The Sea, the Sea

A man with a cap stood there. ‘Laundry.’

‘Laundry?’

‘Laundry. You wanted the laundry to call. I’m it.’

‘Oh God, yes, nothing at the moment, thank you, call again could you, next week or-’

I ran back to the kitchen. Peregrine had arrived. He of course knew Lizzie, though not well. They were still exchanging greetings when Gilbert came in with Titus.

‘Darling!’

‘Gilbert!’

‘Is this your suitcase? We found it outside.’

The front door bell rang again. Would it be Hartley now? Oh let it be.

‘Telephone?’

‘You wanted a telephone. I’ve come to install it.’

By the time I had settled where the telephone was to be the company in the kitchen were all singing Cherry Ripe.

And they went on singing. And we got drunk. And Gilbert had made a great salad and set out bread and cheese and cherries. And Titus was looking so happy, sitting in the midst with Lizzie perched on the table near him and feeding him cherries. And I thought of that stuffy room on the other side of the village where Hartley was hiding her face and saying again and again and again, ‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.’ I took some more wine. There was plenty of it, purchased by Gilbert at my expense. Then when it was getting dark, and they had moved on from Abide with me to The day Thou gavest, Lord, is ended, we all went out onto the lawn. James’s stone-design had already been disordered by people tripping over it. I wanted to get Lizzie to myself and explain things to her. I led her a little way across the rocks and we sat down, hidden from the house. At once she gave me one of her chaste drying clinging kisses.

‘Lizzie-’

‘Darling, sweetheart, you’re drunk!’

‘Lizzie, you’re my friend, aren’t you?’

‘Yes, forever and ever.’

‘Why did you come to me, what do you want?’

‘I want to be with you always.’

‘Lizzie, it can never be, you know that, it can never be.’

‘You did ask me-you asked me something-have you forgotten? ’

‘I forget so many things. I forgot the windscreen got broken.’

‘The-?’

‘Oh never mind. Listen. Listen, Lizzie. Listen-’

‘I’m listening!’

‘Lizzie, it cannot be. I am committed to this very unhappy person. She is going to come back to me. Did Gilbert tell you?’

‘Gilbert wrote something. You tell me.’

‘I can’t remember what you know.’

‘Rosina said you were going to marry a bearded lady, and you said that you’d met this woman from the past and that what you’d said to me was a mistake-’

‘Lizzie, I do feel love for you, but not like that. I’m bound to her, bound, it’s-it’s absolute.’

‘But she’s married.’

‘She’s going to leave her husband and come to me. He’s a vile man and she hates him.’

‘And she loves you?’

‘Yes-’

‘And is she really so ugly?’

‘She’s-Lizzie, she’s beautiful. I wonder if you know what it’s like when you have to guard somebody, to guard them in your heart against all damage and all darkness, and to sort of renew them as if you were God-’

‘Even if it’s all-not true-like in a dream?’

‘There’s a way in which it must be true, it can’t be a dream, pure love makes it true.’

‘I know-you pity her-’

‘It’s not pity-it’s something much greater, much purer. Oh Lizzie-my heart could break with it-’ I dropped my head onto my knees.

‘Oh my dear-’ Lizzie touched my hair, stroking it very gently, very tenderly, as one might touch a child or a small quiet pet.

‘Lizzie darling, are you crying? Don’t cry. I do love you. Let us two love each other whatever happens.’

‘You want everything, don’t you, Charles.’

‘Yes, but not like that. Let’s love in a free open way, like you said in your letter, free and separate and not holding on like crazy-’

‘It was a stupid letter. I think holding on like crazy is the only thing I understand-’

‘But with her, with Hartley-it’s like something eternal that’s always existed, something far greater than either of us. She will come to me, she has got to. She has always been with me and she is coming home to herself. I feel in such an odd way that my retiring, my coming here, was all a sort of giving up the world just for her. I gave her the meaning of my life long ago, I gave it to her and she still has it. Even if she doesn’t know she has it, she has it.’

‘Just like even if she’s ugly she’s beautiful and even if she doesn’t love you she loves you-’

‘But she does-’

‘Charles, either this is very fine, very noble, or else you’re mad.’

‘Dear Lizzie-I feel so full of love tonight because of her.’

‘You’ve got it to give away.’

‘Yes, but not to anybody. When you feel full to the brim with your own life, committed, given, complete, it makes you feel so free too. I don’t know what the future holds, Lizzie. I just know it’s all to do with her. But that makes other love in a way all the more real if it exists at all, because it’s pure, it’s unselfish, it’s for nothing. Will you love me for nothing, Lizzie, asking nothing, going nowhere, just because we’re us?’

‘Either this is wisdom or you’re cheating. You’re certainly drunk.’

‘Will you, Lizzie dear?’

‘Yes.’ She took my hands and began kissing them.

‘Lizzie. Lizzie, where are you?’ The voice of Gilbert.

It had become almost dark, though there was still a little light over the sea where the sunken sun was still illuminating the line of white clouds which shone like pale lamps over the waves which were racing landward. The tide was rising.

‘Lizzie, come back, we want you to sing Voi che sapete.’

She was away from me in a moment, a long bare leg stretched. I could see Gilbert now, reaching his hand down to her from above. I stayed where I was.

What a weird uncanny simulacrum of happiness the evening was, like a masque put on by the spirit of melancholy. Would I be able not to go to that house, not to know what was happening, not to burst into their lives like a storm, like rain beating upon them, like thunder?

After a little while I came back towards Shruff End. It seemed to be unusually illuminated and looked like a doll’s house. Gilbert must have bought several more lamps at my expense. Some light fell onto the lawn. As I drew near to it Lizzie was still singing solo. Her true truthful small voice wandered in the air patterning it high up, making utterly still the group of men surrounding her. Perry, who was very drunk, was standing with folded arms near the kitchen door. He checked occasional swaying movements. Gilbert, smiling sentimentally, was sitting cross-legged. Titus was kneeling, his lips apart, his face concentrated with emotion and pleasure, his eyes wide. At first I could not see James. Then I discerned him just below me reclining on the grass. A family party.