just like it was Cal’s, and without those games to look forward to, Cal knew his former teammate’s existence was as empty as a Tuesday night stadium.
Poor B.T. Cal gave the former wide-out high marks for not whining about the injustice of being forced out of the game, even as he promised himself he wouldn’t let anything in the world push him into retirement until he was ready. Football was his life, and nothing would ever change that. Not age. Not injuries. Nothing.
He finished his conversation, then went to his locker to dress. As he pulled on his clothes, his thoughts drifted away from Bobby Tom Denton and back to his birthday night. Who was she, damn it? And why couldn’t he get her off his mind?
“You made me come all the way over here today just so you could ask me about my transportation expenses to the Denver conference?” Jane never lost control in professional situations, but as she looked at the man who governed her day-to-day activities at Preeze Laboratories, she wanted to scream.
Dr. Jerry Miles lifted his head from the papers he’d been studying on his desk.“You may regard these kinds of details as minor annoyances, Jane, but as the director of Preeze Laboratories, I assure you they’re not minor to me.”
He thrust his hand back through his limp, too-long graying hair as if she’d frustrated him beyond bearing. The gesture seemed as studied as his appearance. Today Jerry’s uniform consisted of a snagged, yellow polyester turtleneck sweater, threadbare navy jacket with a dandruff-flecked collar, and rusty corduroy slacks now mercifully concealed by the desk.
It wasn’t Jane’s habit to judge people by their clothing-most of the time she was too preoccupied even to notice-but she suspected Jerry’s unkempt appearance was deliberately cultivated to conform to the image of the eccentric physicist, a stereotype that had died out a good decade earlier, but which Jerry must believe would camouflage the fact that he could no longer keep up with the exploding body of knowledge that made up modern physics.
String theories mystified him, supersymmetry left him baffled, and, unlike Jane, he couldn’t handle the complex new mathematics that scientists such as she were practically inventing on a daily basis. But despite his shortcomings, Jerry had been appointed director of Preeze two years ago, a maneuver engineered by the older and more conservative members of the scientific establishment, who wanted one of their own to head such a prestigious institution. Jane’s association with Preeze had been a hellish snarl of bureaucracy ever since. By contrast, her position on the Newberry College faculty seemed remarkably uncomplicated.
“In the future,” Jerry said, “we’re going to need more documentation from you to justify this sort of expense. Your cab fare from the airport, for example. Outrageous.”
She found it mind-boggling that a man in his position could find nothing better to do than harrass her about something so inconsequential. “The Denver airport is quite far from the city.”
“In that case, you should have used the hotel shuttle.”
She could barely swallow her frustration. Not only was Jerry scientifically incompetent, but he was a sexist, since her male colleagues didn’t have to undergo this kind of scrutiny. Of course, they hadn’t made Jerry look like a fool either.
When Jane had been in her early twenties and still operating in a fog of idealistic zeal, she had written a paper that had patently disproved one of Jerry’s pet theories, which had been a slapdash piece of work that had nonetheless garnered him accolades. His stock within the scientific community had never been the same, and he’d neither forgotten nor forgiven her.
Now, his brow furrowed, and he launched into an assault on her work, not a simple thing since he comprehended so little of it. As he pontificated, the depression that had dogged her ever since her failed attempt to get pregnant two months earlier, settled in deeper. If only she were carrying a child now, everything might not seem so bleak.
As a fierce seeker of the truth, she knew what she had done that night was morally wrong, but she was confused by the fact that something about it had seemed so right, maybe the fact that she could not have chosen a better candidate to be her baby’s father. Cal Bonner was warrior, a man of aggression and brute strength, all qualities she lacked. But there was something more, something she couldn’t entirely explain, that spoke of his absolute suitability. An internal female voice, ancient and wise, told her what logic couldn’t explain. It would be Cal Bonner or no one.
Unfortunately that internal voice didn’t tell her how she was to find the courage to approach him again. Christmas had come and gone, but as desperately as she wanted a baby, she couldn’t imagine arranging another sexual coupling.
The sight of Jerry Miles’s lips thinning into a cat-that-ate-the-canary smile yanked her back to the present. “… tried to avoid this, Jane, but in view of the difficulties we’ve been having over the past few years, I don’t seem to have a choice. As of now, I’m requiring that you submit a report to me by the last day of each and every month detailing your activities and bringing me up to date on your work.”
“A report? I don’t understand.”
As he began to elaborate on what he wanted from her, she couldn’t hide her shock. No one else was required to do anything like this. It was bureaucratic busywork, and the very idea went against the essense of everything Preeze stood for.
“I won’t do it. This is blatantly unfair.”
He regarded her with a faintly pitying look. “I’m sure the Board will be unhappy to hear that, especially since your fellowship is up for review this year.”
She was so outraged, she could barely speak. “I’ve been doing excellent work, Jerry.”
“Then you shouldn’t mind preparing these reports for me each month so I can share your enthusiasm.”
“No one else has to do this.”
“You’re quite young, Jane, and not as well established as the others.”
She was also a woman, and he was a sexist jerk. Years of self-discipline prevented her from saying any of this out loud, especially since she would end up hurting herself more than him. Instead, she rose to her feet, and, without a word, marched from his office.
She fumed as she rode down to the main floor in the elevator and stalked across the lobby. How much longer was she going to have to put up with this? Once again, she regretted the fact that her friend Caroline was out of the country. She very much needed a sympathetic ear.
The gray January afternoon held that ugly hint of permanence that always seemed to hang over northern Illinois at this time of year. She shivered as she climbed into her Saturn and sped toward the elementary school in Aurora where she was scheduled to do a science program for the third graders.
Some of her colleagues teased her about her volunteer work there. They said that having a world-renowned theoretical physicist teaching elementary-school children, especially disadvantaged ones, was like having Itzhak Perlman teaching beginning violin. But the state of science education in the elementary schools disturbed her, and she was doing her small part to change it.
As she hurried into the assembly room where the third graders were waiting and set down the supplies she’d brought with her for the experiments, she forced herself to put aside thoughts of Jerry’s newest act of bureacratic sadism.
“Dr. Darling! Dr. Darling!”
She smiled at the way the third graders had corrupted her last name. It had happened during her first visit two years ago, and since she hadn’t bothered to set them straight, the appellation had stuck. As she returned their greetings and gazed into their eager, mischievous faces, her heart twisted. How she wanted a child of her own.
She felt an unexpected rush of disgust directed entirely at herself. Was she going to spend the rest of her life filled with self-pity because she didn’t have a child, but not doing anything to correct the situation? It was no wonder she hadn’t been able to conceive a warrior’s baby. She didn’t have a backbone!
As she began her first experiment, using a candle and an empty oatmeal box, she made up her mind. From the beginning she’d known her chances of conceiving after only one attempt were slight, and now it was time to try again-this weekend, when her fertility was at its peak.
