“A neighbor. I sold it after they died.”
Her heart dipped. “You didn’t think that someday, I mean, after you’d smokejumped awhile, that you might want to go back?”
“I told you, I hated that place.”
“I know, but…” She understood that when he was young, the ranch had made him feel trapped, but surely he’d matured since then. And he loved working outdoors. Why wouldn’t he want his own land?
For several moments, neither spoke. They continued down the dusty trail, their long strides evenly matched. The dog trotted quietly beside them.
Finally, Cade slanted her a glance. “Look, you said that growing up, you had trouble fitting in.”
“Yes.” She sighed. “Maybe if I’d been more outgoing, it would have been different. But it was hard for me to make friends.”
Which was why she resisted change now.
She blinked at that sudden insight. Was that true? Did she cling to security? Was she so afraid of rejection that she avoided doing anything new?
And was that why she’d chosen Phil? Out of convenience? She cringed. Good God, she’d turned into a coward. She’d nearly married a man she didn’t love because he felt safe.
“I didn’t fit in, either,” Cade admitted.
Still shocked by her revelation, she forced her attention to Cade. “You mean on the ranch?”
“Anywhere,” he said. “In school, in town. I felt like I was in prison. When I was a kid, I’d stand on Main Street, at the end where the highway started, just wanting to bust out so bad. To get on that highway and go. I thought I’d explode if I couldn’t leave.”
Her heart softened at the image of that restless, frustrated boy.
“But living on that ranch was pure hell,” he continued. “It sucked the life right out of me. I wanted freedom, change. Something different to do every day instead of working that same patch of ground.
“No one understood that I was different.” He shook his head. “Or maybe my old man did but he just didn’t approve. Maybe that’s what made him so angry-knowing I’d never come back, that he couldn’t control me or make me live out his dream.”
“Because you had your own dream to follow,” she said, her throat thick.
“Yeah.” He stopped in the rutted road. She paused beside him, and lifted her gaze to his. And saw the truth in those gorgeous blue eyes. The stark, unguarded truth. Straight down to the core of the man.
“Smokejumping’s not just a job,” he said. “It’s everything to me. It’s who I am.”
Dread rolled through her belly. “But you can’t do it forever.”
“Close enough.”
“Even if you’re injured?”
His jaw turned rigid, his gaze hard. “I’m fine. My collarbone’s cracked, that’s all. It’s not going to stop me for long.”
“But…” She searched his eyes and saw his resolve. He was determined to keep on jumping. But desire alone couldn’t make him invincible.
“I know you don’t want to quit,” she said carefully. “But what if you had to? What if something bad happened?”
“Then I’d join a hotshot crew and work from the ground, or learn to fly and drop retardant. I don’t know. But I’d find some way to hang around this world. This is where I belong.”
“I see.” And, at last, she did. After a childhood of not fitting in, he’d found acceptance, respect, a place where he finally felt right.
A sick, sinking sensation pooled in her gut. And she understood something else now. He didn’t jump for the adrenaline rush. He did it because he had to feel free-a feeling that was as vital to him as breathing.
A regular job would do more than bore him; it would crush his soul.
Which meant that the one thing she needed most-that he give up smokejumping-was exactly what he could never do.
Chapter 10
Jordan limped along the trail in the midday heat, reeling from her revelation about Cade. So he wasn’t the thrill-seeker she’d thought. Her entire perception had been skewed-which meant that she’d misjudged this man badly. And now she had to rethink the past, their marriage, even herself in this new light.
And she might have to admit she’d been wrong.
Unease fluttered through her chest, but she ruthlessly tamped it down. No matter how uncomfortable she felt, she had to get at the truth. She had to peel back those protective layers and take a hard, frank look at the past-and her own role in it.
That was why she’d come to Montana. She’d expected to find validation, to prove she’d been right to leave Cade. Instead, she’d realized she didn’t love Phil. That kiss had blasted that illusion, cracking open the door on the truth.
And she couldn’t shrink from the rest of it, even if she didn’t like what she found out.
And a big part of facing that truth was telling Cade about the miscarriage. He deserved to know about his lost child. She never should have kept that secret.
Guilt blocked her throat at the thought.
“Hold up a minute.” Cade stopped and glanced around. “I want to check the map.”
“All right.” She paused and shifted her weight from her tender ankle, then bent down to pet the dog. She’d behaved badly, all right. She’d fled Montana and ended their marriage, wounding the man she had loved. And when she told him why she left, she would hurt him even more.
Her throat thick, she brushed the dirt from Dusty’s coat, and rubbed the soft fur on his head. He whined softly, gazing up with those trusting eyes, and tension slid from her heart. It wouldn’t erase her guilt or change the past, but now she had a chance to do something right. She could finally tell Cade the whole truth.
But not here. Not with the fire this close. She’d wait until the danger had passed and he had time to listen.
Cade struggled to open his map, and she quickly rose to help him. “Here, let me get that.” She grabbed the ends and held them steady.
“Thanks.” His blond brows furrowed as he studied the map. Sunlight filtered through the whispering pines, highlighting the tips of his lashes. Darker bristles shadowed his jaw beneath his hard hat.
Her gaze caressed that rugged face and her pulse began to hum. And that familiar ache came slinking back. She longed to touch him, to stroke that masculine jaw and see need flare in those dazzling blue eyes. To feel the power in those massive muscles and the rocketing thrills when he kissed her.
A gust of wind fluttered the map and snapped her back to reality. The forest fire. Their need to escape.
She sent an uneasy gaze to the south. She couldn’t see the fire yet. The forest was calm, the patch of sky above the pines still blue.
But it was coming. She could sense it pulsing, seething as it roiled its way over the mountain. Thundering through the tinder-dry pines, devouring everything in its path-including them, if they didn’t get out fast.
Her blood careened through her veins. Jittery now, she looked at Cade, and was startled by how calm he looked, how at ease in this dangerous world.
And for the first time, she realized she had a chance to see beyond the glamour to the reality of his job in a way she’d never had when they were married. To see who Cade really was.
And maybe, what she had lost.
He caught her gaze. “We’ll cut across here on this game trail.”
“That’s a trail?” Surprised, she glanced at the faintly trampled grass leading into the trees, and her respect for him rose. “You certainly have an eye for details.” She never would have noticed that path or survived out here on her own.
“It probably leads to a stream,” he said. “We’ll follow it as long as we can. But things could get rough after
