'What are you saying?'
'I ought to have your licence for this.'
'You telling me he used the bird seed to escape?'
He picked up his hat and thrashed it down on the tabletop.
'Yes I'm telling you he used the bird seed to escape. The Birdman of Aberystwyth. How stupid can you get? How on earth could you fall for a stupid trick like that?'
'So what did he do, dress up as a seagull and fly away?'
He didn't answer but gave me a cold stare.
I went and fetched some glasses from the draining-board and poured two glasses of cold water.
There was a knock on the door and Llunos shouted, 'Enter.' One of the guards from Custard Pie's prison came in looking pretty much as you'd expect for a man charged with the task of standing guard over a single prisoner who had now escaped. He look hesitantly from Llunos to me and back again.
'Just tell it, officer,' said Llunos.
The guard fidgeted and wrung his hands. 'Well it's not ... I don't know where ... I mean the point ...'
'I said tell it, for Christ's sake!'
'He ... he ...' And then it all came out in a rush. 'He kept asking us to cook his eggs extra runny, said his stomach couldn't take cooked eggs. Every day raw eggs ... I mean, how were we supposed to know?'
Llunos gave him a scowl of thunder.
The guard hopped from foot to foot. He knew he was for the high jump for this.
'Well he was keeping them, wasn't he? You know that horrible stringy bit you get, like an umbilical cord or something, that sticks the yolk to the shell? He was saving them up. And there was the play-acting as well, so we thought he must be mad, like
'What play-acting?' asked Llunos.
'He was rehearsing for a part ... kept learning his lines, Little Red Riding Hood or something, it was.'
Llunos gave me a look of enquiry, wondering whether this meant anything to me, but it didn't.
'Maybe he was just trying to act the nutter. Go on.'
'That's what we thought, but we was wrong, see. It was the birds, you see, I mean we just never noticed. Well you wouldn't, would you?'
'Officer, if you don't get to the end of this story in one minute I'm going to throttle you.'
'Well, there he was like, taming these little sparrows and wrens and chaffinches and things and getting them to perch on his finger and sit on his head — it was really touching, or so we thought. Such gentle creatures, birds. But then we noticed there was something really strange about them. They found their way in all right, but they had terrible difficulty finding their way back out. It was as if they couldn't see the flue any more. And they kept flying into the wall and squawking. But now we know, don't we? All that time he was billing and cooing with them he was gouging their little eyes out and then saving them up in the jar meant for his cod liver oil capsules. Then when he had enough he used the boiled egg strings and the albumen and all the little sparrow eye jelly and made himself a set of those fake gouged eye kits you get from the joke shop. I mean, what a nutter! Anyway, next thing you know we get woken in the middle of the night by this blood-curdling screaming and there's Custard Pie standing with his eyes all bloody and streaming down his cheeks. He screams, 'I've done my eyes, I've clone my eyes, get me an ambulance!' That's about it really.'
'That's it!?' I shouted. 'That's it!? You just thought, oh he's done his eyes. We'll call an ambulance. You didn't, like, take a look or anything?' I tried to sound harsh but there was no point. No point whatsoever.
The guard answered, 'I know it sounds daft. But what would you have done at 3 am? Maybe if you was an optician it would have been different but there was us, like, woken up in the middle of the night with this nutter screaming and his whole face gushing sparrow viscera mixed with boiled egg ... So we rang for an ambulance. Anybody would've.'
Llunos turned to me. 'Five minutes after the first ambulance left, a second one turns up. Seems the first was phoney. They found it burned out in Commins Coch this morning.'
*
I asked at the pier and down by the station where the apprentice toughs hang out. And I asked in the burger bars and cafes and amusement arcades. And I asked at the harbour and round Trefechan. But no one had seen Calamity recently. I even rang the school but they just laughed at me, they thought she had left the country. Llunos tried to reassure me, saying she would be fine. Custard Pie couldn't get far because every way out of town was being watched. The railway station, the Cliff Railway, the narrow-gauge railway, the bus station and the harbour. But we both knew Custard Pie was already gone. Probably already with Herod, wherever he was. There was no reason to suppose Calamity was with them, but all the same it didn't smell good to me and when I finally gave up wandering round town asking people if they had seen her, I went back to the office and picked up the keys to the car.
The only thing I remember about the drive to Ynyslas were the looks of horror on the people's faces as they darted out of the way in Bow Street; and then the fists raised in anger in my rear-view mirror. Ten miles and thirty junctions and not once did the accelerator leave the floor. Not once were the brakes engaged until I was driving on sand. And I don't remember the dash across the wide sands of the estuary or through the sharp marram grass. All I remember is the relief that exploded inside me when I finally saw Cadwaladr.
He sat wind-blown on the dune top, a can of Special Brew in his hand. He pondered for a while what I had told him, and then said, 'Are you sure they've got her?'
I took a deep breath and spoke in monotone as if reciting a ghoul's shopping-list. 'Calamity has been visiting Custard Pie. He tricked her into helping him escape. Now Calamity has disappeared and no one can find her. What does it look like to you?'
'It's possible they haven't got her, it could be she's on a damn fool's errand to bring Pie in herself. Maybe she blames herself for him escaping and wants to make amends.'
'I'd love to believe that. But I don't.'
Cadwaladr sipped the beer and considered the situation. 'If Custard Pie has teamed up with Herod it will be tough to catch them,' he said.
'Are they really that good?'
He didn't answer immediately, but stared out to sea, eyes watering in the breeze and focusing on infinity as his thoughts drifted back across the years.
'In Patagonia I fought alongside them for a while — in the early campaigns. I used to watch them go out on night patrol - faces all smeared up with charcoal and paint. When they came back at dawn they'd always have a prisoner with them, some poor terrified conscript, trussed up like a turkey at Christmas. We never asked who he was or where he was from; we just knew if we wanted any peace and quiet that day we'd better stay out of earshot of the interrogation block.' He shook his head sadly. 'I can still remember the cries coming from those cells. They say in all that time there was never a man Custard Pie couldn't break.' He paused and took another sip of beer. 'But if you really want to know what they were like, just look at what happened to Waldo. Remember me telling you about the goalkeeper in the Christmas Day football match?'
I nodded. 'You never finished your story.'
Cadwaladr took a long drink from the can, as if to impart the necessary gravitas to the story of Waldo. Then he started to speak with a slow shake of the head, as if even now he couldn't believe it.
'Waldo was an Everyman. He stood for all of us. Just a little kid thousands of miles from home in a land he'd never heard of, seeing things that were too much for his heart. They say the reason he signed up for this psychological experiment at the sanatorium was he'd heard it was something to do with memory and all his life he'd been trying to lose his — trying to banish the memory of a certain week. Just one week. It didn't seem like a lot to ask. Like a lot of guys he tried to drink it away. But no matter how much he drank, it would still be there in the morning, like his shadow.
'The incident took place right at the end of the war. A few weeks before we were shipped home. Waldo was cut off in the wilds, alone, and pinned down in a ravine by a sniper. That sniper in turn was pinned down by Waldo. It was stalemate, neither could move without getting shot by the other. This went on for a week until finally the other guy's morale collapsed and he made a break for it and Waldo shot him. The bullet got him in the stomach - the wound we all feared most - but it didn't kill him. Waldo spent the next three days listening to his cries of pain coming from behind a rock. At the end of the third day, as the man's moans were getting fainter and fainter, a
