own mother waded out to sink. Pocketful of rocks. Final eyeblink, saw her whole life in it. Wonder did it make her feel good or bad.
He needed something to rinse his throat. Keep this up, he thought. Keep this up and it’s back to the river in no time. He got up and stood near the open window in the cold breeze his head was swimming, he had a feeling his room was enormous, looking around in the dark it seemed the walls stretched on forever like a fever dream, he remembered his mother holding iced towels to his neck. Taught fourth and fifth grade because she couldn’t handle the older ones. Old man tells everyone she was pushed. Coverup, he says, uninvestigated murder. Can’t go to heaven if you kill yourself.
Even her—she lived only for herself. Got tired and checked out. Easy to be generous when it doesn’t matter but when the hard decisions come you see what they all choose. It doesn’t matter doing right when it’s easy. Her, Poe, Lee, the old man. As if they’re the only ones alive on earth. Meanwhile you’re always expecting different. It is your own fault expecting things.
You are the one who let her go—watched her walking down the driveway, last you saw of her. Maybe the last anyone saw of her. Maybe she saw someone along the way. Wish she did and wish she didn’t. That was the happiest you’d seen her in a while. Went up to your room and then saw her walking. Seemed out of place but didn’t know what. A nice day, she was going for a walk. Back to your reading.
He stood in the dark listening. The voices started again, giggling, then the porch door opened and closed. He watched them walk out into the driveway holding hands, kissing their good- byes. Maybe you only care because they’re happy, he thought. But he didn’t think that was true. Poe was walking alone across the dark lawn, down the hill toward the road, Isaac watched him and the strange way he had of bouncing on his toes. Poe turned again and waved to Lee. That’s all, you’re being petty. Angry because they are happy. Then he thought no, it has nothing to do with that. It’s because of what they have inside. But somehow you’ve turned out worst of all of them.
He reached for the light but it was too late, there was a loose fluttery feeling in his chest, his heart was beating faster than it ever had and his legs went loose and he sat down. There was a warm feeling like he was pissing himself. Faulty wiring. He took deep breaths but it was beating too fast, fluttering too fast to pump blood. Like the kid who died at soccer. Didn’t confess. Please God, he thought. He sat against the wall and he couldn’t get enough air and he was distantly aware of being cold again and wet everywhere. He tried to call out for his sister but he couldn’t and then the feeling began to pass. He felt embarrassed.
You need to get out of here, he felt more than thought. On shaky legs he got himself up and turned on the light, examined himself, his thin naked body, there was almost no substance to it. He was still shaking and wanted to sit back down but he made himself stand until his legs felt strong again. He was clammy with sweat but that was all. Get up and get moving. Get. Out. Of here. He wiped himself off with a shirt and grimaced. Look at you—when it comes down to it you think Lord God come and save me. Confession get my pardons. Christ, he thought. He felt embarrassed though of course there was no one to be embarrassed in front of. Go on and pay a visit to St. James. Dear old Father Anthony, moral guide and choirboy fondler. Ten Hail Marys and a blowjob. Jerry what’s- his- name, the kid from Lee’s year, had a breakdown. Meanwhile half the town still goes—easier to believe that young Jerry was a liar. Diddle our sons but you can’t shake our faith.
He knew it wasn’t true about his sister. She was not a bad person. Their mother dying, it had driven Lee away, she’d gone off to college right after. He didn’t think she’d chosen another life, not exactly, but a different path had been offered and eventually she’d decided to take it. How can you blame her? You made one visit to New Haven and knew it was right for her. Probably right for you, too, but too late for that. No, he thought, that’s just your pride.
Most of what he needed was in the backpack he’d left by the machine shop. That was the first order of business. It was a crime scene but so what. He couldn’t believe they’d been so stupid today, just walked through the field. It would have been easy to stake the place out and make sure no one was watching. Lessons of hindsight. You are not playing by the same rules as last week, even. No more stupid mistakes. He found a spare set of thermals and began dressing, his heavy cargo pants, a heavy flannel shirt, wool sweater. Get your fishing knife, you might need it.
He bent the sheath loop backwards so it would sit inside his waistband and still clip to his belt. He looked at himself in the mirror, a knife in his belt, and felt ridiculous. Go down and talk to your sister. No, it’s too late for that. It was stupid but there seemed to be no way around it. You’re going to die alone, he thought. This isn’t kid’s stuff anymore.
You didn’t have to leave this way. Only now you do. Took the car the other day up to Charleroi and then you were on 70 West and you kept going, just to see what it felt like, nearly ran out of gas and got home after dark, he was waiting for you. Sitting on the porch, just waiting for you in the dark. Meanwhile you are twenty years old.
Knew he was pushing you—the car was your only freedom. But that is his way. Could have lent you the money to buy a car but didn’t. When you got that job in the Carnegie Library—two hours each way on the bus—he got sick all of a sudden. Four visits to the doctor in a week. Wanted you home but wouldn’t say it. That was his way of telling you. And you gave in. Some part of you was happy to give in. The same part of you that has kept you here waiting two years now.
The air in his room suddenly felt thin and he had an urge to get outside as quickly as possible but he took a final look around and made himself think. There was the ceramic bank his mother had given him, he hadn’t wanted to break it before, it was in the shape of a schoolhouse and it had been full for years but now he cracked it on the edge of the dresser, took the dollars and the quarters, counted it, thirty- two fifty, left the rest of the change on the bed. Rifling his desk for anything else he needed to bring, Social Security card, anything, but he’d packed so carefully the last time that there was nothing. Everything—the money, his journals, everything else—was in his surplus Alice pack sitting under that pile of scrap metal in the field. Unless someone found it. Unlikely, he decided. They had no reason to search the field, everything they needed was in that building. He glanced briefly at the picture of his mother over his desk but it didn’t inspire any sort of feeling. It is because of her checking out that you lost Lee and now you’ve lost Poe as well. Or maybe that happened a long time ago. Either way it’s better that you know it.
He got his spare schoolbag and put a blanket and extra socks in it just in case. In case nothing. You need to get the other pack. After a final inventory he went softly down the stairs, found his sister asleep on the couch, her foot tucked in a hole in the torn plaid cover. He watched her as he laced up his boots. Cheats on her husband, falls fast asleep. Miraculous conscience. Deleted at birth. These are just things you are saying to yourself, he thought.
She opened her eyes, groggy, not sure who was there. He walked past her toward the door.
“Isaac?” she said. “Where are you going?”
“Nowhere.”
“Wait a second, then.”
“I heard you and Poe.”
She looked confused and then she was more awake, she looked again at his backpack, his coat and hat and hiking boots. She untangled herself and stood up quickly. “Hold on,” she said. “It isn’t how it sounded. It isn’t anything. It’s an old thing but now it’s over.”
“You told him you loved him, Lee.”
“Isaac.”
“I believe you. I know that somehow in your mind, both of those things can be true.”
“Just hear me out.”
She took another step toward him and bumped a pile of ancient books, which fell heavily to the floor, startling her. For a second he seemed to see her clearly, her hair disheveled, hollows under her eyes, the grand old
