had spent much of the last week at the library researching psychology books on suicide, the people who remained and guilt complexes. Many of the articles she’d read described Kane’s withdrawal and resulting pain perfectly.
The knowledge didn’t take away her regret or loneliness, but it did help her to understand the man she’d loved and lost. Kane had never let go of his guilt, anger and fear. He probably never would.
“You’re too forgiving.” Catherine picked up the letter opener on the desk. “Personally I’d like to slit his throat… or that other part of his anatomy. The only part he was thinking with when he…”
“Enough. He doesn’t deserve it. I’m dealing without Kane just fine.”
“Say that enough times and maybe I’ll believe it. Better yet, maybe you’ll believe it. He hurt you, and you have to acknowledge that. At the very least, vent and you’ll feel better.”
“Is that why you’re twirling a letter opener in your hand and issuing empty threats against Kane? To get me in touch with my feelings?”
Cat grinned. “Whatever works.”
The bells over the shop door tinkled, distracting her attention. Sunlight gleamed through the doorway and the front windows, blinding in its intensity.
“Afternoon, ladies.”
Kayla shut her eyes against the harsh glare…and the sound of the deep, familiar voice. She was dreaming again, just as she had been last night, awakening with her clothing damp with sweat, her thighs tingling from an erotic, sexy dream starring…
“Isn’t someone going to speak?” Kane asked.
“You’d better be here to grovel because I’m not about to let you hurt her again.”
“Good to see you, too, Catherine.”
At the sound of their bickering, Kayla opened her eyes. Kane stood inside, leaning against the bookshelves on the side wall, out of the sun’s glare. He’d entered, but his wary expression told her he was by no means sure of his welcome. He might be uncertain, but he wasn’t unsure. Power and sexuality oozed from every delectable inch of him.
His penetrating stare shifted from Catherine to Kayla. “Do you want me to leave?” he asked in a controlled voice.
Her heart squeezed tight in her chest. Of course, she didn’t want him to leave. Yet how could she subject herself to any more pain? Whether she heard what he had to say now, or asked him to leave later, the result would be the same. He’d pick up and go. His intentions had always been clear. She’d just been too stubborn to heed them.
Kayla exhaled, knowing she had no choice. She loved him enough to hear him out, even if it was just department business that brought him. The thought nearly suffocated her.
She turned to her sister. “Catherine, I think you should go.”
Catherine shrugged and headed for the desk chair where she’d deposited her coat. “Your choice. I just hope he proves himself worth it.”
Kane glanced over Cat’s head to meet Kayla’s gaze. “Is she going to be this tough for the rest of my life?” he asked, a grin edging his mouth.
She wanted to kiss him. She wanted him to leave before he could hurt her even more. Her hands squeezed into fists at her side. “Probably.”
Catherine grabbed her shoulder bag. She shot a glance at Kayla before zeroing in on Kane. “You think this is tough, you haven’t seen anything yet.”
“Goodbye, Catherine.” Kayla urged her sister out with her tone of voice.
“I’m going. But you do realize this is getting to be a habit. Him showing up, you kicking me out, him showing up…” Despite Catherine’s warning, laughter tinged her voice. Even the tougher Luck sister had a soft spot for Kane McDermott. It didn’t bode well for Kayla.
Catherine eased past Kane, slipping beneath his arm and out the door, still muttering aloud the entire time.
“She means well,” Kayla said.
“I know. Do you stick up for me the same way when I’m out of earshot?” he asked.
She licked her dry lips, barely able to speak now that they were alone. “A bad habit of mine.”
“What is?”
“Sticking up for people I lo…” No. She couldn’t lay her heart out for him to trample once more. “What do you want from me, Kane? I made my statement, the captain’s filled me in on all I need to know and we said our goodbyes.” She nearly choked on the word.
“Well, that’s the thing. We didn’t-say our goodbyes, that is.”
“I don’t like games.” Not when they hurt her so badly.
“Believe me, sweetheart, this is no game. Think back. You said goodbye, I didn’t.”
“Is that why you came back? To make sure I knew the score? I’m not stupid, Detective.”
His gaze darkened. “I never thought you were.”
She knew that. Kane of all people had given her intelligence due respect. Lashing out was the only way she knew to protect herself from what was to come. She just wished she knew exactly what that was.
“I just don’t need the word spelled out to know you aren’t coming back, that I shouldn’t expect anything from you in the future.” Her breath caught in her throat and she had to pause for air, until the ability to speak without showcasing her emotions returned. She’d never felt more fragile. “We already covered everything important.”
“Not quite everything.” He stepped toward her, determined, sexy and sure. Just as he had been the first time, when her life had changed forever.
He grasped her hand and held on tight. He might as well have gripped her heart in his fist. “Did you ever think I didn’t say the word goodbye because I didn’t mean it?” he asked.
Frustration filled her. She’d had enough of double-talk, word games and drawing out the inevitable pain. “Just like you didn’t say I love you because you don’t?” She regretted the impulsive, straight-talking words the minute they left her mouth, but once spoken, the truth lay between them.
She tried to jerk her hand free, but he held on with an iron grip. Ignoring his heat was impossible. As always, it elicited an answering liquid warmth inside of her.
She resented the easy hold he had over her, the way he could make her react despite her better judgment. She sighed. “Look, I accepted your limitations, Kane. Now accept mine. You know how I feel about you, so please respect me enough to…”
“Explain?”
“I have a pretty good handle on the whys. I’d rather you just left me alone. It’s better for both of us. I know for sure you feel the same way.”
“That’s what I thought. What I kept telling myself, even as I walked out your front door. But it’s not true. I’m a better man with you by my side…and I’d like to think the reverse is true.”
His sheepish grin gave rise to spiraling hope deep inside her. Foolish hope. But he had come back. And that was more than she’d ever thought possible.
“And even if you’re better off without me, I’m selfish enough to ask you to stay with me anyway.”
Kayla’s heartbeat tripled and she could barely catch her breath. Kane had never spoken beyond the present before and that was promising. But many other words had been spoken, too.
“What about your edge?” she asked carefully, working hard to bank her hope and her emotions. “You said I distract you…I threaten your ability to be the best cop, the best man, you can be.”
“I was wrong.
The future suddenly loomed wide before her, full of possibilities. Full of love. She’d invested all her hopes in this man and he’d come through. She hoped she could repay the gift with a lifetime of love and acceptance.
She glanced at his strained expression, a result of facing his past and baring his soul. For her. “She was your mother. She wouldn’t have wanted that, Kane.”
He nodded. Kane had told himself the same thing. “I know that now.” Reid’s unwavering faith in him over the years had finally sunk into his thick skull.
The older man had been right. He’d stopped feeling the day his mother walked in front of that bus. And he
