She had phoned Joubert. To kick him out was not enough?Anna had to humiliate him professionally too.
?Jissis,? he said with feeling.
?Jissis what, Benny??
?Ah fuck, Matt, what is the use of talking? How does that help? I am a fuck-up. You know it and Anna knows it and I know it. What is there left to say? I?m sorry I?m alive?? He waited for some reaction, but none came. The silence hung in the room, until he had to know whether he would find some sympathy. He looked up carefully to see his commander?s expressionless face. Slowly Joubert narrowed his eyes and a red glow suffused his face. Griessel knew his boss was the hell-in and he retreated. Joubert grabbed him without speaking, jerked him out of the chair by his neck and arm and shoved him towards the door.
?Matt,? he said, ?jissis, what now?? He felt the considerable power of the grip.
?Shut up, Benny,? hissed Joubert, and steered him down the stairs, the footfalls loud on the bare surface. Past Mavis and through the entrance hall, Joubert?s hand hard between his shoulders. Then they were outside in the bright sunlight. Never had Joubert been rough with him before. Their shoes crunched over the parking area gravel to the senior superintendent?s car. He said ?Matt? again because he could feel pressure in his guts. This mood had never been directed at him before. Joubert did not respond. He jerked open the car door, his big hand pressing the back of Griessel?s neck, shoved him in and slammed the door.
Joubert climbed in at the driver?s side and turned the key. They shot off with screeching tires and this noise seemed to release a flood of anger inside Joubert. ?A martyr,? he spat out with total disgust. ?I catch you with a fucking bottle in your hand and that is the best you can do? Act the martyr? You drink and hit women and all I see is self-pity. Benny, Jesus Christ, that?s not good enough. In fourteen years, the fourteen fucking years I have worked with you, I have never seen a person so completely fuck-up his life without any help from outside. You should have been a bloody director, but where are you now, Benny? Forty-three and you?re an inspector?with a thirst as big as the Sahara. And you hit your wife and shrug your shoulders and say, ?I can?t help it, Matt.? You fucking hit your wife? Where does that come from? Since when?? Joubert?s hands were communicating too and spit sprayed against the windscreen while the engine screamed at high revolutions. ?You?re sorry you?re alive??
They drove towards Voortrekker Road. Griessel stared ahead. He felt the Jack in his hand again, the desire inside.
When it was quiet he said: ?It was the first time, last night.?
?The first time? What kind of a fucking excuse is that? Does that make it all right? You are a policeman, Benny. You know that?s no fucking argument. And you?re lying. She says it has been threatening for months. Three weeks ago you shoved her around, but you were too drunk to do it properly. And the children, Benny? What are you doing to them? Your two children who have to see their drunkard of a father come home pissed out of his skull and assault their mother? I should lock you up with the scum, she should lay a fucking charge against you, but all that will achieve is more damage to your children. And what do you do? She throws you out and you run to a bottle. Just booze, Benny, that?s all you think about. And yourself. What the fuck is going on inside your head? What has happened to your brains??
For an instant he wanted to respond, to scream: ?I don?t know, I don?t know, I don?t want to be like this, I don?t know how I got here, leave me alone!? Because he was familiar with these questions, and he knew the answers?it was all pointless, it made no difference. He said nothing.
In Voortrekker Road the traffic was heavy, the traffic lights red. Joubert gave the steering wheel a slap of frustration. Griessel wondered where they were going. To the Sanitarium? It wouldn?t be the first time Joubert had dropped him off there.
The senior superintendent blew out a long breath. ?Do you know what I think about, Benny? The whole time.? His voice had mellowed now. ?Of the man who was my friend. The little sergeant who came here from Parow, green and full of go. The one who showed the whole bunch of arrogant detectives at Murder and Robbery how to do police work. The little guy from Parow?where is he, where did he go? The one who laughed and had a clever answer for everything. Who was a legend. Fuck, Benny, you were good; you had everything. You had instinct and respect. You had a future. But you killed it. Drank it up and pissed it away.?
Silence.
?Forty-three,? said Joubert, and he seemed to grow angry all over again. He wove through the cars ahead. Another red light. ?And still you are a bloody child.?
Then only silence reigned in the car. Griessel no longer looked where they were going; he was thinking of the bottle that had been so close to his mouth. Nobody would understand; you had to have been there where he was. You had to know the need. In the old days Joubert had also been a drinker, partied hard, but he had never been to
place. He didn?t know and that?s why he didn?t understand. When he looked up again they were in Bellville, Carl Cronje Street.
Joubert turned off. He was driving more calmly now. There was a park, trees and grass and a few benches. He pulled up. ?Come, Benny,? he said and got out.
What were they doing here? Slowly he opened the door.
Joubert was striding ahead. Where were they going?was he going to beat him up behind the trees? How would that help? The traffic on the N
Joubert stopped between the trees and pointed a finger. When Griessel reached him he saw the figure on the ground.
?Do you know who that is, Benny??
Under a heap of newspapers and cartons and an unbelievably grimy blanket a figure moved when it heard the voice. The dirty face turned upward, a lot of beard and hair and two little blue eyes, sunken in their sockets.
?Do you know him??
?It?s Swart Piet,? said Griessel.
?Hey,? said Swart Piet.
?No,? said Joubert. ?Meet Benny Griessel.?
