The final choice (was it final? I don't know. I shall never know now) hardened when I had been nearly six years at Haggershaven. It had been “on” between Barbara and me for the longest stretch I could recall, and I had even begun to wonder if some paradoxical equilibrium had not been established which would allow me to be her lover without vexation and at the same time innocently enjoy a bond with Catty.
As always when the hostility between us slackened, Barbara spoke of her work. In spite of such occasional confidences it was still not her habit to talk of it with me. That intimacy was obviously reserved for Ace, and I didn't begrudge him it, for after all he understood what it was all about and I didn't. This time she was so full of the subject she could not hold back, even from one who could hardly distinguish between thermodynamics and kinesthetics.
“Hodge,” she said, gray eyes greenish with excitement, “I'm not going to write a book.”
“That's nice,” I answered idly. “New, too. Saves time, paper, ink. Sets a different standard; from now on scholars will be known as 'Jones, who didn't write
“Silly. I only meant it's become customary to spend a lifetime formulating principles; then someone else comes along and puts your principles into practice. It seems more sensible for me to demonstrate my own conclusions instead of writing about them.”
“Yes, sure. You're going to demonstrate… uh… ?”
“Cosmic entity, of course. What do you think I've been talking about?”
I tried to remember what she had said about cosmic entity. “You mean you're going to try to turn matter into space or something like that?”
“Something like that. I intend to translate matterenergy into terms of space-time.”
“Oh,” I said, “equations and symbols and all that.”
“I just said I wasn't going to write a book.”
“But how—” I started up as the impact struck me. “You're going to - - .” I groped for words. “You're going to build a. . - an engine which will move through time?”
“Putting it crudely. But close enough for a layman.”
“You once told me your work was theoretical. That you were no vulgar mechanic.”
“I'll become one.”
“Barbara, you're crazy! As a philosophical abstraction this theory of yours is interesting—”
“Thank you. It's always nice to know one has amused the yokelry.”
“Barbara, listen to me. Midbin—”
“I haven't the faintest interest in Oliver's stodgy fantasies.”
“He has in yours though, and so have I. Don't you see, this determination of yours is based on the fantasy of going back through time to—uh—injure your mother—”
“Oliver Midbin is a coarse, stupid, insensate lout. He has taught the dumb to speak, but he's too much of a fool to understand anyone of normal intelligence. He has a set of idiotic theories about diseased emotions, and he fits all facts into them even if it means chopping them up to do it or inventing new ones to piece them out. Injure my mother indeed! I have no more interest in her than she ever had in me.” “Ah, Barbara—”
“'Ah Barbara,'” she mimicked. “Run along to your pompous windbag of a Midbin or your oh-so-willing coweyed Spanish doxy—”
“Barbara, I'm talking as a friend. Leave Midbin and Catty and personalities out of it and just look at it this way. Don't you see the difference between promulgating a theory and trying a practical demonstration which will certainly appear to the world as going over the borderline into charlatanism? Like a spiritualist medium or—”
“That's enough! 'Charlatan'! You unspeakable guttersnipe. What do you know of anything beyond the seduction of cretins? Go back to your trade, you errand boy!”
I seemed to remember that once before an incident had ended precisely this way. “Barbara—”
Her hand caught me across my mouth. Then she strode away.
The fellows of Haggershaven were not enthusiastic for her project. Even as she outlined it to them in more sober language than she had to me it still sounded outlandish, like the recurrent idea of a telegraph without wires or a rocket to the moon. Besides, 1950 was a bad year. The war was coming closer; at the least, what was left of the independence of the United States was likely to be extinguished. Our energies had to be directed toward survival rather than new and expensive ventures. Still, Barbara Haggerwells was a famous figure commanding great respect, and she had cost them little so far, beyond paper and pencils. Reluctantly the fellows voted an appropriation.
An old barn, not utilized for years, but still sound, was turned over to Barbara, and Kimi was delighted to plan, design, and supervise the necessary changes. Ace and a group of the fellows attacked the job vigorously, sawing and hammering, bolting iron beams together, piping in gas for reflecting lights to enable them to work at night as well.
I believe I took no more interest than was inescapable as a fellow of Haggershaven. I had no doubt that the money and labor were being wasted, and I foresaw a terrible disappointment for Barbara when she realized the impossibility of her project. For myself I did not think she would play any further part of importance in my life.
We had not spoken since the quarrel, nor was there inclination on either side toward coming together again. I could not guess at Barbara's feelings; mine were those of relief, unmixed with regret. I would not have erased all there had been between us, but I was satisfied to have it in the past. The raging desire vanished, gradually replaced by an affection of sorts; I wanted no more of that tempestuous passion, instead I felt aloofly protective and understanding.
For at last I was absorbed with Catty. The raw hunger of the moment when I first realized I wanted her came back with renewed force, but now other, more diffused feelings were equally part of my emotion. I knew she could make me jealous as Barbara could not; at the same time I could see tranquillity beyond turbulent wanting, a tranquillity never possible with Barbara.
But my belated realization of what Catty meant to me was no reaction to Barbara or connected with the breaking of that tie. The need for Catty was engendered by Catty alone, and for Catty apart from anything I had ever felt for another. It was in some ways an entirely new hunger, as the man's need transcends the youth's. I understood now what her question in the woodlot meant, and at last I could truthfully answer.
She kissed me back, freely and strongly. “I love you, Hodge,” she said; “I have loved you even through the bad dream of not being able to speak.”
“When I was so unfeeling.”
“I loved you even when you were impatient; I tried to make myself prettier for you. You know you have never said I was pretty.”
“You aren't, Catty. You're extraordinarily beautiful.”
“I think I would rather be pretty. Beauty sounds forbidding. Oh, Hodge, if I did not love you so much I would not have stopped you that day.”
“I'm not sure I understand that.” “No? Well, it is not necessary now. Sometimes I wondered if I had been right after all, or if you would think it was because of Barbara.”
“Wasn't it?”
“No. I was never jealous of her. We GarcIas are supposed to have Morisco blood; perhaps I have the harem outlook of my dark Muslim ancestors. Would you like me to be your black concubine?”
“No,” I said. “I'd like you to be my wife. In any colors you have.”
“Spoken with real gallantry; you will be a courtier yet, Hodge. But that was a proposal, wasn't it?”
“Yes,” I answered grimly. “If you will consider one from me. I can't think of any good reason why you should.”
She put her hands on my shoulders and looked into my eyes. “I don't know what reason has to do with it. It is what I always intended; that was why I blushed so when Hiro Agati blurted out what everyone could see.”
Later I said, “Catty, can you ever forgive me for the wasted years? You say you weren't jealous of Barbara, but surely if she and I—that is… anyway, forgive me.”
“Dear Hodge, there's nothing to forgive. Love is not a business transaction, nor a case at law in which justice is sought, nor a reward for having good qualities. I understand you, Hodge, better I think than you understand yourself. You are not satisfied with what is readily obtained, otherwise you would have been content back in—what
