?That?s good,? she said, but without enthusiasm, so that he didn?t know how to continue.
?Anna . . .?
She did not speak.
?I?m sorry,? he said with feeling.
?So am I, Benny.? Without inflection.
?Don?t you want to know where I am??
?No.?
He nodded as if he had been expecting it.
?I?ll say goodnight then.?
?Goodnight, Benny.? She put the phone down and he held his cell phone to his ear for a little longer and he knew she did not believe he would make it.
Perhaps she was right.
She saw that she had entranced him and said: ?In Standard Nine I slept with a teacher. And with a buddy of my father.? But he did not react.
?What do you think?? she asked. Suddenly she had to know.
He hesitated for so long that she became anxious. Had he heard, was he listening? Or was he revolted by her?
?I think you are deliberately trying to shock me,? he said, but he was smiling at her and his tone was as soft as water.
For a moment she was embarrassed. Unconsciously, her hand flew up to her hair, the fingers twisting the ends.
?What interests me is why you would want to do that. Do you still think I will judge you??
It was only part of the truth, but she nodded fractionally.
?I can hardly blame you for that, as I suspect experience has taught you that that is what people do.?
?Yes,? she said.
?Let me tell you that counseling from a Christian point of view distinguishes between the person and the deed. What we do is sometimes unacceptable to God, but we are never unacceptable to Him. And He expects the same from me, if I am to do His work.?
?My father also thought he was doing God?s work.? The words were out in reflex, an old anger.
He grimaced as if in pain, as if she had no right to make this comparison.
?The Bible has been used for many agendas. Fear too.?
?So why does God allow that?? She knew the question was lying in wait and she had not seen it.
?You must remember . . .?
Her hands seemed to lose their grip, she seemed to have lost her footing. ?No, tell me. Why? Why did He write the Bible like that so that everyone could use it as they please?? She could hear her own voice, the way it spiraled, how it carried the emotion with it. ?If He loves us so much? What did I do to Him? Why didn?t He give me an easy road too? Like you and your wife? Why did He give me Viljoen and then allow him to blow his brains out? What was my sin? He gave me my father?what chance did I have after that? If He wanted me to be stronger, why didn?t He make me stronger? Or cleverer? I was a child. How was I supposed to know? How was I supposed to know grown- ups were fucked up?? The sound of the swear word was sharp and cutting and she heard it as he would and it made her stop. Angrily, she wiped the wet off her cheeks with the back of her hand.
When he did react, he surprised her again. ?You are in trouble,? he said nearly inaudibly.
She nodded. And sniffed.
He opened a drawer, took out a box of tissues and pushed it over the desk towards her. Somehow this gesture disappointed her. History?she was not the first.
?Big trouble,? he said.
She ignored the tissues. ?Yes.?
He put a big, freckled hand on the cardboard box. ?And it has to do with this??
?Yes,? she said, ?it has to do with that.?
?And you are afraid,? he said.
She nodded.
He pressed a hand over the man?s mouth and the assegai blade against his throat and waited for him to wake. It came with a jerk of the body and eyes opening wide and wild. He put his head close to the small ear and whispered, ?If you keep quiet, I will give you a chance.? He felt the power of Davids?s body straining against the pressure. He cut him with the tip of the blade against the throat, but lightly, just so that he could feel the sting. ?Lie still.?
Davids subsided, but his mouth moved under the hand.
?Quiet,? he whispered again, the stink of drink in his nostrils. He wondered how sober Davids was, but he could wait no longer?it was nearly four o?clock.
?Let?s go outside, you and me. Understand??
