Her Mother’s Hope

too.”

“Never.”

“My father took his misery out on everyone around him.”

“Maybe it’s just a dream.”

Mama’s voice softened. “I’ve had bigger dreams than you. And I haven’t given up on them yet. Why should you?” Her voice grew firmer. “But you’d better decide what you want right now. I can start packing tonight. We can go back to Sacramento. You can work for the railroad.”

Bernie stirred. “Are they fighting again?”

“Shhhh…” Hildemara chewed her fingernails.

“I’m not going back to work for the railroad, Marta. Not now. Not ever.”

“All right. Then while you finish out the contract here, we start looking around for land with a house. By this time next year, we can start working for ourselves.” When Papa didn’t answer, Mama raised her voice. “Can we do any worse than we are right now, living here? How many times have the children been sick during the cold months? And in the summer, we bake like bread in an oven. No matter how much I sweep, I can’t keep the place clean! And the flies! I’m lucky I didn’t die of infection when Rikka came.”

Papa walked away into the night.

Mama let out her breath harshly and sat in the green-willow chair Papa had made for her. Hands folded in her lap, she waited. Hildemara fell asleep and awakened to hear them talking again, more quietly this time.

“We’ll do as you suggest, Marta. I pray to God you won’t hate me if I lose all your money.”

“We won’t lose it. We’ll stand together and fight for it. We’ll do whatever we have to do to make a go of it.” She gave a faint laugh. “Think of it, Niclas. With a permanent address, I’ll be able to get a library card.”

Papa pulled her into his arms and kissed her. He dug his fingers into her hair and held her head back as he looked down at her. “Don’t let that fire go out, Marta. The world would be too cold for me to bear.” Leaning down, he said something in a low, husky voice. When he stepped away, he held out his hand. Mama hesitated, turning her head slightly as though listening for Rikka. Then she slipped her hand into Papa’s, and they headed out into the night.

19

1923

On the last day of school, Hildemara skipped down the road, heart light. She had all summer to forget how much she hated going to school. She had been devastated by Mrs. Ransom’s announcement that starting next year, the second-grade class would be combined with kindergarten and first grade, and she would be teaching all of them. Hildemara had hoped that after this year, she would have a new teacher. But then she decided it just meant God didn’t want her to stop praying for Mrs. Ransom quite yet.

Hildemara had learned not to complain about Mrs. Ransom. It only made Mama more angry and changed nothing. She had prayed every morning on her way to school and prayed often while in class, especially when Mrs. Ransom’s eyes fell upon her like a hawk on a mouse. When she hauled Hildemara in front of the class to make an example of her poor attire or dirty shoes or chewed fingernails or scraggly hair, Hildemara prayed the words would float out the window and off into the air, never to be remembered. The room would become so silent, Mrs. Ransom’s harsh words seemed to echo, and she would tire of carrying on and tell Hildemara to go back to her chair.

Now she sang thank-you prayers until Bernie said she sounded bad enough to crack the sky wide open. So what if she had one more year in Mrs. Ransom’s class before she moved on to another teacher. She could be brave for another year. She wouldn’t let any tears slip down her cheeks. “Sticks and stones may break your bones,” the children chanted, “but words will never hurt you.” She wondered whoever came up with such a thing because it wasn’t true at all. Sometimes Mrs. Ransom said things that ripped at Hildemara’s heart and left her hurting for days.

Papa said to forgive, but forgiveness wasn’t easy. Not when the same thing happened over and over again.

Summer passed in a haze of heat. Hildemara did chores around the house. She fed the chickens and collected the eggs, washed dishes and helped weed the garden. She took Papa’s lunch out to him while Mama tried to batten down the canvas sides of the tent to keep the dust from blowing in on a napping Rikka.

As school approached, Hildemara worried and prayed continuously that Mrs. Ransom wouldn’t be mean to Clotilde, who would be in kindergarten this year. Maybe Mrs. Ransom just didn’t like ugly children, any more than Mama did. Hildemara prayed her younger sister’s pretty blue eyes and blonde hair would soften Mrs. Ransom’s heart in a way her own respectful silence and obedience never had.

She decided not to warn Clotilde about Mrs. Ransom. She didn’t want her to have nightmares and start chewing her nails, too. When they bathed in the big tub together the night before school started, she told Clotilde to wash behind her ears and around her neck. Clotilde splashed soapy water in her face.

The next morning, Hildemara felt sick to her stomach, but she didn’t say anything. She knew Mama would send her to school anyway, and she didn’t want to answer questions. Bernie ran ahead to meet his friends. Mama had put Hildemara in charge of Clotilde, so Hildie allowed her younger sister to set the pace. “Stay on the road, Clotilde! Don’t get dusty.”

“You want a wagon to run over me?”

“You have to keep your shoes clean!”

“I can get dirty if I want!” Sticking her tongue out, she kicked dust all over Hildemara.

“Stop it!”

Clotilde took off running, and Hildemara ran to catch up. Laughing, Clotilde shrieked and ran faster. Hildemara tripped and fell headlong on the macadam, scraping her hands, elbows, and knees. Shocked by the pain, she pushed herself up. When she looked at her hands, she saw tiny pebbles under the bleeding skin. Now what was she going to do?

Clotilde ran back. “Ohhhh.” She looked at Hildie’s knees and elbows.

Still crying, Hildemara dusted herself off as best she could. “We’re going to be late.” She limped alongside her little sister. “When we’re called to line up, we have to be in alphabetical order. There’s no one after Waltert. So we’re last.”

When they arrived at school, Hildie went into the girls’ bathroom to wash. Her hands stung like fire. She dabbed cold water on her knees, dismayed to see how the blood had already dripped down her legs and stained her socks. The blood from her scraped elbows had gotten on her dress as well. What would Mrs. Ransom have to say about that? What would Mama say?

Giving up, she went outside, worried Clotilde might be frightened on her first day of school. But Clotilde had already met a girl her own age and was playing hopscotch.

Mrs. Ransom came out. “Kindergarten, first, and second, line up here!” The other children ran to make two lines, boys and girls. Hildemara limped after them, taking last place in line behind Clotilde, who stood head high marching in place until the lines filed into the classroom.

Mrs. Ransom looked at them as they entered. “Another Waltert.”

“Yes, ma’am.” Hildemara flashed a bright smile that seemed to disarm Mrs. Ransom.

“And this one is pretty.”

Hildemara’s name had been taped on a front-row desk this year. Heart pounding with dread, Hildemara put her hand over her heart, recited the Pledge of Allegiance with the class, sang “My Country, ’Tis of Thee,” and slid cautiously into her seat so she wouldn’t bump her aching knees. She prayed Mrs. Ransom wouldn’t say anything mean to Clotilde.

She kept glancing back as Mrs. Ransom checked each child’s hands. Clotilde held her hands with limp wrists, turning them up and down so Mrs. Ransom could see. Mrs. Ransom looked dubious, but didn’t say anything. Letting out her breath in relief, Hildemara turned around and faced the front of the class.