'Now I'm going to tell you something and I know you're going to think this is a cruel and inhuman thing to say and all that, but I got my reasons. You women, if it ever appears as if you are in a situation where capture appears inevitable, the best thing you can do is to kill yourself. You men, if you are in a situation with one of these women and it looks as if she may be captured, do her a favor and kill her. Because the tortures are atrocious.' Then he showed us pictures.
I was a little shaken, but still thought to myself: Oh, what a load
-there they go playing John Wayne again, the old saving the last round for the schoolmarm bit. The horribly hurt people in the pictures were shoved to the back of my mind with icky pictures out of medical books after a while.
At Fitzsimons, I met the nurse who told me her system for handling overseas romance. She had served in Nam during Tet too, which made her crazy enough to like me, I suppose, and try to help me out when the brass and all the other head nurses were so down on me. The day I got orders for Nam, she gave me the big-sister talk about men and we split first one, then two bottles of wine.
Toward the bottom of the second bottle, she started talking about the part of Nam she hadn't told me about: not the beach parties and the inconveniences, but her work. She had been triage nurse at Cu Chi during Tet and was talking about the way the Vietcong overran the place at one point and of some of the awful things that came through her E.R., the mutilations, the deaths. I asked, carefully, because we'd been warned not to mention it outside the room, 'Did you get that talk about enemy torture before you went over there?'
She nodded. 'Yep. I wish someone had told the civilians the same thing, because they were right on. We had a couple of American nuns come in; the VC had tortured those women till-well, one of them died, and I was praying to God the other one would too.'
I thought about that while I huddled under the lip of that ridge. I could still see my friend's face. This wasn't something she had heard.
She had seen it. American women like us. Only they were civilians.
Surely it would be even worse, if there was worse, for military. And then there were all the officers trying to scare us, saying, 'They know your names. They know who you are. The VC have you on a hit list.' I thought about all the hideous things I had heard first- and secondhand, the Vietnam folk myths and the stories from other nurses, about torture victims, mutilations, Vietnamese and Vietcong women who had been sickeningly abused by either us or them, and I felt my own body, achy and sore because it was soft, easily pierced, of how I screeched if I stubbed my toe. Jesus Christ, what was I doing here?
The bugs were torture enough-my arms were sore from swatting at them, and big lumps itched and burned all over my face and arms and ur?derneath my clothing. Even though I sat on my poncho, I was saturated to the bone with rain and plant sap and mud. How did the grunts take it out here in this shit? No wonder people got vicious-the discomfort alone was enough to drive you nuts.
There had to be better things to think about, but I'd never stood guard duty before. What would Duncan do if he were with me? Probably say that if he had his old .30-06 he would pick off the entire NVA, but since he didn't, he'd probably leave me alone 'just for a minute, kitten, while I check something out,' and go off with some Vietnamese floozy. Ahn whimpered in his sleep and crunched himself into a tight ball. I wanted to whimper too. I wanted my mother. I could just hear her saying, 'Now, Kathleen Marie, it's not that I don't love you, honey, but you got yourself into this. Neither your daddy nor I, nor even the Army, forced you to go over there, so now you're just going to have to handle it the best you can.' Thanks a lot, Mom.
She'd also tell me it was no use getting morbid. Good advice, but a little hard to follow. I tried to mentally construct a letter she would be able to relate to.
Dear Mom, A funny thing happened on my way to transfer Ahn to a different hospital. The darn chopper broke down and Ahn and I had to jump into the jungle. Tony, good captain that he was, went down with his ship, but we met this colorful character named William who's on his way back to civilization to get reassigned, since his last post was terminated. Little Ahn has been learning lots of new American expressions from him and woodcraft tricks I'm sure will stand him in good stead if he joins the Vietnamese Boy Scouts later on.
Anyhow, we've been spending the day on this wonderful nature hike. Your African violets would really take to this country.
The place looks like one big greenhouse, crammed with angel wing begonias, spider plants, ferns, mother-in-law's-tongues, all kinds of vines and ivies and flowers, most of which look as if they want to eat you. Seriously, though, it's very beautiful, if in bad need of a good pruning, and you'd enjoy the bird-watching and identifying all the kinds of spiders and lizards. We've heard monkeys too.
Though we haven't seen them, I know that's what they are because they sound just like the sound track of a Tarzan movie. There's supposed to be even bigger wildlife around, but so far none has crossed our path.
Fortunately, it's not too hot because this is the rainy season now. A little wet, but don't worry, I remembered my raincoat! Love to Daddy and all I wouldn't mention the amulet. She might not like me accepting jewelry from strange men, especially patients.
I wondered if the amulet would give me aura-enhanced nightmares. At least the glow from the greenery was fainter at night than during the day, probably because, with the whole sun-chlorophyll reaction, plants put out more energy during the daytime. That was good because all of that unaccustomed visual stimulus had given me a peculiar headache in the middle of my forehead.
Something rustled between the tree trunk and the ridge, where William was lying. At least good fortune had brought him to us, I thought, raising myself to my knees to peer over at him as if he were one of my night-shift patients. Something hard caught me across the throat and slammed my head back against the bank.
William's face loomed above me, his forearm pinning me by the throat to the bank. He wore a strange expression not of hatred or anger so much as concentration. Fortunately, the bank was crumbly and gave under my head, or I think he would have killed me right away. I kicked out and felt my boot scrape Ahn.
'Cut it out,' I said, though it didn't sound like that when it came out.
'William, dammit, stop!'
Ahn flew into him, pounding him silently with bony little fists, dragging at his arm. William released me long enough to backhand the boy halfway down the rest of the ridge.
I couldn't wait to get my breath back, but gasped, 'William, goddammit, what the fuck's the matter with you?'
He started to grab me again but I blocked him, rather feebly, with my own arms, and looked into his eyes again, trying to find out, before I died, what in the hell was going on. My arms were surrounded by a dingy mauve light that fused with his dull maroon glow and diluted it. He sat back on his haunches abruptly, overbalancing himself so that he tumbled*backward a pace or two. He threw out his hands and grabbed a branch, sat up, shook himself like a wet dog, and blinked.
Ahn scrambled around him up the hill and hid behind me, rubbing his stump tenderly and sniffling. But he hadn't uttered a single cry throughout.
William crawled back up the hill. I scuttled back and nearly knocked Ahn over, but William just said, ' 'Bout time you got some sleep, girl.
I'll take watch.'
'Oh, no thanks,' I said, determined not to sleep a wink around him lest I inadvertently die before I wake.
'What you mean, 'no thanks'?' William asked. 'Thass crazy. You gotta sleep.' He said the last like a mother cajoling a youngster.
'I'm crazy?' I hissed. 'You just tried to kill me.'
He looked blank.
'Yeah,' Ahn chimed in. 'You numbah ten, GI. You get mamasan like this and He parodied choking himself and made a terrible face, then dropped his hands to his sides. 'Hey, William, you some kinda VC?'
'Wait a minute, wait a minute. I did what? Is this child jiving me or what?'
'You tried to kill me, William,' I said, and relaxed enough to try to figure it out, now that I was pretty sure he was himself again. 'Maybe you were having a dream or something about being back at your unit again, do you think?'
'Yeah, yeah, could be. Hey, I'm real sorry-' He extended his fingers to my neck as if to stroke away the bruise I could feel rising. 'I didn't mean-shit, I'm real sorry.' His voice broke and I realized he was crying. He reached out a rather large paw and grasped Ahn's hand. 'Sin loi, babysan.'
Ahn gave him a measuring look that was older than he was, and nodded, dismissing the whole thing.
'It's okay, William,' I said. 'It's over.'
But none of us slept, and as soon as it was light enough to move without falling over our own feet or tripping on one of the knots of roots and vines crisscrossing our path, we started walking again.
'Where are we going, William?' I asked.
'Hell if I know. I was just told, when you out in the bush, you keep movin'. So we movin'.'
It was good enough for me. Only I wished I was sure we were moving toward a
