Laurels Are Poison

cupboard is not College property. Now, Miss Cartwright, I wonder whether you can tell me how often the College skeleton has been used at lectures since you became a student here a year and a half ago?’

‘Once, Warden. First-Year physiology.’

‘Ah. And how often is the skeleton brought out at Wattsdown College, I wonder?’

‘Well, they had a mock funeral last term, when a man was sent down for — was sent down,’ observed Miss Cartwright.

‘Sent down for bribing a cat’s-meat man to call on Professor Mule and say that he’d heard the College had horse flesh for sale. I heard about that,’ said Mrs Bradley. ‘Well, Miss Cartwright, I want you to arrange with your brother for this exchange of skeletons to take place. You will not, of course, involve me in any way whatsoever, but I will undertake to see that the exchange is completed without official interference. I have my own reasons for interesting myself in the affair. When did your brother propose to effect the exchange?’

‘He said that would have to depend upon us, Warden,’ replied the completely puzzled Miss Cartwright.

‘Very well, I will let you know later when it will be convenient for you to transport the College specimen to the rendezvous, and where you will find it,’ said Mrs Bradley, making a note. ‘When is the theatre rag to take place?’

‘I don’t know, Warden. Next week, I imagine. Teddie would have to give us time to switch — to obtain possession of the skeleton, and exchange it.’

‘Very well. Assure your brother of Cartaret’s willingness to cooperate. I suppose they have a new lecturer in hygiene this year?’

‘Yes,’ said Miss Cartwright, surprised. ’Warden,‘ she added, ’there’s something I ought to tell you. You know that rag with the j — with the — the — ’

‘The promiscuous vessels. Yes, child.’

‘Well, I was mixed up in that a good bit more than was thought. I had a challenge, sent me during the holidays — typewritten — I don’t know who it was from — daring me to change the skeletons over, and promising that ours would be ready, all boxed up, in the basement, and that certain of the lads would be along to collect it. As they were.’

‘Ah,’ said Mrs Bradley. ‘Have a chocolate, child, I never eat them myself. I have known for some time that you were mixed up in the affair.’

Observing that half the top layer was gone, Miss Cartwright assumed, rightly, that the Sub-Warden probably had a better-educated palate than the Warden, and took a chocolate whilst she wondered how to reply. As her brain refused to assist her, she mumbled thanks, and immediately sought out Laura.

‘I say,’ she said, sitting down heavily upon the bed.

‘Oh, gosh, Cartwright! Have a heart,’ said the sufferer reproachfully. ‘Not the whole ton at once!’

‘Sorry,’ said Miss Cartwright. ‘No, but listen, Dog. First, the Warden is wise to our scheme for swopping Twister Marshmallow with their Dirty Dick — or, as I suppose you’d have to say, vice-versa —’

‘Granted. I told her,’ said Laura.

‘But, dash it, Dog…’

‘Cease foaming. What’s that in your mouth?’

‘Chocolate. She gave me one to terminate the interview.’

‘And you selected the only hard one left, I bet. All right. Well, that doesn’t sound as though she bit you in the neck exactly.’

‘Well, that’s the odd part. She didn’t. She’s all in favour of the scheme, and is offering to help us do the swopping when the lads turn up with Twister.’

‘All to the good. Did you accept the offer?’

‘Look here, Dog, quit stalling. There’s something behind all this. Either Mrs Croc. is off her onion, which wouldn’t surprise me in the slightest, or else there’s something fishy going on, and I want to know where I stand.’

‘You don’t stand. You’re sitting pretty,’ replied Laura. ‘Have faith, old goggle-eyes. Trust your Auntie Laura, who’s never let her pals down yet, and you can’t go wrong. What did she tell you to tell your frere?’

‘Well, just that — just to carry on, and we’d do our part. Honestly, I can’t make head or tail of the woman. And what on earth made you tell her anything about it?’

‘Well, I put it up to the Deb. first. She said tell the Warden, so in an interview specially sought, I told her all.’

‘I suppose she knows you saved her life,’ said Miss Cartwright gloomily, ‘and thinks you’re allowed some fun on the strength of it. But you might think of me! I can’t afford to have my name sent up to Miss du Mugne again this term. I’m still only hanging on by my eyebrows, you know. And, like a fool, I’ve gone and confessed that I worked that All Hallows festival at the beginning of last term, and helped in the original swop-over of the skeletons.’

‘Fear nothing,’ said Laura, ‘and do exactly as the Warden tells you. I had to blow the gaff, dearie, for a reason which you’d be the first to appreciate if you knew it’

‘But what is her game, Dog?’

‘Murder,’ responded Laura. ‘I might tell you that you pulled more of a bone than you know when you swopped those skeletons last time.’

‘I must say that I am sorry to part with Dirty Dick,’ said Mrs Bradley, leering regretfully upon the cadaver before packing straw on top of him as he lay in his coffin-like box. ‘Now the rest I shall leave to you, Miss Menzies, and to your myrmidons. At what hour do you expect the young men?’