The First Counsel

'No, not at all,' I say. 'She loved you.'

He goes to sit on the swing, but he's too caught up with Nora. His weight crashes down and we slam back into the wall of the house. Sensing the tantrum, I put my arm around him to allay his fears. Within seconds, we're lightly swaying back and forth. Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. Calm slowly returns.

'She really loved you,' I repeat.

'Then why didn't she come?'

I practiced this one the whole way up. It doesn't help. 'Dad,' I begin. 'Nora's . . . Nora had a . . . an accident.'

'Is she okay?'

'No,' I say, shaking my head. 'She's not okay. She's . . . she died, Dad. She died a week and a half ago.'

I wait for the fallout, but all he does is stare down at his shirt, picking at the black letters. Lifting his upper lip, he lets his top teeth show. Like he's smelling something; or trying to figure it out. Slowly, he starts rocking back and forth, his lonely wide eyes studying the upside-down logo. He knows what death is--we went through it years ago. Eventually, he looks up at the porch ceiling. 'Can I say goodbye to her?'

He wants to go to the cemetery. 'Of course,' I tell him. 'In fact, I think she'd like that.'

He nods his head diagonally--making ovals with his chin--but he won't say anything else.

'Do you want to talk about it?' I ask.

Still no response.

'C'mon, Dad, tell me what you're thinking.'

He searches for words that are never going to come. 'She was nice to me.'

'I'm telling you, she really liked you. She told me so.'

'She did?' he whispers, still looking away.

'Of course she did. She said you were smart, and handsome, and what a good father you were . . .' I'm hoping to get a smile, but he still won't face me. I reach over and once again put my arm around him. 'It's okay to be sad.'

'I know. I'm not that sad, though.'

'You're not?'

'Not really. There's a good part to dying too.'

'There is?'

'Sure. You're not in pain anymore.'

I nod. At times like this, my father's absolutely brilliant.

'And you know what the best part is?' he adds.

'No, tell me the best part.'

He looks up at the sky with a wide, toothy grin. 'She's with your mom. Philly. Phyllis. Phyllis.'

I can't help but smile--it's a wide grin. Like my dad's.

'I told you it was the best part,' he laughs.

Swaying in the swing, he starts to giggle. He found a way to make it all okay--his world still exists. 'So have you spoken to the President lately?' he asks. When it comes to jokes, that's his old faithful. Strength in repetition.

'Actually, Dad, that's the other thing I wanted to talk to you about--I left my job at the White House.'

He lowers his feet and the swing stops. 'What about the President?'

'I think he'll be . . . better off without me.'

'Marlon said he's going to win for re-President.'

'Yeah. Real big winner.'

Still not facing me, my dad starts flicking his pinkie and index fingers against his thumb. 'Did you get fired?' he finally asks.

'No,' I say, shaking my head. 'I just had to leave.'

He knows I'm alluding to something--he can hear it in my voice. The flicking gets quicker. 'Does that mean you're going to move again? Does that mean I have to leave too?'

'Actually, you can stay here as long as you want. Of course, I was hoping . . . well, I was wondering . . . Would you like to come live with me for a while?'

The flicking stops. 'Live with you?' he asks, turning around. His eyes flush with tears. His mouth is gaping open. 'Together?'

I think back to my first encounter with Nora. How everyone stared at me when she crossed the room and approached me. Just me. That was the moment. When I was with her, as long as she was there, I was what I wanted. Now I want something different. All the secrets are out. I don't need to be a bigshot.

I look over at my dad. 'If you'll have me, I'd love to have you.'

Once again, I get the toothy grin. This is all he wants to be. Included. Accepted. Normal.

'So what do you say?' I ask.

'I'm going to have to think about it,' he says, chuckling.

'Think about it? What do--'

'You don't even have a job,' he blurts with a laugh.

'And that's funny to you?'

He nods his head vigorously, over and over and over. 'Unemployed lawyers are no good.'

'Who says I'm going to be a lawyer?'

He stops, surprised. 'You're not going to be a lawyer?'

I think back to the small crowd of reporters that still camp outside my building. It's going to take years before it gets easy. It doesn't matter. That's not what's important anymore. 'Let's just say I'm looking at all my options.'

He likes that answer. Anything's possible. 'Look,' he adds, pointing down at his feet. 'Just for you.' He picks up his pant leg, and I expect to see a dark black dress sock inside his white sneakers. Instead, he reveals a bright white sock. 'They don't stay up,' he says, 'but they look nice.'

'They sure do--but I think I like the black ones better.'

'You think so?'

'Yeah. I think so.'

Shrugging, my dad lifts his feet and sends us swinging through the afternoon breeze. Straight ahead, the golden sun is shining directly in our eyes. It's so bright, I can't see a thing beyond the porch. But I see everything.

'Y'know, Mikey, the 57 on the ketchup bottle stands for fifty-seven varieties of tomatoes.'

'Really?' I reply, taking it all in. 'Tell me more.'

I'm still afraid of letting my father down, the cancer that killed my mother, dying unexpectedly, dying for a stupid reason, dying painfully, and dying alone. But for the first time in a long time, I'm not afraid of my past. Or my future.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

BRAD MELTZER is the author of the New York Times bestsellers The Tenth Justice and Dead Even. He graduated with honors from both the University of Michigan and Columbia Law School. He lives in Maryland with his wife, Cori, and is at work on his next novel.

To learn more about The First Counsel and the author, visit his Web site at www.bradmeltzer.com.