’d left Annie in the lurch and died a few years later in a car accident.

“You tell him when we get home, then, honey. It’ll make him so happy.”

“Really? It will?”

I reach over and caress her chin with my hand. “Of course it will. He’s never been a dad either.”

Tommy and I are lying in bed, drifting, not so much toward sleep as simply drifting, two lovers in a rowboat, floating on a windless lake. My cheek is against his chest, while my hand lies farther down, nestled against his penis—for comfort, not for sex. His eyes are half lidded, but I know he’s awake.

“She was genuinely happy about me adopting her,” he murmurs.

“I think ecstatic is the word.”

Silence.

“Never thought a child would be so happy to have me as a father.”

I lift my cheek onto my hand so I can see his face. “Seriously?”

“I don’t mean it like that. It’s not that I thought of myself as unworthy or anything. It’s just … to have her not only say yes but to be so happy about it …” He sighs. “I can’t explain it.”

I smile and lie my head back on his chest. “I think I understand.”

“I did a lot of reading tonight about babies,” he says. “Ordered some books.” He clears his throat, perhaps a little self-conscious. “I want to understand everything.”

“The books help. Up to the birth. After that, we’re on our own.”

“I don’t care if it’s a boy or a girl, by the way.”

My hand pauses in its slow caress of his lower belly. “Really?”

“Yep. I know most guys want a son, and that would be fine, but I honestly don’t care. I just want a healthy child that we raise together.”

“I’m afraid we’re going to get punished for being too happy.” I don’t mean to say it. The words come of their own accord.

He strokes my hair. “I understand.”

I snuggle into him, finding comfort in him speaking those two simple words and no others. He didn’t try to reassure me or pooh-pooh my fears.

We drift again, and I feel him slip away. Tommy usually falls asleep before I do, just as he wakes before I wake. His breathing is slow and steady, and I feel the reassuring beat of his heart against my ear.

I reach down and run a hand over my belly.

Are you in there, whoever you are? No arms, no legs, just a lump of cells, I guess, but I’m going to talk to you a little, anyway. I want you to know that I’m going to take care of you. I’m not going to let anyone hurt you or take you away from me. I have a new rule, baby. Do you want to know what it is?

My stomach gurgles, and I take this as an acquiescence.

Anyone who comes after me or my family personally? They don’t get to go to jail after doing that. Not anymore. The price for that is death, pure and simple. Okay, baby?

No gurgle this time, but that’s okay, because I’m drifting differently now too. My eyes are heavy, and I close