“I think I did what I wanted to do.” Her eyes scanned the empty tables around her to be sure none of the waiters had drifted too near. “But it wasn’t smooth.”
“You mean somebody’s looking for you?”
“Maybe, but not hard, and not for long. It had nothing to do with me.” She scanned the restaurant again, and when her eyes returned to him, she smiled. “Sounds brave, doesn’t it?”
“I’m awed, as usual,” he said.
“Don’t be. Twenty-four hours ago I was as scared as anybody alive. I could almost taste the strawberries.”
He cocked his head. “What strawberries?”
She looked down and shook her head. “It’s just an old expression.” She paused. “Really old. It means you came so close that you could already taste the wild strawberries that grow by the path to the other world.”
He looked down too, and then up again to fix his eyes on hers. “Want to tell me what brought that on?”
“I made a mistake—took a chance to buy some extra time for my rabbit. I ended up in a high place, looking down, the way you do in a bad dream.” She patted his hand. “Since I didn’t fall, I guess you could say nothing actually happened. What did you do while I was gone?”
“Surgery every morning at seven except Friday. Office visits from one to five. Hospital rounds five to seven.”
“And then?”
“I thought about how to talk to you. You’re not that easy. You have a long history of standing up and walking around whenever anybody says anything, so I decided to take you to a restaurant.”
“Big talk, huh? Serious stuff?”
“Yes. You told me what happened on your trip in December. You said that I should think about what I’d heard. If I asked you again after I’d thought about it, you would say yes.”
Jane said, “No, I told you I loved you. I told you that if you asked me again after one year, I would say yes. And if you do, I will.”
Carey’s long, strong fingers moved up his forehead and pushed back the shock of hair that had begun to creep down. “I’m a very quick thinker. I’ve been thinking about it for six months. No. Let me start again,” he said. “You and I have known each other for almost fourteen years. We were sophomores that night at Uris Library when Sally introduced us.”
“Right,” she said. “You were doing sickening drawings of invertebrates. Compound eyes and mandibles.”
“So whatever fundamental judgments we needed to make about each other have been made. That was what this was about, wasn’t it? You told me something that I hadn’t known about you. You wanted to be sure I didn’t assume I could ignore it and then start mulling it over after it was too late.”
“That’s part of it,” she said. “We have to be friends, because we are. We don’t have to get married. That brings on a whole new set of rules and agreements that are very rigid and binding, and nobody should do it who has any doubts.”
“Are we still talking about the same thing?”
“I’m not talking about one thing,” she said. “I’m talking about everything at once, because that’s what marriage is. You take all of the complexity of your life—Who is this person? Do I approve? Where do I want to live? Who are my relatives? What time do I get up? What do I wear? What work do I do?—and compress all of it into just one question: Do I get married or not? That was why I picked a year.”
“You made your decision in a day.”
“I’m very introspective, and I spend a lot of time alone.”
He shook his head and chuckled sadly. “I want it on the record that I haven’t seen any other women since we talked about this.”
“Come on, Carey,” she said. “You’re so dour and businesslike. It’s not like you. This is about being alive and happy. We’re old buddies. We know way too much about each other to start making speeches. I’m glad to hear you’re not molesting the nurses … anymore. But that’s just my possessiveness. I’m not checking compliance with an agreement.”
“You started it. In December.”
“I had no choice,” she said. “That was disclosure.”
“It seems to be what’s standing in the way now.”
She sighed. “You are a person who spends his life taking patients who are probably going to die and fixing them up. It’s an obsession. It’s what you have instead of a religion. I told you because not telling you would have made everything else a lie. I had just come home from a trip where I had killed some people. I am, technically and legally, a murderer. That’s not a small thing. It puts you in danger too—again, technically and legally. But also philosophically. Emotionally. I did something that is against everything you believe and everything you know.”
“How do you feel about it now?” He lowered his voice. “Are you sorry? Afraid? Proud?”
Her eyes turned on him in a glare, then turned away again. “It’s something to be avoided.”
“Do better than that.”
“It was the most horrible experience of my life. If the same circumstances came up tomorrow—no, right now, tonight—I know I would do it again. It would be much harder because I would know what it was going to look like. It also taught me some other things I had avoided knowing.”
“Like what?”
“All these years I was telling myself that what I was doing was unambiguous. I was taking people who were in the worst kind of trouble and making them disappear. That made sense. Whoever was in danger of dying didn’t, so nobody did. But I should have admitted to myself that one day I wasn’t going to run fast enough, or I would take a wrong turn. Until it happened I didn’t realize that what I was doing wasn’t just saving people. I was choosing a side. There aren’t any good guys in a fight to the death. So now I know, and you know.”
“Yes,” said Carey. “I know. I’ve thought about it every day for six months. My reaction is another surprise. I find it doesn’t matter to me. It’s another life, another time—like a war. What does matter is this: Is it over? Do you plan to stop making people disappear?”
“Done,” said Jane.
“What?”
“I mean, Okay. I’ll stop doing what I’ve been doing.”
“It’s that easy?”
“Answering quickly doesn’t mean it’s easy. It just means I didn’t wait until now to decide. When I said I would marry you, that was part of the bargain.” Jane shrugged. “I was a guide because it was the right thing for me to do in that time and place. If you’re waiting for me to apologize for it, you’ll wait forever. It’s just not something you do if you’re somebody’s wife.”
The waiter brought the check on its little silver tray and Carey set a credit card on top of it, then went through the ceremony of adding the tip and signing it. The waiters and busboys were all very solicitous and friendly, because Carey and Jane were the only patrons who had not left, and they meant to sweep away all obstacles to their swift departure so the shift would end.
The car was waiting at the door. As soon as they were inside and the car was in motion, Carey said, “I love you. I’ve done all the thinking I need to do. I want you to marry me now, not six months from now.” He stopped at the edge of the highway and looked at her, but there was no answer.
“Drive for a while,” she said. He turned left and went east, out into the country. She sat in silence and looked out the window at the dark landscape. There were woods now, and farmhouses.
“Are you thinking about it?” he asked.
“I’m thinking,” she said. “I’m thinking about how to tell you everything that’s in my mind.” She drew in a breath and seemed to try to begin, then let the breath out. “There!” she said. “Pull over up there by that orchard.”
“Where?”
“Beside the fence.”
The car slowed, and then the tires ground on gravel, and the car stopped. “Oh, even better,” she said. “Pull into that drive up there.”
“What are we doing?”
“Just do it.” She cajoled, “I want to show you something. I promise you’ll like it.”
