You were forty-five minutes late last night, said Nick.
The bus was late, I said.
You lie without hesitation, said Nick. It’s become second nature, Jan.
Mellow out, I said to him.
He shook his head.
You’re goin’ down a bad road, Norman, he said.
Whatever, I said.
Sharon’s mother called me today, said my mom.
My insides dropped and went fluttering down my legs and I was hollow.
I shot her a
Did you or did you not take Sharon’s mother’s car? said Nick.
I wasn’t driving, I said.
She’s thirteen years old, said my mom.
I told her not to do it.
But you got in the car, said Nick.
She was leavin’ no matter what.
You’d jump off a bridge if she told you to? said Nick.
I missed the bus. I was late.
They noticed the car was gone at 7:30, said Nick. You got home at 10:45.
I didn’t do anything. I just got a ride, I said. She was going anyways.
The fucking denial, the lack of any shred of compunction, is really fucking sickening, said Nick.
I shrugged. Whatever.
His hand was around my neck in a flash and I was tripping backward. I grabbed his forearm and he lifted me off the ground and slammed me against the refrigerator. I slid to the ground and the floor knocked the wind out of me. His eyes were red with throbbing vessels and his face was purple and his fingernails dug into my neck. I had a clear shot at him—my arms free at my sides, his face unguarded. But my biceps turned to weeds. I was afraid to fight back.
Let go. I’m choking, I said.
Let go of him, Nick!
You give me a go-fuck-yourself look again and I’m going to wipe it right off your face.
Okay, I sputtered and nodded.
He unclenched his fingers. I breathed again.
He stood.
A nice little family discussion, he said sarcastically, and he and my mom both laughed. It was clear that she had aligned herself with him again.
Are you okay? said my mom.
I ignored her and stood up and stared out the window.
Your mother asked you a question, Norman, said Nick.
Yeah I’m great, I said staring out the window.
Okay. Well. You’re grounded for two weeks, said my mom. No going out. You have to come home right after school. Got it?
What about surfing? I said.
No surfing either.
I turned and glared at my mom.
Why would you think it would be okay to go
I wanted to tell him to go fuck himself. However, he was correct—if you’re grounded it doesn’t make sense to be able to go surfing.
This will help you finally learn about consequences, he said. That your actions have consequences. Welcome to the NFL.
It was a peculiar thing to say but I fully understood it. I even smirked.
I served out my sentence for tardiness and lying and the winter turned to spring and we moved back to the house on the edge of the canyon and it seemed like all I thought about was surfing and sex—though I was still a virgin. Then right before spring break Sharon left me for an eighth-grader. She called me aside one day, explaining that he was really just more her type. I walked away weak-legged and I thought I might cry as I stole into the bathroom. I did not love her and I couldn’t understand why it hurt so much. I locked myself in a stall so that nobody would see me like this.
I was kissing Sharon yesterday and today she’s gone. I wanted to touch her again, lose myself against her body. Our make-out sessions were suddenly blissful moments that I longed for. I had told her things that only Eleanor knew. My mind raced, searching for somebody to fill in for Sharon—Sharon under my body, breathing into my ear while I kissed her neck. Then she vanished, abandoned me, and I was free falling. My knees hit the bathroom floor and I spit into the toilet on the verge of vomiting.
I wiped my mouth. All the aggression that had been mounting over the previous couple months erupted. I turned and side-kicked the stall door. I kicked it and kicked it until the lock busted and dangled from the door. Moving to the sink, I felt looser. Not so jammed up anymore. I splashed water on my face and cooled down. As I made my way back to the hangout spot by the cafeteria I thought about beating up Nick.
On Friday night I skateboarded to a party with the surfer crew and they got into a fight with some jocks, reminding me that I used to be a jock. I wanted to hit somebody—it would feel good, doling out a little punishment and not just taking it all the time. Instead I watched from the sidelines.
It was a weekend and I had just come back from the beach when my mom told me that Grandma Ollestad had lung cancer. I touched my neck remembering my sore throats and I thought that maybe I could get throat cancer.
She didn’t smoke, did she? I said.
Never. That’s what’s so strange about it, she said. She’s going to Tijuana for a special treatment they don’t offer in the States. I thought we’d drive down and visit her next weekend.
Okay, I said.
I sat down on the couch and stared out the window. Grandma’s black lungs crawled with cancer-worms and I zoomed toward the ocean below as if tumbling down the hillside. When I looked at my mom again she appeared to be scattered around the living room as if I were in a house of mirrors. I closed my eyes and wondered what the hell was wrong with me.
The following Saturday we loaded Nick’s station wagon and I put my surfboard in last so it would not get dinged by the suitcases.
You’re not bringing your fucking surfboard, said Nick.
Why not? I said.
We’re going down there to spend time with your grandmother, not to surf. Take it out.
I’m not going to surf the whole time. Just after we’ve been there all day. Just in case it’s good.
No. Absolutely not.
Nick, said my mom. Let him bring the board. We’re not going to be in the hospital all day every day.
His grandmother is dying, Jan. This might be the last time he sees her. He can manage not to surf for two days.
He turned to me.
This is not about you, Norman. It’s about your grandmother. I know that’s hard for you to comprehend.
I get it, I said. I just want to have the board in case there’s some extra time. What’s wrong with that?
Because it’s not about that. You have to learn to think of other people sometimes without putting your selfish needs into the equation.
He grabbed the board and walked it to the side door of the garage, unlocked the door and went inside with
