“Mmmm.”
“What does mmmm mean?”
“Very amazing.”
She laughed. “That must be Sioux, huh?”
“No.” But he smiled. He liked her teasing.
“I like this, Daniel.”
“I do, too.” He sighed, wishing he could stay where he was and knowing he couldn’t. “But I’ve got to move, or we’re going to decrease the effectiveness of this condom by about ninety percent.”
“Would that be the end of the world?” She snuggled in closer. “Haven’t you ever wondered what a little Daniel Black Eagle would look like?” she asked whimsically.
“No.” He gently, but firmly pushed her off of him, his body rejecting her words as completely as his mind did, and rolled off the bed.
He knew exactly what his child would look like. Him. Just as he was the spitting image of his father. His father’s blood wasn’t a legacy he had any desire to pass down to the next generation.
He frowned down at her. “I’m not daddy material.”
She turned onto her side and propped her head up on her hand. All he could see was the outline of her body, but he could feel her eyes locked on to him. “Why not?”
He wished he’d left a blanket on the bed, or a sheet or something she could use to cover up. Even with the cold chills skating along his nerve endings from her words, his body was reacting to the gentle curves revealed in the shadowy darkness.
“I don’t want a family.” He’d made that decision a long time ago and never changed his mind. “No wife. No kids. Not even a live-in lover to visit between assignments. I’m a mercenary, not a family man.”
“You’re a mercenary trainer now. There’s a difference.” She sat up, her posture not nearly as relaxed as before. “My dad has been a good father, and according to what I remember of his time with my mom, he was a darn good husband.”
Tension clawed at Daniel’s insides. Was she building fantasies in her head around him? She’d do better to wish for the moon, damn it.
“We had sex, Josie, incredible, mind-altering sex, and maybe because it was your first time, you’re thinking there’s more to it than there was, but I don’t do long-term commitment.”
He hated saying these things, had thought he wouldn’t need to. She’d been a merc. She knew the lifestyle, and in a lot of ways, she knew him, but apparently, she didn’t see him as clearly as he thought she did. The prospect of losing her because he couldn’t promise her a future made him sick inside, but he could not have her under false pretenses.
“I’m sorry if I said or did something to make you think otherwise, but if you’re looking for some kind of happily ever after with me, we need to call it quits right now.”
“I don’t believe in happily ever after, and I wasn’t offering to have your baby, though I guess I made it sound that way.”
The coward in him was glad she could not see his face, but he wished he could see hers. Was she hurt? Was she angry? He couldn’t tell. From her tone, she could be either.
“Then why bring it up at all?”
“It was a joke, a lousy one apparently. I didn’t expect you to take me seriously or make such a big deal out of it. And for the record, I may be pretty ignorant about what it takes to make a good relationship, but even I know better than to believe I can build a future with a commitment-phobic exmercenary who sees me as an obsession he wants to get rid of.” She definitely sounded mad now.
“I’m sorry—”
“Don’t apologize to me again, for goodness sake.”
“I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“Don’t make assumptions you can’t substantiate. I never said I was hurt.”
True, and while she sounded angry, there were no tears in her voice. “I’m glad.”
“I’m trying to change my life, Daniel. The last thing I need is a long-term commitment with a soldier. Once we find my dad and his would-be killers, I never want to set foot on another training compound or battlefield again.”
He couldn’t doubt the passionate conviction in her voice, but far from appeasing him as they should have, her words left a hollow place inside. They implied that once this mission was over, she never planned to see him again.
“Are you going to insist your dad come to Portland to visit if he wants to see you?”
“That’s not your concern.”
“It is if it means you aren’t going to see me again.”
She laughed, the sound harsh and lacking in any amusement. “Make up your mind, Daniel. You said you don’t want long-term ties.”
“I don’t.”
“Then how or where I see my dad after this fiasco is over is none of your darn business.”
“So, you’re saying you only want to be lovers while I’m helping you investigate the explosion at the compound?”
“That sounds about right. I doubt your sexual liaisons last much longer than that anyway.”
She was right, but he felt shut out of her life already, and it frustrated him. He’d had no choice but to be honest with her, but he didn’t have to like the consequences. “Do you want me to spend the rest of the night in the other room?”
“Are you saying you’ve sated your obsession already?”
“No.” In fact, now that he knew what it felt like to come inside her, he craved it even more.
“Then why sleep on the couch?”
“You’re angry.”
“Believe it or not, I didn’t go into this thinking you were going to marry me and give me babies.”
Which didn’t deny that she was angry with him. “I’m glad,” he said again, thinking after he said it that maybe he could have been more tactful.
She huffed out a breath. “It’s a good thing I didn’t weave any romantic fantasies around you, isn’t it? You’d have shot them to bits by now. You’re great with your body, Daniel, but your relationship skills stink.”
“At least you enjoyed the sex.”
The words wounded Josie for his sake more than her own.
She bit her lip as she listened with a heavy heart to Daniel’s nearly silent tread across the room and into the bathroom. Her last comment had been uncalled for and untrue. He’d fulfilled every one of her romantic fantasies except one, and he’d never once implied he had any feelings for her not wrapped up in his sex drive. She had known he wasn’t interested in marriage, or a future with her.
She didn’t know why she’d said that about what his child would look like, except that her defenses had been obliterated by what she experienced when they made love. Postcoital bliss had sent her mind wandering down dangerous paths, and her idiotic comment had been the result.
She wished she hadn’t said it. Wished even more that it had been truth rather than pride that had made her deny she wanted him to sleep elsewhere now. Her pride had refused to allow him to see how hurt she’d been by his blunt rejection. However, regardless of what she’d known before they made love, having him spell out his lack of any personal feelings for her beyond sexual desire did make her feel funny about sleeping wrapped in his arms.
Cuddling wasn’t about sex. It was about caring and togetherness. Neither of which she shared with her lover.
She looped her arms around her drawn-up knees and waited for him to come back into the bedroom. The sound of running water was followed by the shower coming on, and she dropped her head against her knees to wait for him to finish.
She felt the bed dip under his weight before she realized he’d come out of the bathroom. She must have dozed, and he must have turned off the light before opening the door. Probably trying to be considerate and not wake her. He wasn’t a total write-off, even if she wished she could convince herself otherwise.
He might not believe it, but one day Daniel Black Eagle would meet the right woman, get married and have
